Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Movie Review: Iron Man

Just what the world needs - another superhero.

This time it's “Man in a gold-titanium alloy suit that's painted red because gold is too flashy” (aka “Iron Man”).

The movie introduces us to super genius weapons developer Tony Stark, the son of a dead super genius weapons developer. OK, Stark's father, Mr. Stark, was alive at one point, but he's very much dead in this movie.

Tony Stark (the alive guy) takes a brief vacation in the mountains of Afghanistan. It is there Stark is captured and tortured by a bunch of evildoers and is forced to make a missile out of spare parts and a pack of chewing gum.

These evildoers are not the sharpest pencils in the box. They watch for three months as Stark and an assistant build a robot that looks nothing like a missile. Needless to say, Stark escapes from these nitwits.

Back at home, Stark has a hankering for a cheeseburger. Rather than ordering a “Six Dollar Burger” from Hardee’s, Stark orders a cheeseburger from Burger King.

There is obviously something wrong with this guy. He didn't order any onion rings! Those months in captivity must have messed with his mind.

After a brief fling with a reporter, and nearly kissing his assistant dressed as Jessica Rabbit, Stark decides making weapons is bad. So he creates a fully armed flying suit – for peaceful purposes. Perhaps a Giorgio Armani suit would have been a better choice.

Without spoiling the double-ending, let's just say the hero, Iron Man, battles a bearded Lex Luther. The ending is very shocking.

Two Weasels out of Four

RUNNING TIME: About a half-hour too long
MPPA RATING: PG-13 for explosions and a naked leg
CAST:
Robert Downey Jr – Iron Man
Terrence Howard – Token Black Man
Gwyenth Paltrow – Jessica Rabbit
Jeff Bridges – Lex Luther
Daston Kalili – Screaming Insurgent #1

- Pop Goes the Weasel

A new taste sensation - The Weasel

Everybody loves ice cream. And many of us enjoy a beer or two. Why not combine these two unlikely ingredients into a new drink I call “The Weasel.”

Using a few flavors of ice cream, a bottle of chocolate syrup, and two bottles of beer, The Weasel experimented until the right combination of ingredients were found. The result is a delicious new drink, invented for your enjoyment, just in time for the summer.

Not every flavor produced a pleasant-tasting beverage. Breyers Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and beer do not belong together.

And don’t even think of adding chocolate syrup to your beer. That combination was, well, pretty disgusting.

Other flavors, such as Ben and Jerry’s Vermonty Python and Dublin Mudslide ice cream, created a rather bland, unsatisfying drink.

The best combination of beer and ice cream occurred with Ben and Jerry’s Neapolitan Dynamite. The ice cream is itself a combination of Cherry Garcia and Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice creams. It is important to get both flavors in the beer.

The ice cream removes the beer flavor, creating a delicious, foamy drink.

Even Mrs. Weasel thought this was a tasty drink.

Here’s how to make The Weasel

Fill an average-sized wine glass with beer to the half-full (or half-empty) point. Add about four tablespoons of Ben and Jerry’s Neapolitan Dynamite ice cream. Remember to scoop out both flavors.

Carefully stir the ice cream until melted. The beer will begin foaming like a rabid dog and can become quite messy.

Drink it. I dare you.

- Pop Goes the Weasel

The Weasel’s guide to Augusta

Here’s what the local media won’t tell you about Augusta:

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

That funky smell you noticed when your plane landed at Augusta Regional Airport was either the nearby sewage treatment plant, smoke from a nearby factory, a freshly fertilized cow pasture or a combination of all three, depending on wind and weather conditions. Locals call it the “stench of Augusta,” or “that funky smell is back.”

WHY ARE ALL OF THE STORES BOARDED UP DOWNTOWN?

Augusta is ahead of the nationwide trend of using plywood for windows instead of glass. Plywood doesn’t break as easily and it’s more energy efficient.

IS THERE ANYTHING TO DO IN AUGUSTA?

No.

WHAT’S THE SPEED LIMIT?

Washington Road has a speed limit of 45 mph. So why are you doing 35 mph in the left lane? It’s 45, OK? But during golf tournament hours you’ll be lucky if you can do 45 feet per hour.

In downtown Augusta, the speed limit is 25 mph. Not 45, OK?

WHERE’S THE STRIP JOINTS?

To reduce traffic congestion, the city has zoned most adult establishments to the area of around 5th Street and Broad. That way you can park in one location and stagger to a number of clubs in one night.

