Tournament officials to start torch relay tradition

Club Spokesman Bill Tolliver announced Tuesday afternoon that a 150-mile, golf-car powered torch relay throughout the CSRA will take place the Sunday before the week of the tournament. The relay will conclude at the course Sunday evening, as many of the invited competitors are checking in.

“We believe the torch relay will provide a tremendous opportunity for thousands of golf fans to experience the tradition of the tournament from outside the gates,” Tolliver said, “and with concessions cars rolling behind the torch, sales are expected to be brisk, if not slightly dangerous.”

Tolliver announced the preliminary torch design will feature an oversized golf ball on top of a golf club engraved with the names of past tournament champions. Torch bearers are expected to include tournament officials and local golf professionals. 

“Plus, the use of electric-powered golf carts is better for the environment than the giant jumbo jet Beijing is flying their torch around on.”

Martinez resident and golf aficionado Mark Arrington said he is excited about the prospects for Augusta’s own torch relay. 

“It’s about time we got a torch relay up in here,” Arrington said. “I swear, sometimes I think Augusta’s the only place that doesn’t have a torch relay.”

Local protest leader Jimmy Noz says he is excited about the buzz a torch relay could generate for his cause. 

“I’ve been working on protest ideas for years and never had the proper venue to conduct them,” Noz said. “Anyone can protest on a street corner, but there’s just something special about protesting alongside a moving symbolic flame.”

Noz said he expected a 35 percent boost in protest effectiveness due to the planned torch relay, upping his effectiveness from four percent to nearly five and a half percent.  

“Ohh yeah, we measure all that stuff,” Noz said. “You’ve gotta keep stats in this game.”

Note: As usual, the above nonsense is fake. Except the word aficionado, it’s a real word, I swear.