Virtual teachers take their places in schools

In an effort to deal with the reality that video games and other electronic media have destroyed the attention spans of the average American teen, Richmond County schools are part of a pilot program that will employ virtual teachers in the classroom.

In a landmark deal with Electronic Arts, Richmond County schools will be among five districts nationwide that will be employing video game characters as educators in test classrooms throughout the district.

Dr. Dana Bedden announced the deal will be part of a cost-cutting initiative in the school district.

“We have identified a number of students at every school who have absolutely no attention spans,” Bedden said. “We are hoping the use of video game characters, rapid motion and bright colors will increase student focus and information retention.”

EA chief executive officer John Riccitiello said he was excited about the partnership.

“We’re excited about bringing video game characters into the classroom,” Riccitiello said. “No longer will your children have to be restricted to only being entertained in the morning, evening, nights, weekends, holidays and summer.”

The cast of characters includes:

•    Principal: Bowser. Because almost nobody messes with Bowser.
•    Assistant Principal: Goro. Because nobody messes with Goro.
•    Math: Ben Stein. He likes math. And doesn’t he seem like a video game character?*
•    Science: Dr. Mario. He’s a doctor. He can teach biology.
•    English: Duke Nukem. Imagine telling him you didn’t do your homework.
•    History: Carmen Sandiego. She knows the history. Then she steals it.
•    Music: Aerosmith (Guitar Hero). That band can play.
•    Foreign Languages: Spanish - Vega (Street Fighter). French – Gambit (X-Men)
•    Coach: Peyton Manning and LeBron James. What can’t they do?

The idea was first floated back in the days of Ms. Pac Man. Students making their first foray into gaming during the early 1980s were attracted to the character, but a lack of arms and discernable speech made her a poor candidate for a teaching position.

Beta testing revealed an extremely high failure rate among male students taught by Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) and Sonya (Mortal Kombat). Those characters have been replaced with the much less desirable pairing of Princess and Toadstool.

Note: No this isn’t real. Virtual teachers would never work. But wouldn’t it be cool to be coached by Peyton Manning?

*Technically, he’s done at least one video game voice over before, so he counts.