The Masters Ala ESPN

I know this doesn't match the theme of this blog and I know that I promised my next entry would have information about places you have never heard of in Hawaii, but I am still working on photos for that and I have to get this off my chest. Please bear with me.

The Masters on ESPN!???!?!!?!

What are they thinking at the Augusta National Golf Club? I just read in the Chronicle that the Thursday and Friday rounds of the Masters tournament will be moving from the USA network to ESPN next year. Have they not watched Monday Night Football since ESPN stole it from it's orginator and fellow Disney sibling ABC? And to make it worse, the article said that MNF commentator Mike Tirico wil be the host!

I hope and pray that they do not also bring in fellow MNF host Tony Cornheiser. That would be the icing on the cake. Maybe they will bring the whole Monday Night Football crew. I can hear it now:

Mike: Well, Tony and Jaws, it certainly has been an interesting round so far today. I wonder how many will make the cut tomorrow. It may be a large group since everyone is so close.

Tony: That is not what is important, Mike. I tried to talk to several of the members about why they do not host a women's  Master's Tournament here and they would not comment. It is like a complete news blackout here. How can they expect us to do our job if they will not talk to us about the most important issues facing us today!

Ron "Jaws" Jawarski: Tony, I think they just want to focus on this tournament right now and we probably should too. Our job is to report what is happening at this tournament. In fact, it looks like Tiger Woods is about to putt on 16 now. Let's take a look a that.

Tony: No! Wait a minute! I have someone to talk to right here in the booth. Let's talk to Ms. Burke about why the Augusta National Golf Club is so evil and why golf is racist and sexist while we show Tiger putt in a tiny window in the corner of your television sets.

Ron "Jaws" Jawarski: Tony! Stop it now! We are here to cover a golf tournament. For the love of God, man. This is not a talk show like The View or Oprah Winfrey! Please just shut-up and let's get back to golf! I am begging you! Mike, back me up here.

Mike: We will be right back after this brief commercial message...

...30 seconds later...

Mike: We are back now with live coverage of The Masters. I am Mike Tirico and I am here with Tony Cornheiser. Our colleage Ron Jawarski will not be with us anymore as he is not politcally correct enough. Now let's get back to Tony's important interview while we completely ignore the golf tournament. Tony?

Tony: Thanks Mike...

This is scary folks. Let's hope that ESPN either straightens up and flies right or screws it up so bad that The Augusta National members have no choice but to come to their senses and stay FAR away from ESPN-PC(Politically Correct).

I have only been gone since late June and it is already falling apart. What's next? Will the Augusta Commission have a meeting without a controversy? Will Austin Rhodes and Champ Walker become best buddies?

Aloha, Y'all!

The Top 10 Reasons To Move To (or at least visit) Hawaii:

In my first blog entry I listed the top ten reasons NOT to move to Hawaii and I promised that I would give the top ten reasons for moving to (or at least visiting) Hawaii the next time. So here it is.

I managed to work my way out of my lethargic, procrastinating, lazy, island mode long enough to type this out. It is so exhausting. I know you feel for me here in Hawaii having to actually sit up and type this in bed. To be honest though, I have always been a lethargic, procrastinating, lazy person. The only difference now is that I fit in better and don’t seem quite so lazy by contrast. In fact, people here think I am downright industrious.

The Top 10 reasons to move to (or at least visit) Hawaii:

10. Come on, it’s Hawaii, do I REALLY need to enumerate the reasons?

9. Shopping. (The females of the family made me include this one)

8. No snakes.

7. See a sunrise and sunset on the same day without flying.

6. Temperature.

Average high temperature in Hawaii in August: 88. What was the temperature in Augusta this August? Wasn’t it like a million degrees give-or-take? (Actually 105+)

Average low temperature in Hawaii in January: 75. Augusta: 33.

