A man's guide to Valentine's Day

A man's guide to Valentine's Day

Men, Valentine's Day is approaching quickly, so if you haven't gotten your special someone a gift yet, you need to get on the ball. I am sure you can guess that it is not my favorite 'holiday' (I use that word loosely) but as a public service I am going to offer some advice on Valentine's Day gift shopping.

What makes me qualified to offer such advice? Experience gentlemen, experience. I am the MASTER of the platonic friendship. Being friends with women is like my superpower. It is my gift and my curse. Most men worry about getting stuck in the friend zone. I get stuck in the family zone and that, my friends, is far worse. Basically, I am just a lifestyle choice away from being the gay best friend.

Being so close to so many women for so long has given me some unique insight into what they like and don't like. To put it another way, when y'all fools mess up, I am the one that usually hears about it. I don't particularly like hearing about it, so I have decided to share my knowledge to help make your Valentine's Day a little nicer and hopefully more rewarding.

One disclaimer before we start. These are just general rules. Use them to point you in the right direction but don't feel like you need to follow them to the letter. Every woman is different and I am not stupid enough to tell you that these tips will work on all of them.

Candy and Other Sweets

Nice, but it should not be given alone. You want to make sure that she has something to remember the day. In two years she won't remember the box of Snickers you got her. Candy should always be a complimentary gift.

Exceptions to this rule: None

Flowers

Roses are BORING. Red roses are REALLY BORING. When February 14th rolls around be a little different. Get something with some color like African violets, midnight iris or stargazer lilies. Be bold. Put some actual effort into it. Red roses say, "I went to FTD.com and they had a sale." Try this, find out her favorite color then actually walk into a flower shop and say, "What can you do in the color red/blue/green/purple/etc?" Local folks usually have more options than what you can find online and can work with you on the delivery times. If you know she won't be home until 6pm they might be able to wait until then to make the delivery.

Exception to this rule: If you know that she absolutely loves roses then by all means, get them just don't be afraid to switch up the colors.

Friends

Maybe you have a friend. Not someone that you are dating. Not someone that you are really trying to date. Not even someone that you used to date. Just a plain old everyday friend. You might be tempted to get her a gift. DON'T DO IT!!! No good can come from this. At the very least it is a waste of time and money.

What if a woman who is actually interested in you sees you giving a Valentine's Day gift to another woman? Unless she is a home wrecker she is probably going to scratch you off her shopping list. The friend that you gave the gift to might wonder if there is something other than friendship behind it. This action can really blow up in your face and should be avoided whenever possible.

Exception to this rule: If your name is Channing 100 Proof you can break (and probably have broken) this one on numerous occasions. My problem is that I did it for years before I found out how wrong it was and now I am too far gone to stop. If you have a SINGLE female friend that has been there for you through thick and thin it might be OK. If she has a man, save your money. On this one please, do as I say and not as I do.

Gas Stations

Do not buy Valentine's Day gifts from any place called B.P., Chevron, Exxon, Citgo, 76, Circle K, Shell, etc. Convenience stores and gas station gifts scream, "I forgot all about you, sorry." And trust me, chances are she will know where it came from. Convenience stores are for gas, a soda, liquor and the Sunday paper, nothing else.

Exception to this rule: There are no exceptions to this one. Buy a gift BEFORE February 14th so that you won't have to do this.

Gifts at Work

I am going to be a little selfish here. Please don't give her a gift while she is at work. It might seem like a romantic thing to do, and on some levels it is, but single people don't want to see it. And bitter single people, like me, REALLY don't want to see it. It's nice that you are in love and it's nice that you want to show that love, but really, you don't have to.

Exceptions to this rule: There are a few. If your gift is an engagement ring. If she works with a bunch of married people. If she works from home. If your gift can be shared with her co-workers (cookies, cakes, pies, etc.).

Multiple Women (Not recommended during this time of year)

If you have a woman on the side, make sure that she knows she is the woman on the side. She should not have any expectations and you should not give her any. Women on the side can't get Valentine's Day. Too much can go wrong. Tell them that you will make it up to them later and spend the day with the primary woman.

The last thing you need to be concerned about is buying multiple gifts for different women. If you get something mixed up you are a dead man.

