Oil discovered at Municipal Building

The previously unknown oil deposit, projected to contain between 200 and 63 billion barrels of oil, sent oil prices plunging eighteen dollars in morning trading, good news for consumers after the price had risen to $135 a barrel earlier in the day.

High oil prices, blamed on a combination of skyrocketing demand from Asia, supply disruptions, commodities investors and Carrot Top*, have consumers concerned about rising expenses and inflation in an era of stagnant wage growth.

Augusta mayor Deke Copenhaver celebrated the good fortune with a champagne toast on the steps of the municipal building Thursday morning.

“Today is a great day for economic development in Augusta,” Copenhaver said. “We will be bringing in companies to drill for the oil, and the supply will assure lower gas prices for area citizens for years to come.”

The mayor said the discovery would prompt an accelerated timeline for the completion of an enlarged justice center project, to now include new municipal offices.

“They can’t drill for oil with the current building in the way, so we’ll be tearing it down as soon as possible,” Copenhaver said. “We can’t stand in the way of progress.”

Other commissioners were concerned about the lack of meeting space, and promised they would stand in the way of progress until proper accommodations had been made.

The mayor refused comment on reports that several relatives recently purchased land around the municipal building under the name Oil Snax LLC, leading some to believe city officials were familiar with the discovery before it was announced.

Note: Tragic, but true. And by true, I mean, yes, it’s true that this story is false. Sorry.

*Yeah, I went there. Nobody likes that guy.