A love note to Barbie

Dear Barbie:

Is Ken gay?

After a two-year split, Mattel wants you to reunite with Ken.

Don’t do it girl!

There’s something wrong with that guy.

He can’t keep a steady job. He’s been an astronaut, a dancer, an airline captain, a dolphin trainer and rock star to name but a few of his “careers.”

Maybe he’s been tossed in the toy box on his head too many times. Sometimes he thinks he’s Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind. Other times he’s super spy 007 James Bond. In reality, he’s a loser!

I can’t be sure, but I think Ken came out of the closet in 1986. That flamboyant Jewel Secrets persona would set off anyone’s gaydar.

But not you Barbie. You still think he’s dreamy.

He’s fun to hang out with. He‘s a good dancer. And he has been a loyal, platonic plastic playmate since 1961. But this relationship is going nowhere fast. Ken is just toying with you.

At 46, your biological clock is ticking like a time bomb.

Girl, it’s time to settle down with a real man!

- Pop goes The Weasel

Next time: Be like Jerry Falwell!