The Final Kicks of 2006

Now the we are 2 weeks into the new year, let's look back at 2006 and hand out a few final kicks to the throat.

Politics (National): President George Bush was a front runner for this award and it is easy to see why. His combination of gung-ho attitude, stubbornness and questionable intelligence make him a strong choice. Representative William Jefferson was in the running after an FBI raid to seize evidence in a corruption probe revealed $90,000 in his freezer. I was also tempted to put Vice President Cheney here for his "I thought my friend was a quail so I shot him incident".

Both are deserving candidates but I think the winner has to be former U.S. Representative Mark Foley. Foley resigned from Congress after it was discovered that he sent sexually explicit messages to a Capital Hill page, a TEENAGE Capital Hill page.

Oddly enough, Foley was the key authors of a reform package that included tougher penalties for pedophiles who target children online. Maybe sending freaky text messages to a teenage boy was his way of "researching" sexual predators. To truly understand them he had to become one. Foley is a modern day Dian Fossey.

My other reason for bestowing this honor on Foley is that he listed alcoholism as one of his reasons for doing it. He and Mel Gibson are making professional drinkers like me look bad. As I mentioned in a previous blog, drinking doesn't bring out anything that wasn't already there. When I go to a bar, I am looking to meet women. Alcohol does NOT change that game plan.

Foley gets a 3 Ninjas style Kick in the Throat. My only hope is that he doesn't like it.

Politics (State/Local): The Richmond County School Board deserves a big one for the way they handled the Charles Larke situation. Anyone that would approve a contract without reading it needs to be Kicked in the Throat several times. In almost any other city they would be the hands down winner but this is not any other city, this is Augusta, GA.

The Augusta Commission has once again earned Kick in the Throat honors. Last year was a banner one for them when it came to bizarre choices, infighting, misuse of funds and questionable deals.

The commission started 2006 with the usual infighting and voting along racial lines. Their travel budget and a trip that some commissioners took to Reno, Nevada caused more than a few problems. Their decision to get into the drag strip business (even though very few people wanted one) was probably one of their more memorable missteps. That brilliant idea was directly related to Commissioner Marion Williams' possible involvement in his son-in-law's questionable land deal.

These people have messed up so much they deserve an extra special kick. Since there are some many of them we will need to bring out the big guns. Each member of the Augusta Commission gets a Chuck Norris Walker Texas Ranger style Kick in the Throat. (watch the video below to see what I mean)

Forget giving them the honor. I think we should NAME it after them. How does "The Augusta Commission Political Kick in the Throat Award" sound?

International Throat Kicks: Kim Jong-il. Ok you have nukes, we get it.

I think the guy suffers from a Napoleon complex. It's like he wants to prove to the U.S. that he deserves a seat at the big table. He is waving nuclear bombs in President Bush's face and asking to be invaded. However, since North Korea doesn't have a motherload of oil under its soil it is probably not going to happen.

He is giving short dudes a bad reputation. I'm short and bitter too, but I am not out trying to start wars.

That is reason enough to award our favorite North Korean leader the International Kick in the Throat Award. Steven Seagal will personally deliver his prize.

Miscellaneous (State and Local): This is another category that has several strong contenders. Ryan B., Austin Rhodes, and Charles "Champ" Walker Jr. are no brainers but I want to go outside the box for this pick.

I think the members of the Richmond County Board of Zoning need a WWE "big boot" style Kick in the Throat. Back in February the group denied a height variance request to a development group looking to build an eight story condominium complex in the National Hills area across from the Augusta National.

Heaven forbid they approve something that would bring a nice, upscale facility to the area. It's not like we needed the jobs (temporary and permanent) that it could have created.

In the board's defense, the development group said they will likely develop a new plan that won't need a variance so maybe this decision won't come back to haunt them.

Miscellaneous (National): This category offers several nominees. Both O.J Simpson and Ann Coulter need to be kicked early and often. Author James Frey was dumb enough to lie on The Oprah Winfrey Show and think he wouldn't get caught. All of them are worthy of the prize, but the award has to go to a woman that upset more than I thought possible.

I am not a fan of violence against females but the woman that accused three Duke Lacrosse players of rape needs to be kicked into another time zone. Like most of America, I was 100% behind her when the charges were announced. However, as the more details came out rape, and her story continued to change I started to think it was all a big lie.

This women needs to be confronted and beaten by as many real rape victims as possible. Maybe they can set her straight. And since some throat kicking must occur and I would love for Michelle Yeoh, one of the stars of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, to be the one doing it.

That concludes the 2006 Kick in the Throat Awards. I hope the pain that is inflicted on the winners encourages them to try and do better in 2007.