Reporter travels to the year 3007

A special projects reporter with the Augusta Chronicle recently returned from a unique assignment.

Selected as a pool reporter in a test run of a new time travel device built at SRS, the reporter went to the future to see what happens to Augusta. The results were disappointing.

The reporter discovered that while the entire world seems to have evolved and advanced far beyond the way things are in the year 2007, Richmond County is still in an evolutionary bubble. Literally.

"Apparently the other counties were so tired of the mistakes of Richmond County, they sealed it inside a bubble to prevent the disaster from spreading to other counties," the reporter said. "Columbia County apparently has passed its prime, but McDuffie County has a population of more than eight million and is really booming."

"Atlanta is now a western suburb of Thomson."

In county government news, there’s not much to look forward to in the future.

"Everyone’s still pissed off about the bickering in the commission. After they discovered a Dominican miracle therapy that allows them to live forever, they’ve been running the show ever since," the reporter said.

"Too bad Deke was stabbed, Caesar-style, before he could get a taste. Hopes are high for booting them out of office in the next election cycle in 3008."

Apparently it took a long time for some of the current local SPLOST money to get spent. The reporter informed us that several projects are still on the table.

"Fortunately for the folks in the courts system, the new justice center was eventually completed by the county, though only after being forced via a court order."

In automotive news, Richmond County became the center of the spinning rims universe by 2085, as most of the rest of the world stopped driving cars in favor of Star Wars-style flying vehicles.

"The Mr. Fusion company that developed the energy source for the Back to the Future car in the second and third films is now apparently the third largest company in the world."

Our reporter also discovered there’s even more bad news for the local medical community.

"Those jerks in Athens really did steal the Medical College of Georgia, just like we thought they would. It appears we held out until 2010, but they had the whole campus by 2025."

Rumor has it that Athens is in the process of attempting to develop a satellite campus of Augusta State University, though apparently few people have made the connection between the issue in 3007 and the controversial MCG situation taking place here in 2007.

"They’ve got UGA, and now they want a piece of Augusta State? Seriously, what the hell?"

Disclaimer: Sorry, but this story is fake... as usual. Read The Onion for more satirical goodness. And yes, I did remove the part about the TEE Center, given the fact that the project was approved by the Commission on Tuesday afternoon.