Be an American; wear a bikini

Note: I wanted to post this on July 4th but as you can see I am two days late. The message however hasn't lost its meaning. I felt so strongly about this issue that I decied to make this an audio blog. Click the image on the right to hear a tribute to an unsung American hero.

As we prepare to celebrate our nation's birthday I feel that we should also honor one of the things that make this country great...the bikini. It's true the bikini was invented by a Frenchman but here in America we have taken it to a whole new level.

There are probably a few out there that think this will just be the rantings of a hormonal male. You think that I am doing this just so I can "research" women in bikinis. You may think that they are nothing more than society's "eye candy", but bikinis have played an important role in this country's development for years.

First off, swimsuit sales give the economy a much needed boost. Every year, as summer approaches, news outlets, including this city's own Augusta Chronicle, run stories about the latest swimsuit trends. Women read these stories then go and hit the mall, spending cash and giving us an economic shot in the arm. How big a shot, you ask? According to Forbes magazine a $1.7 BILLION shot.

And let's not forget that women want to look good in their swimsuits so they are going to get into shape. They are going to get gym memberships, personal trainers, workout videos, and home exercise gadgets like the Ab Roller and Thigh Master. All of these things cost money. Also, they are going to get waxed and tanned by professionals, pumping even more money into economy. The bikini has probably done more to help our financial system than any Republican or Democrat in office.

And it's not just women that benefit from the power of the bikini. It has a positive influence on men also. Men want women in bikinis to notice them. So when beach season gets here they are hitting the gym also. They are buying weights. They are reading health and fitness magazines. It might not seem like it, but guys might spend just as much on swimsuit season as women, maybe even more.

They are purchasing binoculars, camcorders and digital cameras to spot and capture the beauty of the female form. They are getting expensive cars, designer waterproof watches, and surfboards to impress women they might meet. Male enhancement products probably account for $1 billion by themselves.

Bikinis also make the world a safer place. I am sure that the crime rate drops when the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is released. Why? Because men like looking at women in swimsuits. They don't have time to commit crimes when they are examining photos of women like Anna Kournokiva, Tyra Banks, and Heidi Klum.

Most men steal because they are trying to acquire stuff (money, cars, jewelry, etc.) to get women to like them. Their thinking goes like this, "If I have stuff I can see women in various states of undress." So, if there were more women walking around in barely their swimwear, men wouldn't need to steal…as much.

A good bikini can even save a relationship. Ladies, if you have a man that wants to go out all the time don't get mad and yell at him. Just start walking around the house in a bikini. I can almost guarantee that he will not be in a rush to leave and if he does, he will come back real quickly. A good bikini has that kind of power.

Perhaps the most important use of the bikini is aiding the war on terror. That's right everyone, a good swimsuit can help fight evil.

We have soldiers all over the place fighting this war and they need our encouragement. I am sure that seeing women in sexy swimsuits will lift the troops' morale and remind them what they are fighting for. I don't care if you are for the war or against it; you still want to support our troops. A sexy bikini photo can say "thanks for a job well done" or "sorry you are stuck over there for all the wrong reasons".

If Osama Bin Laden had his way, every woman in the world would have to go swimming wrapped in a bed sheet. I am not a swimming expert but I am guessing that is not an easy task. You would be at the beach on a hot summer day covered from head to toe. That is not only un-American, it is downright cruel.

Wearing a bikini is the ultimate F.U. to Al Qaeda. It shows that you are proud of what you have and that you are not afraid to show it off. It shows that you will not have someone else's beliefs forced upon you. It shows support for the good ole' USA.

If you don't show skin, the terrorists win.

Bikinis are an important part of this country's past, present and future. So next time you hear about a calendar girl contest, swimsuit competition or bikini carwash don't think of it as flesh peddling, think of it as American pride. Don't look down on the participants and leave your holier than thou attitude at the door.

The bikini has made this country (and the world) a better place for over 60 years. Here is hoping that there are many more years to come.

God bless America and Americans that wear bikinis.