All of Augusta to be relocated in Hyde Park escalation

The recent announcement on the decision to relocate residents of the Hyde Park neighborhood has been dramatically altered.

The Richmond County government has released a statement that formally initiates the process of the complete relocation of all residents from Richmond County, not just those from the Hyde Park neighborhood.

Mayor Deke Copenhaver confirmed the county’s plans for the relocation of its entire population. He said he couldn’t just sit by and watch as the Hyde Park residents cashed in.

“The government is paying for the people of Hyde Park to move and compensating them for their land,” Copenhaver said. “Bottom line: I gots to get paid.”

The mayor said the reason for the move was centered on the simple fact that Augusta doesn’t have much going for it right now.

“Aiken’s got the new arena, and the Commission can’t agree on how to tie its own shoes,” Copenhaver said. “The best way to fix things would be for the Commission to agree to condemn itself, but they compromised by agreeing to condemn the city. Ironic, isn’t it?”

Though the relocation plan is strictly optional, initial reports indicate that almost the entire population will be accepting the buyout offers from the county.

Fort Gordon officials announced plans to remain in place, and to use the newly abandoned city as part of a new urban combat training complex.

Officials with the Augusta Lynx and Augusta Colts will continue to try to make minor league sports work in the area, while developing plans for a new facility in Columbia County.

Representatives of county landmarks including the boyhood home of Woodrow Wilson, Sacred Heart Cultural Center, the James Brown statue and the original Wifesavers location could not be reached for comment.

An informal poll revealed that almost the entire population plans to move to Burke, Jefferson, Aiken and McDuffie counties. Though no reason stood out, many claimed they couldn't become part of a community that spends its time trashing Richmond County residents and claiming the greatest problems facing the world today all involve school redistricting.

Note: Obviously all of this is fake, so don't take any of it too seriously. Deke's not planning to move the whole county (that I'm aware of), so calm down. And no, it's not really "cashing in". Direct all angry letters regarding this satirical column to the bottom of your trash can.