The Weasel’s predictions for 2006

What will the new year bring? Only The Weasel knows. Here’s what to expect in the year 2006.

Jan.3, 2006
SAFER AIR TRAVEL ACT
After loosening restrictions to allow scissors and cigarette lighters on airliners, congress passes legislation that allows passengers to carry knives and semi-automatic weapons. Hand grenades and pipe bombs must still be checked at the curb.

Feb. 26, 2006
AND THE WINNER IS…
King Kong, Oscar winner for Best Digital Actor in a Really Long Movie, goes ape when photographed during his acceptance speech.

March 7, 2006
NAME CHANGE
To comply with truth in advertising rules, a major retailer that recently changed its slogan from “Buy American” to “We sell really cheap stuff from China,” changes its name to “The Great Wall Mart.”

April 15, 2006
REALLY CLEAN SKYS ACT
Congress passes new legislation that allows coal-burning power plants to increase air pollution. Communities that are not located near these power plants now have air that looks cleaner than those near the smoky power-plants.

May 24, 2006
FULL EMPLOYMENT ACT
Congress passes legislation that cuts student aid for education, forcing millions of students to quit school and “get a job.”

June 13, 2006
HEALTHY CHILDREN ACT
Wanting to improve the nutrition of school children, congress passes legislation that labels potato chips, soda and candy as “health food,” and ketchup as a vegetable. Oh, wait a minute, that happened in 1986.

July 28, 2006
RUDE AWAKENING
Jessica Simpson wakes up in a shower and realizes her TV show, “The Newlyweds,” was just a dream.

August 1, 2006
FEED THE ELDERLY ACT
Congress passes legislation that takes food from children’s mouths and gives it to the elderly.

September 9, 2006
BIG NEWS FROM SPEARS
Something really big happens to Britany Spears, but nobody cares.

Oct. 2, 2006
WAR ON TERROR
With mid-term elections just around the corner, nearly 6,000 American troops are withdrawn from Iraq.

Nov. 15, 2006
WAR ON TERROR
Now that the mid-term elections are over, nearly 6,000 American troops are rushed back to Iraq to act as “advisors” to the Iraqi government.

Dec. 31, 2006
PEACE ON EARTH
The term micro-nanosecond (1/1,000,000,000 of a second) is invented to describe the amount of time there was Peace on Earth during 2006.

- Pop Goes The Weasel

Next time: The Weasel’s guide to “Intelligent Design”