5. Great fishing, scuba diving, snorkeling, surfing, kayaking, sailing and boating opportunities all around.

4. Beautiful wahines in tiny bikinis.

(Note 1: For those who didn’t read my first entry with the glossary; A wahine is a woman and when you pronounce it, it rhymes with bikini. Yes, now you get it.)

(Note 2: I wanted this one higher, but my wife hit me in the back of the head and said no)

And speaking of bikinis, that reminds me of number 3 on the list…

3. Beaches and mountains within site of one another.

2. Almost no mosquitoes or flies. Really. No kidding!

1. Laid-back lifestyle. The laid-back lifestyle and attitude here makes Southern “front porch sittin’” seem stressful and hurried by comparison.

There are lots of other great things about Hawaii and I am sure this list will be revised over time, but at least this is a start.

And now, In the “Things I promised to tell you about last time” department...

A mahu is a Tahitian male raised as a female. So, roughly, mahu translates as transvestite. Now you understand what I was talking about in the glossary last time don’t you? What? You didn’t read it? Well, go read it now, then come back… Are we on the same page now? Good.

If you find yourself in Hawaii and want to catch your favorite SEC or ACC team on TV, you can do what I did and get a SlingBox. It plugs into your cable box at home and lets you watch and control TV from anywhere with an internet connection and a PC or from a smartphone like a Palm Treo or Motorola Q. It works great.

I mentioned before that there are no Krispy Kreme donuts in Hawaii. That is only partially true. On the island of Oahu where Honolulu is and 80% of the population of the state live, there is no Krispy Kreme. However, the island of Maui has one. It is the only Krispy Kreme in the entire state as far as I know. I paid $20 for a box my second week here because I was having withdrawal symptoms. It turns out that the locals here know about the Haoli obsession with Krispy Kreme donuts and so they regularly fly over to Maui and back to Oahu with a few cases of them that they sell for their fundraisers at outrageous prices. This can cause a dilemma for a man of principle like myself. Once when I went to the bad side of town to "score some Krispy Kreme", as we addicts refer to it, the money was passing from my hand when I made the mistake of asking what they were raising money for. When they said "The Society To Send All Haolis Home and Secede from the Union" I knew I should ask for my money back and I even tried to, but somehow the words that came out of my mouth were, "can I get two boxes?"

I also said that sweet tea was nearly impossible to find. I was happy to find that all of the Ruby Tuesday restaurants have sweet tea and they do it well. The two Ruby Tuesday locations I know of on Oahu are Ala Moana Mall between Waikiki and downtown Honolulu and Windward Mall in Kaneohe. By the way, don’t go into Bubba Gump’s and expect to get sweet tea despite the fact that it is decorated in South Carolina and Georgia memorabilia, pictures, and maps related to the movie. They do NOT have it. I spoke with the manager and told him that he really can’t pass the restaurant off as an authentic Southern cuisine restaurant without sweet tea (and real hush puppies). I will update you later if they add it to the menu.

As long as we are on the subject of food, the one Denny’s I have been to on the “Big Island” of Hawaii had grits and they weren’t too bad.

Well, that is all for now. Next time, I will list and tell you a little bit about some of the places you should go to in Hawaii that you have probably never heard of.

Aloha, Y’all!  

Bubba Meets Hawaii

I know it is a cliché, but at times I feel like Alice when she fell down into the rabbit hole. Or maybe it is more like "Encino Man" in reverse. Anyway, back in May I got a phone call that changed just about everything for me and my family. I was offered a job in Hawaii. After some negotiations, ruminations, and celebrations, we finally made it to Hawaii in late June.

This blog is about all of the fun, problems, and humorous situations I and my family have had and will yet have getting used to a new culture and new place. I also hope to offer potential visitors to Hawaii from the Augusta area some tips on how to make their visit more enjoyable and how to avoid some common pitfalls.

