Going Out, Chimpanzees and Not Much Else

I had originally, and very optimistically, titled this piece “Going Out in Romania,” but the truth is, I have absolutely nothing enlightening to say about going out in Romania. It is exactly like going out in the U.S., except with more of all the things that make you say, “I hate going out in the U.S. I wish I were in Europe.”

The truth is, I fail to see the point, unless the point actually IS being crushed against strangers and saving cigarette money via mass inhalation of secondhand smoke. Works out great for smokers and for people who like to dress in “ashtray chic.”

Of course, there's dancing. I have enjoyed dancing on many occasions. But when there are millions of people crowded into one fire-extinguisherless room, bobbing to the music is about all you can manage.

We won't talk about the music. I think there may be some sort of international law about playing actual music in dance clubs.

Clubs are terrible places to meet people. If you do manage the beginnings of a conversation with a clubber, you're in for an experience that feels a lot like talking to a foreigner in a language neither of you is familiar with, over a fast-food speaker that misses two out of three words. And that's in the States where everyone presumably speaks the same language.

The solution is obvious, of course. Bring your own friends, especially if you don't actually like talking to them. That might actually explain it. We don't converse, therefore we club.

I actually like all the components that go into “going out.” I'm very fond of beer and several other dangerous concoctions. I believe dancing is essential to human happiness. People can be very interesting at times too. Music is also essential to human happiness, as long as no one with the last name Timberlake goes anywhere near it. Put them all together, however, and it is virtually impossible to properly enjoy any of them.

Live music, now that's a different story. The act of going to see a band perform is the one thing that really does separate us from the rest of the animals. So chimpanzees are hunting with spears and hanging out in caves. When they start forming rock bands, then we'll know we're in trouble.