Future Gentlemen of America

One afternoon, the boys and I were taking a stroll through our neighborhood and enjoying the spring weather. As we walked, we were discussing some less-than-desirable behavior one boy had recently exhibited, and how we as a family have standards for how we treat others.

“A gentleman,” I explained, “doesn’t treat other people that way.”

“I,” said one boy, “am no gentleman.”

And while I agreed with that sentiment, I told that boy he would be by the time his father and I got through with him.

The art of parenting treads a fine line between allowing a child to be who God made him to be and also training a child in the way he should go. I sometimes get frustrated with certain qualities my boys exhibit, until I remember that children are not born as miniature adults. Children are fearfully and wonderfully made, but they are certainly a far cry from who they must be when they grow up (and I’ll be acutely aware of this next year when Henry becomes a toddler).

“Many parents,” writes James Stenson in Lifelines, “mistakenly believe that their task is to preserve character, not form it. That is, they believe that children come into the world with beautiful traits, admirable innocence, and that the job of parents is to maintain these as the children grow.”

Of course, there is a degree of truth to that notion. As the author notes, children exhibit a beautiful love for God and for his creation. They have a deep love for their parents and siblings and grandparents. And children love truth. These are all important character traits that we as parents strive to nurture and maintain in our children. With my boys, I recognize that each one has his own unique personality, including plenty of positive traits that he will, God willing, carry into manhood.

But in the midst of all this, there is an equal amount of fine-tuning and correcting and training that must occur in these formative years.

Sometimes, when I watch my boys interact, I fast-forward to when they are young men and that image is delightful. I love the thought of my grown sons shooting hoops together or working in the yard or taking their grandparents out to dinner. Other times, I realize that if certain negative behavior is not nixed, it won’t be a pretty sight – when you’re an adult, I explain to them, you can’t put a co-worker in a headlock because you disagree.

For the recent Diocesan Vocations newsletter, I had the opportunity to talk with Bev Firmin about her son Fr. Daniel, our diocesan Chancellor. One question I asked Bev was about Fr. Daniel’s behavior as a boy, and if he was always well-behaved.

“When Fr. Daniel was young,” said Bev, “he had a very hard head. When complaining to God about that one time He told me that He needed Daniel's head to be hard. My job was to train that head towards the truth.”

I am always so encouraged when parents with grown children share their stories. Those of us with young children need to be reminded to fight the good fight. It’s encouraging and inspiring to think that the world is filled with gentlemen – well-behaved men who love God and stand for truth – who were once wild and crazy little boys.

While negative behavior must be addressed, I find so much freedom when I recognize that some of my boys’ frustrating traits can eventually lead to very good things. Scaling the pantry walls shows motivation. Constant questions show a love of learning. If channeled correctly, this energy can inspire great things.

Gentlemen, the good Lord willing, they shall be. I just have to keep pointing their head in the right direction.