Valentine's Day Massacre Part 1: What NOT to do

A word of warning, if you are looking for some "good" Valentine's Day material read my previous Valentine's Day Gift Guides for men and women or for something more recent check out Sonia's "Is this romance to you?" entry.

I don't blog much but if you have read my previous works, you know that I am not a big fan on Valentines Day. Back in my young and romantic days I loved it but a several years of a less than spectacular love life (i.e. a pathetic love life) changed all that. I used to be a hopeless romantic but now I am just hopeless.

One of the few things about this time of year that I still like is the advice that all the "experts" give out. Everyone with "Dr." in front of their name is offering their two cents on how to get through Valentine's Day.

One of my favorites comes from Dr. Laura Berman. In the blog, published on yahoo.com, Dr. Berman offers up advice for single people on this most evil of holidays. I read the good doctors tips and I must respectfully disagree with some of them. I think her advice was geared toward woman but I am going to tackle it from the male and female perspective. Here are her suggestions and my reasons why they won't work.

Take charge. If you've had your eye on someone, or you've been engaging in some heavy yet indirect flirtation, make the move.

Valentine's Day is the worst day to make a first move on anyone. First of all it's cliché. This is not some 1980's teen love story so it won't work. If you believe it will then you also believe that a complete geek can beat an all-star athlete after only 2 days of training.

Berman also recommends sending an email or text message if you are too scared to do it in person. If you are going to go that route, you might as send them a note that says "Do you like me? Circle Yes or No." Besides, if you do that and fail, there will be a record of it for all to see. And if you try this from a work computer you are doubly screwed. Do you really want the guys in IT to know that you tried to make a move on Mary in Accounting?

Send flowers to yourself. ... Spend the money you would spend on a honey on a beautiful arrangement for yourself. Personally, I have never been a fan of the give yourself a gift theory but if you do it, don't take this approach. Flowers die and they leave mess. Spend the money on something that will either last a while (digital camera, new outfit, video games) or relax your mind and body (trip to a spa or strip club).

Babysit a friend's kids. It's good karma to allow two others a shot at Valentine's Day bliss. Plus, a night with the kids just might restore a sense of appreciation for the single life!

Hell no! I like kids but I am not about to spend Valentine's Day stuck with them. Especially if they are not mine. Let your friends hire a babysitter to watch their youngins'. It helps the economy and gives some kid valuable work experience.

Make a cake. From scratch -- frosting and all. It's fun to create something from start to finish and then you get to eat it.

I want to say that sitting around baking and eating cake is probably not the best way to spend Valentine's Day. However I plan on starting and finishing a bottle of Cognac that day so I probably have no room to complain.

I guess the male equivalent of this is finishing a game of Grand Theft Auto or winning the Superbowl in Madden NFL 07.

Broaden your sense of love. From your family to your friends to your lovers of times past, focus on how lucky you are for all of the love in your life.

I see where she is going with this one but it doesn't work. The love of family and friends is very important but that is not really the kind of love that I associate with Valentine's Day. The days of giving Valentine's Day gifts and wishes to your friends stopped in middle school. And if you think about lovers of times past the memories probably won't end that well. Think about it, there is probably a reason that they are not current lovers.

Besides, if you are like me you can recall your past loves in the time it takes to microwave a Hot Pocket. 

Here is the bottom line. If you are alone this Valentine's Day don't feel like you HAVE to do something special. There is no need for unusual pampering and you don't have to go on a journey of self-reflection. Despite what you see on TV, hear on the radio, and read online it is just another day. So treat it like one. No gimmicks required.

However, if you are single and female and just feel the need to do something special feel free to swing by my place for some cognac and conversation.