A woman's guide to Valentine's Day

*Warning: This blog deals with some rather grown up issues. If you are easily offended stop reading now.*

Last week I offered up a few Valentine's Day gift ideas to all my male readers. Apparently, a couple of females that saw the post liked it, so I guess I gave some good advice. One of my female readers suggested that I provide a few tips for women. Apparently this woman doesn't know me that well because she is basically asking me to be bad.

For the most part, men are not that complicated, so shopping for us is not difficult. As a matter of fact, one of the best gifts you can offer can't be found at a store. That's right ladies, I am talking about sex. On February 14, just do a little extra work in the bedroom and you man will be happy.

Sex is to gift giving what 1-800-Collect is to making phone calls. Cheap and easy. Flowers fade, candy gets eaten, cards get thrown away but good sex stays with you forever.

Now, I am sure that they are a few good girls out there that are waiting for marriage or for the "right moment". It's not my personal philosophy but I am not going to judge you. Here are a few gift ideas that don't involve taking your clothes off. Unless you want too.

For the Video Gamer

Men like video games. It is our way escaping the real world. Some say that too much gaming can put a strain on a relationship but I disagree. I think it can actually help if you harness the power. First off find out what kinds of games you man likes. Sports, fighting shooters, strategy, etc. Then look at the list and see which ones might appeal to you. Buy the game and when he is not around, learn how to play it. You don't have to become an expert just work on the basics. Then on Valentine's Day give him the game. He will be happy to get it but he will be shocked when you put the game in, pick up the stick (the video game joystick you perverts) and challenge him.

It shows that you are making an effort to at least try the things the he likes. Here are some games to consider:

• Fighting: Def Jam: Fight for NY - This is one of the best fighting games out there and one of the easiest to learn. Also, it has female characters so you can have a virtual battle of the sexes. It is one of my all time favorites.
• Sports: Anything by EA Sports. - Madden, NBA Live, Fight Night, etc.
• Shooters: Battlefield 2, Unreal Tournament - Blowing stuff up is a great form of couples' therapy.

Some men say that one of the coolest things to have is a girlfriend that plays video games. So grab the stick and become the cool girlfriend.

For the Sports Fan

This one is easy. Find out his favorite team and get him some paraphernalia. I will would probably marry a woman the buys me a San Antonio Spurs David Robinson or Manu Ginobili jersey. If she gets an authentic George Gervin one I would marry her and let her mother live with us.

Now that you have something that represents his team or player, it's time to break out the big guns. Get tickets to see them play and go with him. It shows that you want to be a part of (or at least learn about) that aspect of his life.

There is no need to become a die hard fan and you don't have real off stats like an anchor on ESPN's "Sports Center" just go and enjoy yourself. If you live in an area where the sports teams sucks, plan a road trip. It will give you time to bond and enjoy each others company.

The Movie Fan

Go for some of the classics on DVD. Yes, we usually like movies with violence but don't come home with movies starring The Rock and Vin Diesel. We like real action heroes. Think Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan (his early films are better than most of his new stuff), Richard Roundtree (Shaft), and Sean Connery (the best Bond...ever). Get something along these lines and have a move night. Watch some of his favorite films, WITH him. I especially recommend the Shaft and Bond films because they have some love scenes that should make it easy for you to watch.

The Car Guy

First option would be to wash his car for him while wearing a bikini (think Jessica Simpson in the "These Boots Were Made for Walking" video). If you don't want to go that route get him tickets auto show or a car museum. And yes, you have to go with him.

For Every Man

I will try and keep this as clean as possible. A strip tease is a great idea and it is not a difficult as you might think. Exotic dancing is in the mainstream now, so you can walk into most bookstores and find guides. There are even instructional DVDs for all you beginners. Carmen Electra's "Fit to Strip" series is a great way to learn a few moves to shock-and-awe your man.

Music suggestions

• Dirrty - Christina Aguilera
• Naughty Girl - Beyonce
• Slave for you - Britney Spears
• Cater 2 U - Destiny's Child
• I Touch Myself - Divinyls
• Touch Me (I Want Your Body) - Samantha Fox
• Girls, Girls, Girls - Mötley Crüe

There you have it ladies, a few simple ways to please your man on Valentine's Day. Just remember that February 14th is not your day. It is a day to celebrate your love as a couple. Show him that you are interested in what he likes and that you love him for the video game playing, sports watching, movie collecting, car obsessed, stripper lovin' man that he is. That's all you need to give him a day that he won't forget.

And if, for some reason, that doesn't work just sex him up good and proper. :)