If you need a mental image, close your eyes and try to imagine one of the members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour trying to fit-in in Hawaii and you will have some idea what it has been like for me. Not one of the dirty ones, one of the other two, you know, the mostly family-friendly ones. Anyway, I eventually got tired of trying to hide my accent and just decided to have fun with it. Now I say “Aloha Y'all” to everyone and they seem to enjoy it though my kids roll their eyes and say "Dad, please, you are EMBARRASSING us," and of course, being the sensitive and loving father that I am, I just keep doing it anyway and that is also why I named this blog “Aloha Y’all”. Ok, kids, there’s your cue. All together now, start the eye roll.

I will begin with a short glossary of terms and some lists that you might find useful if you are considering a visit or move to Hawaii.

Glossary:

• Aloha – uh-LOW-hah - Hello, goodbye, love, and more. It is the Swiss army knife of Hawaiian words. When in doubt, just say aloha, unless it is a Tahitian mahu smiling at you. More on that later.
• Mahalo – muh-HAH-low - Thank You
• Mahalo nui loa – muh-HAH-low NEW-ee LOW-uh - Thank you very much
• Wahine – wah-HEE-nayh - Female, woman, girl, broad, dame, you get the picture
• Kane – KAH-nayh - Male, man, boy, oaf, idiot (the same as everywhere)
• O’hana – oh-HAH-nuh - Family
• Hale – HAH-layh - House, building
• Haoli – HOW-lee – Stranger, non-Hawaiian, non-islander, not a native, white, black, Latino, anybody who likes grits and sausage for breakfast instead of rice and Spam. It is like a Monty Python skit over here at breakfast with the ubiquitous Spam.

Now for the bad news…
The top 10 reasons NOT to move to Hawaii

10. Natural Disasters: Earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, fires, tornados, floods and hurricanes… “Nuff said”.

9. The roads/traffic: Low speed limits, bad or non-existent signs, crater sized potholes, uneven pavement, congestion and drivers that can make you nostalgic about Atlanta traffic.

8. Food and Drink: No Krispy Kreme, Sweet tea, good barbecue, Chick-Fil-A, or Zaxby’s. You can find some of these or a semblance of them… for a price and if you know where to look. I will tell you later.

7. College Football: Instead of Dawgs, Yellow Jackets, Gamecocks, and Tigers, you see Trojans, Rainbow Warriors (Stop snickering), Ducks, and other non-SEC, non-ACC, non-good teams. I also have a workaround for this I will share later. 

6. The six hour time difference: College football at 6 AM, Calls from friends at 4 AM that inevitably end with “I am so sorry. I forgot about the time difference.”

5. The laws: If a bad guy breaks in, give him everything and do whatever he asks because if you defend yourself and the poor little burglar gets hurt YOU will be prosecuted.

4. Drugs: While you enjoy the beautiful scenery at a park, go ahead and call the police because your windows will be smashed by addicts looking for something to sell quickly.

3. Parking: Parking spaces are TINY here and there are not enough of them, so either get a small car, lose weight, make sure you have a sunroof or carry a can opener and/or petroleum jelly.

2. Housing costs: 700 square foot shacks cost $400,000, something like you are probably used to? More like a cool million plus.

1.  The culture differences: For good or for bad; this ain’t The South, Bubba. Get with the program or forever be the hated haoli.

Some of the experiences that led to me adding things to this list are enough for an entire short story and I will elaborate on some of these in future blog entries.

If you have any questions, feel free to post them in the comments and I will try to either answer them there or in a future blog entry if I think they will be useful for other people.

If you want to come and stay for free, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there are a whole lot of homeless people living in tents in the parks and you are welcome to join them if you like. The bad news is that you can’t stay with me. Even if I wanted to invite you it seems I am already running a bed & breakfast for family and old friends from back home and there are no vacancies for the foreseeable future. So, once my fourth cousin, twice removed, and his family of 5 plus the dog go home, give us a call and see how we feel about some more house guests... Hmmm, maybe I should add that to the list.

Next time, I will share the top 10 reasons you SHOULD move to Hawaii or at least visit.

Until then...

Mahalo and Aloha Ya’ll!