WHERE’S THE BEST PLACE TO EAT?

For chicken wings, Hooters, located on Washington Road, is the place to go. If you’ve never been to a Hooter’s before, don’t be offended by the name. The establishment is named after a friendly owl (notice the owl logo on the sign). But the waitresses are so busy serving up these delicious chicken wings, they get overheated and strip down to their 1970’s style shorts to keep cool.

Pop goes The Weasel

Movie Review: Bond, lame Bond

James Bond is back and he’s better than, well, George Lazenby.

The latest incarnation is based on Ian Fleming’s first Bond novel, Casino Royale.

This is not your usual James Bond movie.

The film begins in classic black-and-white. We see Bond violently kill a man with his bare hands in a men‘s room - and then he doesn’t wash has hands afterward! Later, he shoots a guy in Reno, just to watch him die.

After the tornado destroys the farmhouse, this movie is suddenly in color.

Wow! Very innovative!

The opening scene is stunning.

Bond, played by Daniel Craig, chases a bad guy up some stairs. Then down some stairs. The action continues through a building, around a field of corn, over Mt. Kilimanjaro, across the Atlantic Ocean to Parsippany, New Jersey, where he arm-wrestles a great white shark.

Bond gets the code name 007 for completing the mission. You see, a 00 agent must get two kills and gather bags of gold before going on his secret agent quest.

To celebrate his new title, he breaks into the home of his boss, M. Like I said, this is not your usual James Bond movie.

Now here’s the weird part. The movie is a prequel, but his boss is the same actress as in the later movies. So even though this takes place before the other Bond movies, his boss is older than the earlier movies. To make matters worse, the prequel takes place now, not 30 years ago. Got it?

Bond’s mission is to beat a bad guy at a game of cards. The bad guy is played by an asthmatic, because the albino was too busy filming The DaVinci Code.

Instead of killing the guy, or shooting him in the head with an explosive cigarette, Bond actually has to play cards with the guy.

Staying true to the novel, Bond makes the bad guy “Go Fish” three times in a row, just to humiliate him.

With his spirit broken, the asthmatic bad guy takes a few hits from his inhaler and walks slowly off a cliff.

Now I wouldn’t say this is a bad Bond film. In fact, The Weasel sees that a darker, grittier Bond has great potential. But this film has a few things missing - like a good script and some nifty gadgets.

- Casino Royale is now available on DVD. Save your money and watch Bond 22 in 2008.

Two Weasels out of Four

Pop goes The Weasel

Movie Review: The Astronaut Farmer

The Astronaut Farmer is a story about a cattleman who wants to fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming an astronaut by building a rocket in his barn.

Shouldn’t this film be called The Astronaut Cattleman?

Everyone calls the cattleman Farmer. The banker calls him Farmer. His shrink calls him Farmer. Even his wife calls him Farmer. Everyone calls him Farmer except for the illegal Mexican ranch hand. He calls him “No habla espanol.”

Farmer’s got a beautiful wife, two young children and an older boy from a previous movie.

None of the children, thank God, looks like Billy Bob Thornton.

I think his wife has been messing around with one of the customers at the restaurant she works at while Farmer (Billy Bob) builds his rocket.

I kept thinking during the move “this guy was married to Angelina Jolie! Can you believe it? He was married to Angelina Jolie!”

The highlight of the movie is when Bruce Willis shows up to crush Farmer‘s dream of becoming the first astronaut cattleman (Farmer) in space.

Everyone thinks Bruce Willis died on an asteroid a few years ago. Apparently he survived and became a big-shot military guy. But he’s only in this movie long enough to cash his paycheck at the local bank.

Will Farmer complete his lifelong dream of circling the Earth in a homemade rocket?

Will the bank foreclose on Farmer’s ranch?

Will his wife ever stop calling him Farmer?

You will never know because you will not be seeing this movie.

Two Weasels out of Four

- Pop goes The Weasel

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a box of Pooh

I admit it. I like to eat Pooh.

It seems other people don’t share my yearning for a chunk of the brown stuff.

The day after Valentine’s Day, there will be piles of solid milk-chocolate Winnie the Pooh boxes in the discount aisle. That’s when I’ll scoop up the Pooh.

Here’s a few other items you might find next to Pooh on February 15th:

‘The Perfect Man’ ($2.96 at Wal-Mart) is a solid milk-chocolate candy shaped like, well, the perfect man. The muscular man of (chocolate) color wears white boxer shorts spotted with hearts. Yum.

