Ten-step Sure-fire Way To Have an Adventure in Bucharest

1.Leave your apartment. Actually, I could just stop right here. But then that would be only one sure-fire way, wouldn't it? And we Americans like things in groups of 10.

2.Negotiate four flights of stairs in pitch darkness, relying on the Force and the light from your mobile telephone to get you through. Where is a little green swamp man when you need him?

3.Cross the street. Any street. It doesn't matter.

4.Walk in front of a parked taxi. Ten to one the driver will pound the gas pedal for the sole purpose of trying to run you over. Or maybe it has something to do with my red coat. I haven't figured out this little quirk yet, but I have a feeling it has more to do with being a taxi driver than with being a Romanian taxi driver.

5.Get into a parked taxi. I have a theory that J.K. Rowling visited Romania, and rode around in taxis, long before she ever wrote about the Knight Bus. As fans of the Harry Potter series know, the Knight Bus is a little piece of wizard engineering that allows the bus to squeeze itself through the most improbable holes in the traffic, including right between two tight, moving lanes. Yes, I have experienced this in many Romanian taxis. Yes it is nervewracking the first half-dozen times or so.

6.Walk through a ritsy neighborhood. I'm serious. The poorer neighborhoods are much less intimidating. This is because there are fewer dogs behind fences. The dogs that are not behind fences are either small and fluffy or well-behaved. Frequently they are both.

7.Approach a cat. You do not want to mess with Bucharest tom cats.

8.Take out a camera. Little Gypsy kids come equipped with camera-sensing hardware and they will be on you in a second asking for money and trying to peer into your bag. Don't let them, by the way.

9.Go dancing. The Romanian dance floor is an awsome place if you are not looking to find inner solitude. Part of this is because the Romanian “bubble” of personal space is a lot smaller than the American bubble of personal space. You will be unapologetically jostled. And, frequently, if a guy wants to dance with you, he just kind of ... does.

10.If a random person sitting around on a stoop on the street asks if you speak English, tell them, “Yes.”

11.Try to locate an address. Any address.

Yeah, that's 11. I can count. That last one's free, and it is further proof that Potter author J.K. Rowling visited Romania, at least in her dreams, before writing her series. This is because her wizards have a tendency to hide locations between other locations in such a way that we Muggles can't find them. For instance. if you are looking for 9 ½ Smith Street, yet 9 and 10 are smushed right next to each other. The address you want is there, right between 9 and 10, but you can't see it. All you can do is walk around, scratch your head and wonder whether it's you who's gone mad or whether it's the city planners.

When I first arrived in Bucharest, I had a terrible problem with streets moving around behind my back. I suspect they still do this, but I so doggedly cling to a method of getting to a location, that I refuse to venture even a block out of my way. Unless I have a spare afternoon to spend stomping and sputtering around the city.