Augusta Lynx convert to roller hockey format

Like most events that take place in the Augusta area, the Augusta Lynx hockey club is making plans to move to the new convocation center at USC Aiken.

Team owner Jan Hodges announced the plans recently as part of preparations for the upcoming hockey season.

“No offense to James, but the new arena is just awesome,” Hodges said. “I mean, they got Hinder. I love Hinder!”

Hinder aside, Hodges said management at the new arena made a deal the team simply couldn’t refuse.

“Arena management is making plans to acquire a roller hockey surface that will reduce our maintenance and operations costs significantly,” Hodges said. “No more Zamboni, no more huge air conditioning bills; it’s a win-win situation.

“Besides, most people in Augusta won’t know the difference.”

Along with the move comes a name change more representative of the area they now represent. Hodges said the team will now go by the name CSRA Lynx.

“Due to our new location in Aiken, we had to decide on a new name for the team,” Hodges said. “Aiken Lynx would have never worked; sounds like they’re injured or something.”

Team officials report they are in the process of scouting southern California roller hockey leagues in hopes of gaining a competitive advantage based on their new surface.

"There are a variety of nuances associated with the roller hockey style of play," head coach Bob Ferguson said. "We would be fools not to bring in some specialists to give us an advantage during home games."

ECHL officials state there are no official league rules against using an artificial surface.

“There are no rules against it because we never dreamed anyone would do this,” ECHL commissioner Patrick Kelley said. “Unfortunately, they already signed the deal and there’s nothing we can do about it.

“They really pulled a fast one on us, didn’t they?”

Area hockey fans were stunned by the team’s decision.

One fan, who wished to be identified by the name “Hockey Buzzard,” said the team really let him down.

“I can’t believe they would abandon Augusta like this,” Buzzard said. “I mean, yeah it’ll be a lot closer because I live in Aiken, and yeah, the arena’s a lot nicer. But hockey needs to be on ice.

“Actually, screw it, I like the convenience. They can play on pogo sticks if it’ll save me on gas.”

EDITOR'S NOTE: The News Abuser wishes to apologize for the lameness of the name "Hockey Buzzard." No actual buzzards were harmed in the writing of this satirical news article.

Disclaimer: This is clearly fake. So don't get upset about it.