Exception to this rule: If you like living on the edge then by all means, go for it. If you can handle multiple gift purchases, lunch and/or dinner dates, and general quality time commitments you are the man and deserve every woman you can get.

Lingerie

Think Victoria's Secret not Frederick's of Hollywood. You want something with a PG or an R rating, save the NC-17 stuff for later. If she has some extra meat on her (which is how we like them in the south) then get something that she will feel comfortable in, like a babydoll. If she is a little on the shy side go with that offers a little more coverage, like a cami or a chemise. And please, if you see the words 'crotchless', 'edible' or 'latex' just walk away.

Go through the cabinets and dressers and check the sizes on everything she wears. The days of walking into a store and telling the salesperson, "She's about your size," are gone. There is nothing worse that buying the wrong size bra and panties for a woman. I did it once back in 2001 and she still reminds me of it. You wouldn't buy a computer game without finding out if your system can handle it, would you? The same rule applies here. Do your homework.

Exception to this rule: If she is a sexually liberated person then be a more little risquè. See-thru teddies, body hugging dresses and bustiers are all allowed. Just remember to check the sizes.

The Little Things

If you are a "Limited Fund Lover" don't despair, there are some nice things you can do on the cheap. This is where knowing your woman comes in. Does she have a favorite animal? Find out and go get a stuffed one. Favorite candy? Hit Sam's Club or Wally World (a.k.a. Wal-Mart) and get a bag. Then get a nice looking (and inexpensive) glass container, some ribbon in her favorite color and channel the spirit of Martha Stewart. You can probably do the whole thing for about 8 bucks. Use this as a set up to your gift of pampering. See below.

Make Her Feel Good

Get your minds out of the gutter. I am talking about some good old-fashioned pampering. Remember Valentine's Day is a Tuesday, so chances are she will be a work or school all day. She will be tired and possibly stressed when she returns. Go to the book store and read a few books on massage. If you are poor, you don't have to buy them, just find a quiet spot and study up. You don't need to learn the fancy stuff just stick with the basics. You can also try to Google "massage techniques" but you will probably have to filter some of your results.

Valentine's Day is on a Tuesday this year so chances are your significant other has to work or go to class. When she gets in, give her your decoy gift. Remember it's all about the presentation. It doesn't matter if it only costs 8 bucks, treat it like a 5 carat diamond and she will love it. Plus she will like the fact that you made it.

She will probably be tired from her day so start out by giving her a neck massage. Once that starts to take effect go for her back. Work it over for a while then give her a nice foot massage. Once again, keep it simple, your goal should be relaxation not arousal.

Music

Music is so subjective I shouldn't even try to suggest specific songs. Just like picking flowers, don't be afraid to experiment. You need some good tunes playing while you are rubbing her down.

• R&B: The safe choice is anything by Luther Vandross or Teddy Pendergrass. Their music is great, but this is not the time to be safe. Go with something like Bill Withers' "Lovely Day" or Quincy Jones' "Secret Garden" (one of the greatest songs of all time as far as I am concerned).
• Rock: Put the Marilyn Manson away guys, you need a power ballad. A safe choice is Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss a Thing" but also consider "Train's "Drops of Jupiter" a.k.a. "Tell Me". "Lovesong" by The Cure and "Heaven" by Warrant are pretty good also.
• Rap: Rap and romance don't always go hand in hand. Avoid anything involving Thug Love, Ghetto Love, Homie Lover Friends, or Baby Momma Love. Also, stay away from Ja Rule and 50 Cent. Go with a classic like LL Cool J's "I Need Love" or something new like Andre Benjamin's "Prototype" and "Behold a Lady".
• County: For something upbeat go with something like Rascal Flatts' "Love You Out Loud". When you want to slow it down consider "Tonight I Wanna Be Your Man" by Andy Griggs or "It's Your Love" by Faith Hill & Tim McGraw.

This is a family blog so I won't event begin to suggest what you should do next. I'll just say spend the rest of the night enjoying each others company however you see fit.

Ok guys, you have your guide, now go out and make something happen. Please don't mess up this year. I want to have a peaceful and slightly tipsy Valentine's Day so I don't need angry women ruining my buzz.

Email: channing100proof@gmail.com