Olin agrees to cleanup act if Woody Merry will be quiet

In a surprise reversal of policy, the Olin chlorine plant has announced plans to convert its facility to a mercury-free production process.

The issue has been controversial for years, as fans of the environment and tree-hugging hippies alike have besieged the company with requests to make its production process more people and nature friendly.

Local community activist Woody Merry celebrated the announcement with a press conference at the Augusta Marriott hotel.

“It took years and hundreds of phone calls and letters to the editor, but we finally did it,” Merry said. “No longer will our local fish and water supply be tainted with toxic mercury.”

Merry, chairman of the local reform group CSRA Help, said he appreciated the company’s decision to improve its processes.

“It is a huge relief to know that the future of the Savannah River is looking brighter than ever thanks to changes in the Olin production process,” Merry said.

Olin representatives were quick to dismiss the idea that the environment was the reason for the change.

“Environment? Screw the environment, we just couldn’t stand any more of Woody Merry’s nonsense,” Olin said. “He probably didn’t tell you that terms of the deal, but he signed a legal document agreeing to shut his trap if we change our process. A little silence on Merry’s part is well worth the expense.”

A company official stated Merry really just got on his nerves.

“It was easy to ignore for a while, but it finally got old,” the public relations director said. “We have to watch the local news and read the paper like everyone else.

“We’ll probably dump some chlorine into the river from time to time, just to piss them off some more.”

Jim Tucker, another local environmentalist, agreed with Olin’s statement.

“Yeah, big companies generally don’t give a damn about the environment,” Tucker said. “I was going to give up on the issue next week, so this is a real coup for us.

"I don't even care that much, I just do it to get out of the house and away from the missus."

Disclaimer: This is clearly fake. So don't get upset about it.