Copenhaver: “It’s time for a change”

With more than 200 cheering supporters on hand, Copenhaver announced his new physical fitness plan in front of a banner proclaiming “Get Ripped Augusta” and “I’m Not Gonna Take It!”

“No, I ain’t gonna take it. I’m not gonna take it, anymore,” Copenhaver said. “I’m tired of so many people in this community thinking I’m not strong enough to stand up to Williams and the rest of the Commission.”

As part of the plan, Copenhaver revealed a dramatic new program of intensive weight lifting and what appears to be the gratuitous abuse of steroids, performance-enhancing drugs and Androstenedione, Mark McGwire’s legendary weapon of choice.

“I’m basically looking for some sort of cross between a grizzly bear and Ivan Drago from Rocky IV,” Copenhaver said. “My goal is to be able to put my fist through someone’s skull.”

With the public release of this information, there is concern on some fronts that Copenhaver will be arrested for his use of illegal supplements. However, Sheriff Ronnie Strength said that would not be a problem.

“Normally, this would be an open and shut case,” Strength said, “but we’re tired of all the crap going on in the commission and think this will go a long way toward improving things in the community.”

“When the greater good of the community is involved, we won’t stand in his way.”

Copenhaver’s new trainer Jake “Bonesaw” Jones couldn’t be reached for comment; primarily due to his inability to produce a coherent sentence. His publicist said any sentence combining the phrases ‘get ripped,’ ‘feel the burn’ and ‘max reps’ would be appropriate.

Commissioner Andy Cheek said in a statement that he is looking forward to the mayor’s new look, though he has some concern for his long term health given the negative impact of steroids on the human body.

CSRA Help leader Woody Merry said he was pleased with the mayor’s plans and announced he would be filing suit against the city to try to force it to finance the mayor’s transformation.

Disclaimer: This is clearly fake. So don't get upset about it.