Augusta Colts relocate to Indianapolis

Team ownership quietly announced the plans late Monday night, saying the move was the right one for the franchise and follows a long line of Colts-related relocations.

“True to the heritage of Colts teams throughout history, the Augusta Colts are pleased to be relocating to the Indianapolis area,” general manager John Sisson said.

“We’re hoping for a real coup in the recruiting area,” Sisson said. “Peyton Manning actually laughed at me when I asked if he was interested in playing football for us, so we’re taking that as a good sign.”

Reached while driving between Mastercard and Gatorade commercial shoots, Manning’s only comment was “That’d be one hell of a pay cut.”

Given Manning’s current seven year, $133.7 million contract, and current average Arena Football League salaries of around $85,000 a year, chances are slim Manning will follow through on Sisson’s optimism.

Much as the Baltimore Colts quietly relocated to Indianapolis in the middle of the night on March 28, 1983, Augusta’s football franchise left its offices early this morning, tossing seven boxes and four bags of equipment into the back of the team’s 1983 VW bus.

Star receiver Marvin Stone was completely caught off guard by the move, saying the team simply drove up to his home and asked him, “Are you in, or are you out?”

“I jumped in the van thinking we were headed to Krystal for a bite to eat,” Stone said. “Next thing I know, we’re road tripping to Indy.”

Stone said he was looking forward to the opportunity in Indianapolis, but he wouldn’t forget the fans in Augusta.

“Indy is a big step up for our franchise, but I’ll always remember the days of playing in the James Brown Arena for the Stallions/Spartans/Colts,” Stone said.

The team looks to fill the shoes of the departed Indiana Firebirds, an Arena Football League team that folded in 2004. The team says it will be playing at Conseco Fieldhouse in Indianapolis, a belief city officials say is out of the question.

“First of all, we never asked them to move here,” Mayor Bart Peterson said. “They couldn’t even fill the James Brown Arena, and now they want a modern venue that’s twice its size?”

Plans are being formulated by the previous ownership group to establish a new franchise in the area named in honor of James Brown. The Augusta Browns will begin competition in the American Indoor Football Association in 2008.

No word yet on whether the franchise will eventually move to Baltimore.

Note: None of the preceding writing is correct, reasonable or otherwise valid in any way. So don't take it too seriously, because I sure didn't.