The 'other side of Augusta' is like your city

The first week of April is nearly on us, and you know what that means.

That’s right: A major media outlet somewhere is working on its (insert Stone Phillips voice here) “other side of Augusta” story.

You know what I’m talking about. Nearly every year a major newspaper or magazine publishes a story during Masters Week, pointing out how most of Augusta is not as classy as the venerable Masters Tournament or as picturesque as Amen Corner.

Local reaction to these stories (even after all these years) falls into three basic categories:

- Outrage from local community leaders who usually complain that the writer failed to mention the city’s “positive” attributes

- A chuckle from people who like to dwell on the city’s problems and secretly take delight in seeing community leaders get bent out of shape.

- A sigh from people who are too weary of reading the same story to have a more visceral reaction.

I’m in the third category. I do not complain about such stories, nor do I get some perverse thrill out of having an outsider tell me about my city’s flaws during its most exciting week of the year. I’m just a little tired of it.

That being said, there’s not much you or I can do to stop reporters from doing the (use the Stone again) “other side of Augusta” story. If you find yourself in a situation, though, where you are being interviewed by a national media outlet and you have a concern they are working on a (come on, one last time, Stone) “other side of Augusta” story, clip out the following segment and hand it to the reporter.

Think of it as a favor to me.

“Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss Journalist:

Hi there. Welcome to Augusta. I hope you’re enjoying our accommodations and your company’s expense account. Here’s a few things you should know about our city before you write your story.

Being a perceptive individual, you no doubt have noticed we have litter on our streets. Except for the Wifesaver logo on the plastic cups, our litter is very similar to the litter on the streets where you live.

You might have noticed a person or two not wearing a Tournament badge who appears to be destitute. Don’t be alarmed – these people are just as needy as the folks on your streets. You might want to check with our numerous nonprofit organizations – I’d start with the Golden Harvest Food Bank – to see how well we take care of them.

Your trained journalistic eye surely has taken note of the fact that there is a two-block section of Augusta where adult businesses flourish. These “gentleman’s clubs” are the similar to the ones you have in your (much larger) adult district back home. Sure, the lap dances are likely less expensive here (reflective of our lower cost of living), but that’s not much of a story, is it?

Oh, speaking of “strip,” the strip malls here are exactly, exactly, like the one’s where you live: a grocery store, a Chinese restaurant, a nail salon, a video store and a dry cleaner. Just because we play host to the world’s most famous golf event for a week does not make us different from the rest of the country during the other 51 weeks.

Those big buildings with all the pipes, boilers and storage tanks you saw on the far east side of town? We call that “industry.” It’s how some of the people who don’t work at the golf course earn a living.

Last, you might have picked up on what appears to be some racial-political tension in Augusta. Although it’s true our brand of racial politics is a little “over the top” (you probably heard something during your visit about our coliseum authority), it’s not much different from what you might encounter in the 42 states that aren’t Utah, Wyoming, Montana, Iowa, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine. There are racists in Augusta, but Augusta is not a racist city.

In closing, thank you again for your visit. We appreciate your hotel, meal and rental car expenditures. When you write your story, double-check your spelling. That little town south of here is spelled H-E-P-H-Z-I-B-A-H.

Sincerely,

Damon Cline

P.S.: Try the sweet tea. You might like it!”

HARRY KITCHEN’S SINK: Wondering what’s up with Harry Kitchen’s Watermark project at the site of the former train depot between Fifth and Sixth streets on Reynolds? So were we.

The head of Bluffton, S.C. -based The Foxfield Co. said his riverfrontoffice/hotel/condominium project is about 45 days from receiving state environmental certification, allowing him to complete his purchase of the property from the city. An architectural firm has been hired, and Mr. Kitchen said he has been in talks with the Hilton Hotels Corp. as a possible tenant.

“We’ve gotten some interest, but we haven’t gotten one to the final stages yet,” he said.

The condominium tower would likely be the last phase to be completed, he said, because financing for residential projects is a little tight.

“Obviously, the residential market is non existent at this point. You have a hard time putting together a condominium project,” he said. “The banks don’t even want to hear the word condo right now.”

HOTEL FRENZY: Something else we’re wondering about: How many hotel rooms can downtown Augusta support?

You’ve no doubt heard of the multistory hotel being considered for development on the site of the former city police station at Ninth and Reynolds. The project, which is rumored to involve the Hyatt hotel chain, is said to be the centerpiece of a condo, retail and underground parking complex that would be built on parcels housing the old police station and vacant warehouses.

Whether there will be enough commerce in Augusta to support such a project, even after construction of the TEE Center, remains to be seen. Either way, a new hotel would look a whole lot better that what’s sitting there now.

THE WHOLE STORY ON HULL STOREY: Last week, I updated the Hull Storey Retail Group’s proposed sale of 11 shopping malls to an Atlanta-based company.
Or so I thought.

Information that the Augusta retail developer was “confident” of the conclusion of the sale was outdated before the ink dried.

Shortly after I spoke with Hull Storey owners, the deal fell through because the proposed acquirer, Hendon Properties, couldn’t get the $214 million in financing for the malls, none of which are in Augusta. The Hull Storey folks aren’t too upset – Hendon Properties solicited the sale. You don’t seem too upset, either. The only mall you’re interested in is at 3450 Wrightsboro Road.*

THE “OTHER MALL”: Someone asked me the other day “what’s going on” with the Village at Riverwatch project near River Watch Parkway and Interstate 20. Here’s the answer: Nada.

NEXT! Richmond County economic developers are helping market the former Pfizer pharmaceutical plant that alternative fuel company Xethanol Corp. occupied just long enough to convert to a scrap heap.

The facility, or what’s left of it, is for sale or lease. Economic developers are working with a company interested in the site, but they characterized the talks as “preliminary.”

* How’s P.F. Chang’s? I’ve never been, and I’m not about to go until the wait is less than a half hour. I hate holding pagers.