The Hollow Milk Chocolate Apple ($1.99 at Kroger). Just in case the apple-shaped candy doesn’t entice you, they’ve included an added bonus. You get a real fruit juice Gummy Worm inside. Wow. Almost as good as Pooh!

The ’Date Ball’ ($4.99 at Kroger), is made by those amazing psychics at the Magic 8 Ball company. The ’Date Ball’ will answer all of your dating questions. Does she have a social disease? Will her dad really force me to marry her? Is it OK to date my sister?

I asked the amazing ‘Date Ball’ one simple question: “Who buys this stuff?” The answer was slowly revealed - “I don’t know.”

At least you know the ball is honest!

- Pop Goes the Weasel

The Weasel's Augusta Autobahn

A recent story in The Augusta Chronicle explained how the government is about to spend millions of dollars to build a few bridges and improve roads in downtown Augusta. This, the traffic engineers say, will ease some roadway congestion.

What Augusta really needs is an Autobahn.

Years ago traffic engineers dreamed up River Watch Parkway as a way to bypass the congestion of Washington Road and whisk commuters to their homes in Columbia County. And for a few years it worked wonderfully. Then these same traffic engineers started building more roads and adding more traffic lights. Businesses started springing up along what was once a bypass. It should be re-named “Washington Road II.”

The Weasel has a simple solution - drain the Augusta Canal and build a superhighway down the middle of it.

There would be no traffic lights, few exits and no speed limits.

Just imagine a commute from downtown Augusta to the Historic Canal Headgates of Columbia County in less than 5 minutes.

Augusta could combine the proposed drag strip project with the Weasel’s Augusta Autobahn and save the taxpayers money!

Of course there would be some opposition to such a project.

Many people enjoy the natural beauty of the Augusta Canal. But even more people would enjoy the scenic beauty while cruising down the canal at over 100 mph!

Honey, they shrunk the toilet paper, too

During a recent visit to Target, The Weasel noticed the stacks of toilet paper didn't line up perfectly. One stack was about a half inch taller than the others.

Upon a closer inspection, The Weasel discovered Charmin's ultra super-mega double rolls, the size so big they need to be placed on a special roll extender, have been downsized.

Each roll is now cut a little shorter. One older package was still on the shelf, standing out like a sore thumb.

The unfortunate money-saving toilet paper trimming is coming at a time when America's buttocks (or is it butt-I?) are getting bigger. That's bad new for the consumer.

Smaller sheets on a bigger butt mean more toilet paper needs to be used.

Madison Avenue will put its usual spin on the smaller size by advertising it as the "space saver" version.

The Weasel can put up with smaller ice cream, or even smaller candy bars, but smaller toilet tissue has crossed the line. Mr. Whipple will be hearing from The Weasel very shortly!

Why don't they downsize the unimportant items that annoy us every day?

The paper receipt you get with a purchase is way too big to fit in a standard wallet. This isn't Romania, this is America! Make the receipt the same size as a dollar bill!

Pop goes The Weasel

Real news from The Weasel

Who needs to make stuff up when the news is sometimes stranger than the truth.

Here are a few examples:

- McDonald's will redesign all of its restaurants to make them look more like Starbucks. Gone are the easy to clean plastic benches. The McDonald's of the near future will feature tables and chairs.

What an innovative concept!

- You've seen the infomercials - Rod Stewart sings "the classics." The music sucked, but the gravely-voiced rock n' roller sold millions of CDs to deaf insomniacs.

Mr. Stewart has returned to his roots and created a CD of "rock classics." The result is his best record in years.

The Weasel is still waiting for the "Rod Stewart sings Rod Stewart" CD.

- While General Motors loses millions of dollars because they produce vehicles that get terrible gas mileage, a GM executive recently said the solution to his company's money woes is to produce more Hummers. You know, those behemoths that get about 10 miles per fill-up.

It looks like GMs turnaround plan might take a little longer than expected.

- Playboy recently opened a nightclub inside a Los Vegas casino. Along with oodles of alcohol and scantly clad women, the club features Playboy Bunnies dancing in "€œcages" suspended above the floor. For their own protection, the bunnies wear safety belts. Not cute furry safety belts, but heavy leather construction worker belts attached to chains.

It's government regulations gone mad!

