Your favorite entertainers…need a kick in the throat

Like most of America I love celebrities. I don't exactly know why, I just do. Maybe it's envy, maybe it's respect but some reason I like hearing about who is dating who and who is starring in what film. I am one of the main reasons that the E! Network exists. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I love when entertainers do things that deserve a kick in the throat. It reminds us all that they are only human.

Here are a few celebrities that need a Nike to the esophagus.

Tom Cruise: This one hurts a little bit. Tom Cruise was once a hero to short guys like me. When Top Gun was released in 1986 Tom became an A-list celebrity and a fantasy for more women that my feeble mind could possible imagine. He could do very little wrong. Then he just snapped.

In 2005 Tom begin dating Katie Holmes, made a fool of himself on Oprah, basically picked a fight with Brooke Shields because she used antidepressants, and got engaged to Holmes.

I read the Cruise is working on Mission: Impossible 3, I hope that the mission involves getting his sanity back.

Dave Chappelle: This one also hurts because I am a HUGE fan of his show. I was ELATED when Comedy Central signed him to a 2 year deal. I was HURT when I found out that season three would be delayed. And I was CONFUSED when I heard that Chappelle walked away from it all.

No one really knows why he decided to do it, but I do know that there are very few reasons to walk away from $50 million. Especially when all you have to do to earn the money is be yourself. He needs a kick in the throat followed by a Rick James slap to the face.

Paris Hilton: 2005 was an interesting year for Hilton. She got in engaged in June but called it off in October. In May her infamous Carl's Jr. hamburger commercial appeared. This was an historic moment because until then no one believed that she ate…at all. And don't forget about her much publicized breakup with Nicole Richie.

In February her cell phone account was hacked and the information was posted on the Internet. One of the most interesting things on Hilton's phone was naked pictures of herself. Apparently she learned nothing from her sex tape fiasco. I just want to know, who keeps nude photos of themselves on their cell phone. Nude photos of other people I can understand. I know what I look like naked, I don't need any reminders. Maybe she used it to help pick up guys. "Hi, I'm Paris and this is what I look like naked."

She should really consider making another Sex Tape to improve her image.

Michael Jackson To list all the reasons why he should be on here would take all day. If you saw any part of his trial this year you have enough information. In a nutshell he just needs a kick for allowing himself to get caught up in this situation. He is a grown man, he doesn't need to be having sleepovers with kids. He is asking for a lawsuit. I can't feel sorry for a man that ASKS for trouble. It's nice that he likes kids and wants to help them but there are better and less creepy ways to do it.

R. Kelly: I must admit that this one does not hurt at all. R. Kelly has needed a kick in the throat since he 'allegedly' made that video. From 1995 - 2001, R. Kelly was the target of women everywhere. Black, white, young, old, short, tall, they all want to sleep with him. I know a professional 30-something year old woman that once said, "I am ready to be R. Kelly's ho!" after one of his concerts.

This man had thousands of quality, legal aged women ready and willing to do the nasty with him and he decides to get down and dirty with a teenager. As a man that has problem getting a woman of any age I find this very upsetting.

Since none of this has been proven in a court of law, we can't use it in the Throatie Award judging. However, we can use his series of Trapped in the Closet videos. Am I the only one that is bored with them?

Britney Spears: Remember when Jessica Simpson was the dumb one and Christina Aguilera was the sluty one? Well boys and girls, times have changed. Simpson was smart enough to dump Nick Lachey (I guess she found out that I am still available) and Aguilera has shown that she can turn down the whore-o-meter when necessary. Britney, on the other hand has done nothing but ruin her public image.

With the help of her show Chaotic and her husband Kevin Federline she has gone from "pop princess" to "trailer trash" in about a year. By my calculations, she will be naked in Playboy within 6 years. And yes, I will buy it when it hits stands.

There are the nominees and here is your winner…..

For picking a fight with a former supermodel and current mother, sucking the soul out of Katie Holmes and turning into a really annoying guy that you would hate to be stuck in an elevator with, Tom Cruise gets a Throatie Award. His conversion from sexy leading man to sofa jumping, cradle robbing, Scientology preaching nut job deserves this high honor.

Congratulations Maverick.

Email: channing100proof@gmail.com