The Weasel: A Conversation With Saddam

A Conversation With Saddam

A One-Act Play

By The Weasel

Copyright 2006. All rights reserved. Performing this play in public is strictly prohibited. The characters in this play are fictional. They are not based on people living or dead, past or present, or even in the future.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

SADDAM: 60. A gregarious former head of a Middle Eastern nation.

ATTORNEY: 70. An old and tired American defense attorney.

SCENE - Inside a jail somewhere in Baghdad. The ATTORNEY is seated at a table, centered in a small interrogation room. A large photograph of President George W. Bush is on the wall. SADDAM walks into the room.

- - -

SADDAM: (smiling) My name is Earl!

ATTORNEY: Sir?

SADDAM: I have been learning English by watching American TV.

SADDAM: (SADDAM sits down at the table.) I LOVE AMERICAN TV! On “Desperate Housewives” they bury a body under a swimming pool. Why didn’t I think of that! (pause) How many bodies do you think I can fit in the hatch on “LOST”?

ATTORNEY: Please, Sir, we have a lot of work to do.

SADDAM: Tell Bush the joke is over. Saddam has been “Punk'd!” Very funny! Now he can give me my country back.

ATTORNEY: That’s not likely to happen.

SADDAM: And tell Comedy Central to stop showing episodes of me on “South Park.” They show me going to Hell and having relations with the Devil.

ATTORNEY: I can’t tell a TV network what to do. It doesn’t work that way.

SADDAM: The Catholic League just had an episode of “South Park” about the “Virgin Mary” removed from TV. And they got an apology, too. I want an apology!

ATTORNEY: We’re not here to talk about television shows. We’re here for a very serious matter. (pause) I need some information so I can defend you at your trial. (long pause) Did you order the gassing of the Kurds?

SADDAM: (tilts head down, looks sad, and slowly sticks out one finger from his right hand.) Pull my finger! (laughs)

ATTORNEY: (angry) If you are not going to take this seriously, there is no point for me to …

SADDAM: Ok! Ok. Let’s talk about torture.

ATTORNEY: Now we’re getting somewhere. Did you …

SADDAM: The bed I sleep on is so hard. It’s killing my back! Now THAT’S torture.

ATTORNEY: That’s it! I can’t work for you. (Stands up, gathers his paperwork.)

SADDAM: Come back! When I get out of here I’ll give you a job in the Ministry of Justice!

ATTORNEY: (turns toward Saddam, pauses, and walks out of the room)

SADDAM: I’ll call you… Chemical Ali. No, that name has been taken. How about the Butcher of Baghdad? Sorry, that’s my nickname. How about …

(Curtain)

Next time: The Weasel reviews King Kong the movie

- Pop goes The Weasel!