- A U.S. diplomat told al-Jazeera news channel that the United States has shown "arrogance" and "stupidity" in Iraq. A U.S. State Department spokesman immediately said the comments, made in Arabic and translated to English for the al-Jazeera Web site, were not accurate. The translation was obviously wrong.

The diplomat later apologized for the statement that the State Department said he didn't say.

Pop goes The Weasel

Vote for The Weasel!

The Weasel wants your vote on Election Day.

It doesn’t matter what office. It doesn’t matter what state.

Here is your chance to tell the politically connected that you would rather waste your vote on The Weasel than help one of their hand-picked weasels get into office.

A write-in vote for The Weasel will send a strong message to our politicians that you want a change.

If elected, The Weasel will not serve. In fact, The Weasel will not even collect a salary, saving taxpayers money. That’s a pledge no other politician can make.

Here is The Weasel’s platform:

- The Weasel is for all good things and against all bad things.

- The Weasel will not vote for a tax increase, nor a decrease.

- The Weasel will not change the balance of power.

- The Weasel will not e-mail congressional pages. In fact, The Weasel will not e-mail anyone.

- The Weasel will not accept payments from lobbyists. Cash donations from everyone else is perfectly acceptable.

Write "The Weasel" when you cast your ballot on Election Day.

Vote for The Weasel you know, not the weasel you don’t know.

Pop goes The Weasel

No Iraqi left behind

With the war in Iraq going badly, and the possibility of Democrats sweeping the midterm elections, President Bush gathered his staff and military planners this weekend to hammer out an exit strategy for Iraq.

Combining "Stay the Course" with "Cut and Run" and "No Child Left Behind," the administration has created a bold new plan.

The result is "No Iraqi Left Behind."

The President's program is designed to disarm Iraq's sectarian militia, remove 50 percent of roadside bombs by 2010 and improve SAT scores by 25 points.

Mr. Bush's "No Iraqi Left Behind" plan has the following features:

- If the Iraqi government underperforms, citizens of Iraq will be allowed to transfer to another country.

- Iraq's president must wear a uniform of khaki shorts, blue shirt and a baseball cap

- Iraqi soldiers will be provided vouchers to attend faith-based military training

Pop goes The Weasel

Honey, they shrunk the ice cream

In the dead of night, suddenly, and without warning, the ice cream in your local store’s freezer has shrunk.

How was this diabolical deed done?

Quite literally - they cut corners.

The traditional rectangular boxes containing a half-gallon of ice cream have been replaced by rounded tubs which contain only 1.75 pints of frozen delight. You now get less ice cream for the same price.

Lets do the math. That's $5, divided by the original cost, times 1/8 less ice cream, or something like that. That's a 12.5 percent price increase!

Now that ice cream no longer comes in the half-gallon size, what do you call it?

"Honey, can you pick up a 1.75 pint of chocolate ice cream for the kids?"

Somehow that just doesn't seem right.

The Weasel suggests calling it "the ice cream formerly known as a half-gallon."

Pop goes The Weasel

Bush's campaign of terror

WASHINGTON - President Bush kicked off the 2006 election campaign with a series of speeches designed to scare voters and improve his poll numbers before the mid-term elections in November.  The president reminded the American people that "we are at war," and that evildoers are everywhere, even under our beds when we go to sleep at night.  An unnamed White House source said "It worked once before. It will work again.  The American people believe anything we tell them. They even believed there were Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq!"  The president also outlined what is, and is not, considered torture of enemy combatants. Waterboarding has been banned. That's the technique of making accused terrorists believe they are going to be drowned by dunking their head under water and nearly drowning them. It makes the floors of secret detention centers too slippery for the interrogators. The government was spending a fortune on workers compensation cases. The CIA will now apply adhesive bandages to the hairy backs of suspected terrorists and slowly tear them off. The playing of loud music to keep terror suspects awake will be banned. Instead, they will be issued iPods with only one song on the playlist - "You Light Up My Life." The posing of prisoners in sexually explicit positions and the wearing of a hood is strictly forbidden. Each prisoner will now be issued a "hoodie" sweatshirt and will be forced to pose for Abercrombie and Fitch ads. - Pop Goes the Weasel

Mitch Miller must die!

Let The Weasel be perfectly clear. The Weasel does not wish Mitch Miller any harm. In fact, The Weasel has great admiration for Mr. Miller’s musical genius and would like him to live a long and happy life.

But The Weasel predicts that Mr. Miller will pass away shortly after the publication of this blog. Mitch Miller must die to prove that The Weasel has abilities far beyond mortal men.

