Latest Abuse: Cynthia McKinney to run for President

Note: She’s running for real now, so I couldn’t possibly do a column discussing the idea… Or could I?

In latest news out of the Atlanta area Wednesday afternoon, former congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (photo, not photo) has formally declared herself a candidate for president of the United States.

Apparently, McKinney opened her campaign on Sunday night on her website, www.runcynthiarun.org, but it appears nobody in Atlanta noticed until Wednesday afternoon. Campaign officials wouldn’t comment on the issue, apparently because they couldn’t think of a single way to spin the three-day delay of public acknowledgement into a positive thing.

The timeline is admittedly a bit puzzling. Atlanta-area news stations first picked up the story this afternoon, but her campaign website made the official declaration Sunday night. However, news reports from Wisconsin indicate her campaigning for president in that state as early as December 11.

So this much is clear: Nobody seems to know what’s going on.

Reports indicate McKinney is one of eight candidates running for the Green Party nomination, and will base her campaign out of California, despite her status as a six-term representative of Georgia’s 4^th Congressional District. It seems catering to her base is not on the agenda.

McKinney claims she will campaign “in all 51 states, including the District of Columbia.” Exhaustive research by the News Abuser’s crack staff of geographers, historians and second graders has come to the conclusion that the District of Columbia is not, in fact, a state.

Campaign representatives would not confirm plans to continue off the beaten path for tour stops in Guam, Puerto Rico, American Samoa and other American possessions that are not in fact states.

Similarly, answers were not provided on the technicality that Virginia, Pennsylvania, Kentucky and Massachusetts are officially considered commonwealths.

More coverage of this late breaking story would be forthcoming, but I’m tired. Probably not the satire you're used to, but I'm out of ideas this week and this story surprised me, so I ran with it. If you want to know more, read the real news. Honestly, I have nothing against McKinney, I just doubt her past political history will position her for a run at the White House.