Local thugs discuss own economic stimulus package

Facing hard times on the criminal front, a group of area thugs are looking to create an economic stimulus package for themselves.

T-Wayne, leader of the local gang Jackson Five, said the economic downturn has hit his group especially hard.

“Man, people ain’t buying *bleep*,” T-Wayne said. “And when they ain’t buying *bleep*, we ain’t got *bleep* to steal. *BLEEP!*”

T-Wayne was critical of the federal economic stimulus package, which put more than 100 million checks in the hands of consumers nationwide.

“That was clearly a stopgap measure at best,” T-Wayne said. “Based on economic data over the last 125 years, all forms of government intervention in the market-based capitalistic economy have failed to produce the desired economic result.”

T-Wayne proposed his own form of economic stimulus.

“We’s gonna bust in the doors on dat Best Buy and grab us some flat panel TVs and stuff,” T-Wayne said. “I gots me some chain saws and crow bars, we gonna go wild up in there.”

“By reducing the market price on high-margin merchandise such as electronics and multimedia goods, we plan to make items affordable for the average consumer through our resale program.”

“When the consumer saves money on durable goods, it frees up additional capital for expenditure on the non-durable goods such as food and gasoline.”

Augusta State University economics professor James Allen said the plan, while flawed, brought some key economic fundamentals into play.

“For years, the burden of electronics purchases on the average family has been rather high,” Allen said.

“When you bring down the price point to a level more comfortable for the consumer, the average family is able to afford the items they need. They save money on the purchase that they can spend on additional goods, thereby boosting the economy.”

T-Wayne said recent improvements in technology had made his plan much more feasible than in the past, especially given rising fuel costs.

“Man, gas prices are off the chart! It’s hard out there for your getaway car driver,” T-Wayne said. “I mean, he’s got kids too, trying to knock out that rent like the rest of us.”

“TVs used to be so bulky in the past, best we could do was to fit two or three in the van,” T-Wayne said. “With today’s technology, we can fit 20 flat panel televisions in the same space, driving down our cost per unit.”

Note: None of the above is true. My deepest apologies for the extremely poor use of slang. And no, this is not a reference to the rapper T-Wayne. I didn't even know there was a T-Wayne until after I wrote it.