Many years ago, The Weasel had an uncanny ability to predict the deaths of famous people. Unfortunately, The Weasel didn’t tell anyone about these premonitions until after the person's death. That's no longer a premonition. I think the scientific term for that is - an obituary.

The Weasel was also good at winning prizes with scratch-off cards. You know, scratch off three of the four waxy blobs with a coin and win a prize. Every month The Weasel would scratch the Spencer Gifts catalog card and win the top prize. My parents didn’t want the electric toilet paper shaped like an ear of corn gag gift, so my psychic ability was wasted.

The Weasel was never able to predict winning lottery numbers, nor anything that would give personal wealth. The Weasel’s predictions were pretty much useless.

Over time the ability was lost.

But recently, The Weasel has started receiving visions once again. These are real visions - not some faint image of the Virgin Mary on a burnt piece of toast.

The psychic abilities of The Weasel are very strong right now. That is why I predict the death of Mitch Miller.

Who the heck is Mitch Miller?

Some of you might remember Mr. Miller from his CBS TV show that ran in the mid-1960s. “Sing along with Mitch.”

He produced 19 hit songs between 1958 and 1962 with his male choir.

One of his best-known songs is the "Colonel Bogey March" from The Bridge On the River Kwai movie. You know, the whistle song.

One could instantly recognize a Mitch Miller song on the radio. It was a group of guys singing really, really loud, with lots of reverberation added. His songs always sounded like they were sung in a school bathroom.

Mr. Miller ran A&R records for Columbia Records' pop music division and worked with some of the best know artists of the century. He truly is a music legend.

During a school open house, The Weasel sung “Frere Jacques” with other classmates while Mr. Miller conducted. Actually, he waved his arms in the air while we sung French words we didn’t understand. It was like being in the musical group ABBA, except The Weasel was only 6 years old and there was no hot chick in my group.

The Weasel is sorry to say that Mr. Miller, who was born in 1911, is now about to exit this world. Let The Weasel be the first person to say goodbye to Mitch Miller. He will be missed.

- Pop goes The Weasel

Survival: Segregation Island

They've set race relations back 100 years with the latest reality TV series "Survival: Segregation Island."

Watch a commercial for the most controversial show on TV this fall.

What were they thinking?

And what the heck is Shark doing on the island?

This is another production from The Puppet Parody Theatre.

Take the Weasel’s quiz

Are you a closet liberal?

Do you have conservative tendencies?

Take The Weasel’s quiz and find out what you really are.

Answer each question truthfully and jot down the points associated with the answer.

1) What are you?
- A Liberal. (2 points)
- A Conservative. (1 point)
- A Whig. (0 points)

2) Do you hug trees?
- All the time. (2 points)
- Hardly ever. (1 point)
- You’ve got to be kidding! (0 points)

3) I would vote for a candidate that supports …
- pro choice. (2 points)
- pro life. (1 point)
- pro life and the death penalty (0 points)

4) The government should run a budget deficit when …
- it needs money to feed the hungry. (2 points)
- there is a war. (1 pts.)
- Republicans are in power. (0 points)

5) Stem cell research should be …
- used to create new drugs that help mankind. (2 points)
- shut down immediately. (1 point)
- done in other countries. (0 pts.)

6) Tax cuts are for …
- reducing budget surpluses. (2 points)
- stimulating the economy. (1 point)
- the very rich. (0 point)

7) I want the water I drink to be …
- clean and pollution free. (2 points)
- mostly clean. (1 point)
- imported (0 points)

8) I get most of my news from …
- CNN (2 points.)
- Fox News Channel (1 point)
- Comedy Central (0 pts.)

9) The government should be allowed to spy on U.S. citizens …
- when they get a court order. (2 points)
- when the President says it should. (1 point)
- when the citizens have a foreign-sounding name. (0 points)

10) I am a member of …
- The A.C.L.U. (2 points)
- The N.R.A. (1 point)
- The K.K.K. (0 points)

Now add up your points.

15-20 points: Congratulations! You are a Liberal!
8-14 points: Congratulations! You are a Conservative!
0-7 points: Congratulations! You are an idiot!

- Pop goes The Weasel!

Oh, you meant THAT Constitution

The President says he has the power to hold enemy combatants indefinitely. He says the NSA can spy on U.S. citizens despite a law barring such activities. He is keeping documents seized at a congressman’s office away from the F.B.I.

