Friends vs. boyfriends

(*Channing's Note: After posting 3 serious blog entries I figured it was time to lighten things up a little bit. This entry is taken from an email that I sent to friends a couple of weeks ago. I have cleaned it up to make it family friendly. Hopefully, it will make a few of you laugh and teach you something at the same time.*)

Those who can do, those who can't teach. This quote from George Bernard Shaw sums up my experience with dating and relationships. I have no actual practice with them but for some reason I am able to give great relationship advice. At least that is what I have been told. For years I have wondered why this was the case and about a month ago I discovered the answer when I least expected.

I was summoned to the airport to pick up a friend. She was arriving Sunday night; she called me to inform me of this on Sunday afternoon. While I was waiting for her I thought to myself, "It is 11:30 at night. I should be at home watching Sports Center or Adult Swim. She has a man; HE should be the one picking her up. It's HIS job."

I have never had a real girlfriend in my life (sad but true) but I have been doing boyfriend duties for YEARS. Need help moving? Channing is there. Had a long day at work and need a foot massage? Channing is there. Want to go see the Pokemon movie but your boyfriend doesn't want to go? Channing is there. Backrubs, trips to the doctor, loans. Channing is there.

I am not complaining about doing these things. If a woman asks for help you should help. My problem is when a woman has a boyfriend /fiancé/husband/etc. and she still asks the friend to do all of these things. Boyfriends get the benefits of the relationship (and I am not just talking about sex) so they should get the lions share of the work. Don't understand? Let me try to explain.

Boyfriend Duties

1. Buying birthday gifts - This is optional. If your male friend gives you a card for your birthday take it and be happy. Actually you should just be happy with a birthday acknowledgement. Friends are not required to give gifts, or take you out on your birthdays. So don't look for it. If your man forgets, don't plan on crying to the friend and having him take you to dinner only for you to go back to your man. That is not right.
2. Valentines Day - Don't expect a thing from your friend, Valentines' Day is for lovers not friends. Also, don't call your friend and tell him your Valentine's Day plans. Do not even think of asking him to help with your Valentine's Day surprise for your boyfriend. We want no part of it. Violation of these last two rules can lead to a verbal thrashing (also known as getting cursed out).
3. Taking you to the Airport - This is a big one, some would argue that it is the biggest of them all. Trips to the airport almost always involve a major inconvenience or change of schedule. No one ever says, "Can you take me to the airport? I have a 3pm flight." It's always "Can you take me to the airport. My flight leaves at 6am." This means that you have to have her at the airport by 5 so you need to be up at 4.

   In a perfect world she would stay at your place, that way you don't have to drive and pick her up then drive her to the terminal. However this is not a perfect world, so it's not going to happen like that. If she is going to be out of town for a while she is going to want to spend time with her man before she leaves. Which means you will have to get up, drive to her and/or her boyfriend's house to get her. And, while you are packing bags to the car, the man is going to be sleeping like a baby or worse laughing at you as you drive off.

   And airport pick ups are no better. You have to plan these things with precision or else you will be stuck wandering around an airport or driving around the parking lot looking like a fool.

   Ladies, let your man handle this. If he can't take you he should get his sister, cousin, frat brother, real brother or dad to do it.

4. Visits to the Doctor/Check-ups - I am not talking about emergencies, those are allowed but check-ups and routine appointments are boyfriend duties. Like airport trips there is usually a major inconvenience involved. Has anyone ever been to the doctor and been out in less than two hours? If you take someone to a doctor's appointment you are basically giving up a half day. And remember this ladies, if we take you to your appointment we either can't or, in the case of the OB/GYN, don't want to go in. So we are stuck in the waiting room with a bunch of sick/complaining people. Like I said, emergencies are fine but if you need to go to the dentist or get a routine check-up call your boyfriend. He gets the benefits, he should do the work.
5. Moving - Another big one. Moving involves major inconvenience and major energy exertion. Having been the "friend with the truck" I can speak on this one quite well. When you help someone move you are giving up a whole day, bottom line. And I don't care how buff or in shape you are you are going to be tired when it is all over. You are going to carry boxes, bags and furniture out of the old place and into the new place. And if there are stairs you are doubly screwed. The really bad part about this one is that when you are all done, the boyfriend is the one that is going to be called over to eat, watch movies and possibly "christen" the new bedroom (or dining room table, living room floor, bathroom counter, etc.).

   Your boyfriend has friends, cousins, band mates, teammates, and/or frat brothers. Put them to work.

Before you all start to talk bad about me let me say that there are exceptions to these rules. Sometimes your man has a good reason that he can't do these things and those are the times that you should call the friend. But don't call the friend first and remember to use some common sense. If your boyfriend has to work EVERYTIME you need stuff like this done something isn't right. If your man is unwilling or always unable to do any of his 'boyfriend duties' guess what, you probably need a new one.

Men, I am an old-fashioned Southern Gentleman so I am not going to say never do anything nice for a woman. If she is single then you should always help out when asked. Actually you should help out even if she is not single but keep things in perspective. If she is repeatedly asking you to do these things you probably need to have a heart-to-heart with her. Stop acting like the boyfriend when you are not the boyfriend. While you are being her play boyfriend you are neglecting your own personal life.

Trust me, I am a relationship "expert".