Ronnie Few elected mayor of Atlanta

Augusta residents woke up to some stunning news last week: Ronnie Few has been elected mayor of Atlanta.

After an unsuccessful and scandal-plagued campaign to become mayor of Augusta, Ronnie Few said it was time to take things to the next level.

“After my successful campaign to become fire chief in Washington D.C., I knew anything was possible,” Few said. “I’m not going to let a little setback like losing the Augusta election keep me down.”

Few said his quick stop in Demopolis, Alabama taught him some very valuable lessons.

“First, that no matter how bad your reputation is, someone will always hire you,” Few said, “and second, you don’t get the jobs you want by telling the truth on your resume.

“Telling the people of Atlanta I was previously mayor of Augusta really helped.”

Reaction from the people of Demopolis was nearly unanimous, as crowds lined the streets for a parade in honor of the departure of their former fire chief.

Unlike most parades, the man of the hour was not present, or invited, as the community celebrated his departure. The event was reminiscent of the episode of South Park where Kyle’s family buys a hybrid and moves to San Francisco, and he isn’t invited to his own going away party.

Few said that his official motorcade as mayor of Atlanta will be highlighted by his own fire truck, which is sure to put pressure on a fire department struggling with equipment shortages as it is.

Atlanta Fire Department Station 10 chief Jim Daniels said he was posting a 24-hour watch at his station, armed with firehoses to defend his two fire trucks.

“We don’t have the manpower and equipment needed to keep this city safe at present,” Daniels said. “How am I going to explain to my neighbors that the mayor is out with my truck while their house is burning down?”

Note: Yes, I know this is preposterous, and that there was no real election for mayor of Atlanta this year. I’m just trying to scam one more story out of the election season. No disrespect is meant towards the staff of the Atlanta Fire Department.

News Abuser’s imaginary bureau chief in Demopolis contributed to this story.