Movie Review: Bond, lame Bond

James Bond is back and he’s better than, well, George Lazenby.

The latest incarnation is based on Ian Fleming’s first Bond novel, Casino Royale.

This is not your usual James Bond movie.

The film begins in classic black-and-white. We see Bond violently kill a man with his bare hands in a men‘s room - and then he doesn’t wash has hands afterward! Later, he shoots a guy in Reno, just to watch him die.

After the tornado destroys the farmhouse, this movie is suddenly in color.

Wow! Very innovative!

The opening scene is stunning.

Bond, played by Daniel Craig, chases a bad guy up some stairs. Then down some stairs. The action continues through a building, around a field of corn, over Mt. Kilimanjaro, across the Atlantic Ocean to Parsippany, New Jersey, where he arm-wrestles a great white shark.

Bond gets the code name 007 for completing the mission. You see, a 00 agent must get two kills and gather bags of gold before going on his secret agent quest.

To celebrate his new title, he breaks into the home of his boss, M. Like I said, this is not your usual James Bond movie.

Now here’s the weird part. The movie is a prequel, but his boss is the same actress as in the later movies. So even though this takes place before the other Bond movies, his boss is older than the earlier movies. To make matters worse, the prequel takes place now, not 30 years ago. Got it?

Bond’s mission is to beat a bad guy at a game of cards. The bad guy is played by an asthmatic, because the albino was too busy filming The DaVinci Code.

Instead of killing the guy, or shooting him in the head with an explosive cigarette, Bond actually has to play cards with the guy.

Staying true to the novel, Bond makes the bad guy “Go Fish” three times in a row, just to humiliate him.

With his spirit broken, the asthmatic bad guy takes a few hits from his inhaler and walks slowly off a cliff.

Now I wouldn’t say this is a bad Bond film. In fact, The Weasel sees that a darker, grittier Bond has great potential. But this film has a few things missing - like a good script and some nifty gadgets.

- Casino Royale is now available on DVD. Save your money and watch Bond 22 in 2008.

Two Weasels out of Four

Pop goes The Weasel