What gives the President these sweeping powers? The Freedonia Constitution! You know, Freedonia, the financially troubled country featured in the Marx Brothers film ‘Duck Soup.’

The President has apparently substituted the U.S. Constitution with the constitution of Freedoia.

Under the Freedonia Constitution, the President has enacted the following laws:

- Dick Cheney must wear a tuxedo and fake mustache when visiting the Oval Office

- Only harp music will be played at state dinners

- Friday is clothing optional day

- The U.S. will invade all countries that start with the letter “I“

- The Dixie Chicks must change their name to The Dixie Scum

- Say the magic word and win a no-bid contract

- all hunters must wear pajamas

Hail Freedonia!

- Pop goes The Weasel

Y did they make this X-Men movie?

The X-Men return to the big screen for another action-packed adventure.

This time around, an angry mob of Goth-looking mutants, led by the evil Magneto, want to stop a company from producing a mutant “cure.” A single shot turns mutants back into humans, eliminating all of their superpowers.

The usual cast of characters are here - Wolverine, Storm, Xavier, Jean Grey, the naked blue chick and Wally. The only thing missing is a good script.

Apparently the angry mutants leave a rave party and head into the woods with Magneto to plot the destruction of the “cure.” To pass they time, they probably play a lot of football, because later in the movie Magneto shows up wearing a silly-looking football helmet.

The highlight of the movie is seeing Kelsey Grammer play Dr. Henry “Frasier Crane” McCoy (a.k.a. the Beast), an ass-kicking mutant Smurf.

Once again, one of the most powerful mutants in the comic book series, Storm, is stripped of her powers. In this movie Storm should have been called “Partly Cloudy.” She conjures up some inclement weather, but in the end it doesn’t help the X-Men.

(If you plan on seeing this boring movie, please don’t read any further.)

In the not-so-climatic battle scene, Magneto uses his superpowers to levitate a bridge to bring his crew of marauding mutants to an island. It would have been quicker and easier to hire a boat.

They fight, things explode, Storm creates fog.

The film ends rather abruptly as if the camera suddenly ran out of film.

After the endless credits, the director decided to tack on an extra scene. This sets up the possibility of another sequel.

Nooooooooo!!!

Y make another X-Men movie? Because they make tons of money. It’s hard to believe a film as bad as this has set box office records.

_ _ _ _ _

‘X-Men 3: The last stand’ (we can only hope)
Now playing in theaters
One star out of four

- Pop goes The Weasel

The Weasel reviews the movie ‘Cars’

Set in a freaky automotive world, the animated movie ‘Cars’ is one of PIXAR’s best creations.

As you might expect, the movie is jam-packed with cars - thousands of them - in every imaginable shape and size. In fact, just about everything in this movie is a car or looks like a car part.

The movie follows the exploits of rookie race car driver Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson), a car with the driving skills of a roller derby skater and an annoyingly arrogant attitude. He can win races, has adoring fans, but has no friends.

Through a series of unfortunate events, McQueen finds himself in Radiator Springs, a rundown desert town along Route 66.

While in town, McQueen hooks up with a dim-witted tow truck named Tow Mater (Larry the Cable Guy). The two of them become best friends.

Why would a fancy race car become best buds with the village idiot? Because it’s in the script.

Mater and McQueen spend a lot of time together. And it seems like Mater’s tow truck hook is constantly grabbing McQueen’s rear end. Is there some kind of ‘Brokeback Mountain’ thing going on here? We may never know. That’s not in the script.

McQueen is given a love interest - the town’s only beauty - a Porsche named Sally (Bonnie Hunt) with the personality of a damp paper towel.

Will McQueen give up racing and stay with the love of his life (I forget now, was that Mater or Sally)? Will he turn his back on the town just to win the Piston Cup Championship? What the heck is Paul Newman doing in this cartoon?

I guess you’ll never know by reading this review.

Go see the movie.

- - - - -

The film is sprinkled with a few unusual items. Look for the following things:

- mountains shaped like automobile grilles

- birds on a telephone line, from a previous PIXAR short movie

- Mater’s license plate number is the room number of the director’s first animation class

- there is only one “baby” car in this film. Can you find it?

Don’t leave when the credits start to roll. There’s more funny stuff during the credits.

- - - - -

‘Cars’ opens nationwide June 9.

Three out of four stars (give it an extra star if you are a NASCAR fan)

- Pop goes The Weasel