Worth It

One year ago today, we told the boys we were having another baby.

I had been marginally bleck for a few days, was suspicious but decided not to do anything official until after Thanksgiving. So we waited until after, confirmed what I knew to be true, and then told the boys. The boys immediately ran next door to their Gramma and Papa's house and told them. And Gramma and Papa immediately ran outside and across the lawn to where I was sitting, watching Paul shoot hoops. They were smiling and laughing and thoroughly overjoyed. We all were.

Henry, you have been loved since the minute we knew you were.

My utter and complete happiness lasted about a week. Then the hormones kicked in and I felt the urge to throw up -- for the next ten weeks. I spent all of Advent, Christmas and well into the New Year reminding myself how happy we were, willing myself to put one foot in front of the other. "You are happy," I said to myself. "Really. You are." The hormones were ruthless and tough, and they left me feeling sick. They also left me feeling sad and defeated and annoyed with myself.

"Why did I get myself into this situation," I said on more than one occasion. Because while I knew this was going to be wonderful, this whole "having another baby" seemed way harder than I remembered. Here I was, five years from the last baby, quite unsure how I had arrived at the conclusion that being willing to have another baby was a good thing. Things were so perfect the way they were, I moaned. What were you thinking?

And before I start going down that path -- the path of remembering the hormonally-fueled doubts, I want to just stop. The truth is that it was a terribly difficult, long and trying road. And we made it.

And it was worth it.

It was a long, emotional pregnancy. I remember feeling sick and sad and tired and defeated. All the time. But so many people were so quick to celebrate with me and encourage me and tell me I'd make it through. They reminded me to blame those hormones -- and not myself.

I don't want to say that I think every single couple on the face of the earth should stop what they're doing to have another baby. I don't think everyone is called to that. But I do want to say this: that tugging on my heart, the one I heard and contemplated and discerned with Paul for so many months -- I'm glad I did that. I'm glad that God somehow gave me the grace I needed to be open to the idea of another baby Balducci.

Our precious Henry is here. How did we ever manage without him?