It's time to attack Canada

Last week, the Secretary of Defense made it clear that the biggest problem in Iraq was not the insurgents, al-Qaida operatives or the deadly roadside bombing. It was, in fact, the media.

The media is focusing on the negative things like bombings, kidnappings and torture, which make it really hard for the Iraqi government to attract tourists to their desert paradise.

Now that the Iraqi election is over, a major accomplishment for the U.S. government, it’s time to turn our attention to other countries we need to invade.

There are some obvious choices: North Korea and Iran. But after a bruising war in Iraq, the U.S. should look for an easier target.

The Weasel suggests Canada.

Attacking our neighbor to the north would have many advantages. They speak the same language, the cost to transport our troops to the war zone would be minimal and they have oil. OK, the oil is locked in rocks that have to be cooked, but global warming will take care of that over time.

Using the same evidence used to make a “case against Iraq,“ The Weasel will now make a case that a clear and present danger to the U.S. lurks right across our border - the evil empire of Canada.

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Clearly, Canada and their regime will stop at nothing until something stops them.

- Surveillance has shown Canada has at least 18 ice cream trucks that could be converted to mobile biological weapons labs.

- Audio tapes of intercepted phone conversations between Canadian military officers show the Canadian army is prepared to strike the U.S. with weapons of mass destruction.

Here is the transcript that proves it:

Unidentified soldier #1: Hey, Bob. Got the time.
Unidentified soldier #2: Eh?

Unidentified soldier #1: Time, Bob. Got the time?
Unidentified soldier #2: Thursday.

Obviously, they are speaking in a very clever code.

- The Canadian government conveniently could not find al-Qaida operative Ahmed Ressam for more than a year, while he lived among friends in Canada. Perhaps it was the 130 pounds of plastic explosives, two 22 oz. plastic bottles of nitro glycol, and a map of LAX he was hiding behind that made him so difficult to find.

- Recently declassified satellite pictures show what might have been 15 munitions bunkers that could have contained weapons of mass destruction. The site was hurriedly “bulldozed“ just before a retail store was built on the land.

- If a nuclear missile were to be fired from Niagra Falls, Canada, it would strike the U.S. in .0097 seconds. According to civil defense officials, that would barely give this country enough time to duck and cover.

- Most Canadians would be delighted to be invaded, especially those French-speaking citizens. The residents would welcome us with flowers, or maple syrup, or something. It’s a “slam-dunk!”

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The Weasel will return after the holidays with predictions for 2006.

-Pop goes The Weasel