New baseball stadium to include unusual features

A careful look at the drawings of the proposed downtown baseball stadium revealed some unusual features. Here’s a breakdown of some of the most unusual attractions:

Entrance:

Bordered by an incredibly out-of-place 50 meter lap pool, the Acme Brick Super-Sized Tetris Spectacular will welcome fans to the baseball game. Featuring gigantic blocks that will slowly fall into place on a gigantic Tetris-style board, optimistic estimates indicate an average of 14 crushing deaths per baseball season, based on an 82-game home schedule. Who knows what tragedies await if the team makes the playoffs? 

Either that or it’s the lamest life size maze I’ve ever seen.

From Left Field:

When I think Augusta Greenjackets baseball, I think giant palm trees, so I was excited to see left field will be full of them. Granted, I’m sure one of them will be a poorly engineered cell phone tower designed to look like a tree. Anyone who has been to North Augusta knows what I’m talking about.

Also very visible is the Maui-Wowie Fake Riverboat Experience. Fans who are not buzzed on marijuana will be puzzled to see a riverboat sitting on a concrete pad, while those on the chronic will delight in navigating the treacherous currents of the Savannah River for days on end. The Mets have a big apple that rises up after home runs, the Astros have a train that goes around a track, the Brewers have a guy that slides down a slide. We will have a random riverboat that sits there doing nothing. Maybe the paddlewheel will turn, how cool is that? 

Distant Helicopter View:

This view is too far away to see anything at all. Except for the fact that the eighth-grader that drew the picture was too lazy to color in the whole Savannah River. And the fact that, apparently, they’re going to tear down like half the buildings in downtown for no reason. They show the outlines of a bunch of buildings, but why are the rest of them missing? 

Helicopter Over The River View:

See, even the view descriptions are getting weird. From this view, you can see the eighteen boat slips that will make up the Greenjackets Yacht Marina. I say yacht marina because, if you compare the size of the marina to the size of the baseball field, it looks at least 350 feet wide. Divided by 18, that’s almost 20 feet per boat, and I don’t know of many normal sized boats that are nearly 20 feet wide. This 60 foot 2008 SeaRay 60 SunCruiser, for example, is less than 17 feet wide, and I don’t see many yachts cruising the Savannah.  

Overall:

The drawings are some of the most dull and depressing I’ve ever seen. Looks like we’re in the Dust Bowl or something, with all the browns and tans they incorporate into the design. When pale green is your accent color, you’ve got problems. Plans for a new baseball stadium are supposed to excite a population into investing millions of public dollars into a private business project. I sigh every time I see these photos.

Photos, article on new stadium:

http://chronicle.augusta.com/stories/031408/met_190973.shtml

Note: These are not actual features of the new baseball stadium, it's just a design that warrants a little abuse. If you don't see a column from me next week, it's probably because the Ripken Baseball goons went to work on me.