What Am I Doing, And Why Am I Here?

Two things I was going to quit doing this year. One is walking around looking for things I already have in my hands, on my head, behind my ear or over my shoulder, like keys, glasses, pens and dish towels. That was futile. I can't stop doing it anymore than I can stop going into one room from another and then forgetting what it was I came in there for.

The other thing I made a resolution to do was to stop talking to computers like they're real people. Do you know how stupid it makes you feel to say, "Thank you," to a piece of electronic equipment? I've made progress there, but then I went into Kroger last week to pick up a few things. There was only one live cashier working, and the line had backed up past the cornflakes. I couldn't see myself standing there 30 minutes to check out. So, although I ordinarily avoid self checkouts like the plague - if you've ever been through one, you know why - I gave in and said I'd try again. Things went rather smoothly until suddenly, the computer shouted, "Do you qualify for a senior citizens discount?" Everybody stopped and stared.

"Obviously I do," I shouted. "But do we have to tell the whole world?"

The rude thing didn't even say I was well preserved.