The Weasel reviews King Kong, the movie

This latest remake follows the general outline of the 1933 classic: ape meets girl, ape loses girl, ape falls off really tall building.

But wait, there’s more. Much, much, much, much more.

The Weasel recommends that you do not drink any fluids for 24 hours before viewing this film. With a running time of more than three hours, watching King Kong requires a King Kong-sized bladder.

The movie starts in New York City, well actually New Zealand, but it sure looks like New York thanks to special effects and a new coat of paint. The main characters are rounded up to make a movie on a distant island. Perhaps Manhattan or Staten Island would have been more cost effective.

The journey to mysterious Skull Island is filmed in real-time. The one-hour boat ride gives the audience ample time to learn about the main characters, the peripheral characters, the cameo actors, the key grips, the best boy, the cargo hold, the animal cages and the mysterious Jimmy. The mysterious Jimmy? He is later mysteriously edited out of the movie, never to be seen again.

Once on the island, a group of freaky “natives” jump out and behead a few crew members before dangling Naomi Watts out on a long, wooden contraption.

Now keep in mind, these indigenous people weren‘t intelligent enough to know how to wash their hair. Yet they built a long retractable arm to give Kong a snack every now and then. How? Why? We‘ll never know. And who cares! This is art!

Kong grabs the damsel in distress and then the movie really gets going… and going… and going.

There are no intermissions during this movie. There are, however, ample scenes that would give you a perfect opportunity to take a restroom break, grab some popcorn, or do your income taxes (don‘t forget your W-2 forms).

When you see the peaceful dinosaurs grazing in a field, that is your cue to get up and take a stroll.

Here’s what you will miss. Nothing much.

Some raptor-type creatures will chase the grazing dinosaurs for the next two hours. Many of the rescue crew will be crushed like grapes during the stampede. It would have been an interesting scene had it not lasted FOREVER.

While the crew fights off every conceivable carnivore on the island, Watts and Kong are bonding. A little song and dance and suddenly they’re going steady.

This girl is really easy.

Watts is rescued, the ape captured, and suddenly they are back in New York where Kong is performing in a Las Vegas-style extravaganza. Kong, dressed in a glittering Elvis outfit, is not satisfied with his cut of the shows profits. He tears up his contract - and much of the theater - leaving the show in a huff.

Depressed, out of a job and missing his main squeeze, Kong decides to spend some time to “find himself.” Two days later he finds himself in a bar in Hoboken.

There is only one way for Kong to get out of this funk. He knows he must find his girl and have hot, steamy monkey sex. So off he goes, rampaging through the streets of New York until he finds, as luck would have it, Naomi Watts!

Unfortunately for the amorous couple, a vinyl siding convention booked every available hotel room in the city. To get a little privacy, Kong climbs to the top of the Empire State Building with his girl.

To the surprise of the audience, a squadron of vintage airplanes shoots Kong until he can no longer cling to the building.

As the camera zooms in, Jack Black, playing the city coroner, gets to deliver the memorable line: “Was beauty killed the beast.”

Sorry, Jack. The Weasel thinks we need a second opinion on that one.

“Blunt force trauma caused by terminal velocity killed the beast” is more accurate.

Next time: The Weasel: matchmaker to the stars

- Pop goes the Weasel!