Tournament officials to start torch relay tradition

Officials with Augusta National have announced the first change prompted by patron-submitted requests. 

Club Spokesman Bill Tolliver announced Tuesday afternoon that a 150-mile, golf-car powered torch relay throughout the CSRA will take place the Sunday before the week of the tournament. The relay will conclude at the course Sunday evening, as many of the invited competitors are checking in.

“We believe the torch relay will provide a tremendous opportunity for thousands of golf fans to experience the tradition of the tournament from outside the gates,” Tolliver said, “and with concessions cars rolling behind the torch, sales are expected to be brisk, if not slightly dangerous.”

Tolliver announced the preliminary torch design will feature an oversized golf ball on top of a golf club engraved with the names of past tournament champions. Torch bearers are expected to include tournament officials and local golf professionals. 

“Plus, the use of electric-powered golf carts is better for the environment than the giant jumbo jet Beijing is flying their torch around on.”

Martinez resident and golf aficionado Mark Arrington said he is excited about the prospects for Augusta’s own torch relay. 

“It’s about time we got a torch relay up in here,” Arrington said. “I swear, sometimes I think Augusta’s the only place that doesn’t have a torch relay.”

Local protest leader Jimmy Noz says he is excited about the buzz a torch relay could generate for his cause. 

“I’ve been working on protest ideas for years and never had the proper venue to conduct them,” Noz said. “Anyone can protest on a street corner, but there’s just something special about protesting alongside a moving symbolic flame.”

Noz said he expected a 35 percent boost in protest effectiveness due to the planned torch relay, upping his effectiveness from four percent to nearly five and a half percent.  

“Ohh yeah, we measure all that stuff,” Noz said. “You’ve gotta keep stats in this game.”

Note: As usual, the above nonsense is fake. Except the word aficionado, it’s a real word, I swear.

Area cheerleaders win 37th national championship of 2008

Local cheerleading boosters are jumping up and down over winning more than three dozen national championships in the first four months of the year.

Groups from area colleges, high schools and competition squads have been raking in nearly a dozen national championship awards a month, and are on pace for more than 100 national championships by the end of the year.

Megan Willis of SuperCheerStarz, which reported six national championships through March, said she was proud of her girls but has started questioning the legitimacy of a system that awards the majority of its participant’s national champion status.

“We are excited to receive so many awards, but we noticed at our last competition that everyone else is posing with national championship banners too,” Willis said. “Does that mean we’re not really national champions?”

Other cheerleading organizations contacted by News Abuser staff reported similar success. In fact, only a few groups reported receiving anything less than a national championship at any event they had attended in the last few years.

The primary reason given for not receiving national championships was that they forgot to show up for the event. Two competitions actually mailed the championship banner to the team even though they never showed up.

Industry officials rejected the idea that every cheerleading group is declared national champion on a regular basis, though one source admitted the numbers indicate otherwise.

With over 950 governing bodies hosting over 60,000 national championship level events in over 180 cities annually, the odds seem in favor of the cheerleaders, given there are only 12,000 groups in the country.

Note: All of the numbers and information in the above commentary is made up, as is the content of this story. Nothing against cheerleading, but has anyone else noticed all the photos in the paper of national championship-winning cheer groups?

Either all the best cheerleaders live in the CSRA, or there are way too many competitions. It'd be like the NFL having ten Super Bowls, or college football having 32 bowl games... wait, nevermind. 

Yankees to Pope: Keep off the grass

Occasionally, I like to jump on real world topics for discussion, and this is one of those days.

The United States is rolling out the red carpet for the Pope’s visit to the United States, with the President meeting his plane at Andrews AFB (he’s never done that before), thousands singing “Happy Birthday” to the Pope at the White House and much, much more.

But for his stop at Yankee Stadium during the tour, the Pope’s entourage has been asked by officials to keep the PopeMobile off the grass at the stadium. Really.

I think I speak for the 70 million Catholics in this country, and a bunch of other Pope-a-Maniacs* around the world, when I say: He’s the Pope.

Fact: They call him “Your Holiness.”

Fact: Anyone who is legitimately called “Your Holiness” can drive wherever they want.

Fact: This includes the field at Yankee Stadium.

Fact: The PopeMobile can do doughnuts on the field at Yankee Stadium during a game and you are to respond by thanking him for his blessing.

Fact: Brian Cashman only thinks he reports to “The Boss.” The Pope reports to “The Boss.”

Fact: No, I’m not referring to Bruce Springsteen.

Seriously, who in the front office had the stones to issue that decree? The Pope should issue a Papal bull (Yeah, he can issue a statement called a bull. Now that is powerful.) in response that he will do whatever he pleases, because he’s the Pope.

You would think this would not be cool with the high percentage of New Yorkers that are Catholic, so we’ll see how this goes.

Happy birthday, Pope.

Note: You can probably guess from my possible capitalization mistakes that I’m not Catholic. Sorry, I’m one of the Protestant heathens. This one is actually true, unfortunately. Check out the link above to see Yahoo! Sports' discussion of the issue.

* Hope I don’t go to hell for that one.

Pimento Cheese crisis threatens 2008 Masters

With food prices rising almost as rapidly as fuel prices, organizers for the Masters Tournament are realizing that not even their precious pimento cheese is safe from the situation.

Masters food vendor Centerplate has announced the price of pimento cheese has risen over 50 percent in the last year, to over $110 a barrel. Production disruptions in North Carolina, wage conflicts in the dairy pastures of California and rampant speculation have fueled a meteoric rise in prices.

“We’re really struggling to overcome the price problems we are experiencing,“ food service spokesman Tom Arnold said. “We have a tradition to uphold here, but at the same time, we’re trying not to lose our shirts on the deal.”

Food service officials have considered solutions ranging from raising the prices of the sandwiches to offering the sandwiches as a loss-leader to encourage the purchase of other items at concessions stands. Officials have even considered taking the unprecedented step of shortening the tournament to three rounds.

Arnold said tournament officials have asked Governor Sonny Perdue to declare a pimento cheese state of emergency in Richmond County, in an effort to clear the way for federal funds to help deal with the crisis.

FEMA spokesman James McIntyre said emergency officials are standing by for federal approval to deliver 26 truckloads of pimento cheese from federal emergency supply warehouses in Kentucky and Alabama.

“This thing has gone straight to the top,” McIntyre said. “The President is being kept apprised of the situation in his morning briefings, and is expected to make a decision in the next few days.”

Mozzarella, cheddar and Cheez Whiz manufacturers have offered to assist in resolving the crisis, but concessions officials rejected their offers, saying they’re trying to taint the tradition of the tournament.

Note: Rest easy, there isn't really a pimento cheese crisis. And the rest of the story is fake too.

Clinton campaigned in Aiken under “heavy fire”

In the wake of revelations that Hillary Clinton ‘mis-spoke’ about landing in Bosnia under enemy fire, the campaign has released an unexpected statement.

The campaign is now claiming she was under fire in many locations, including Aiken.

The release indicated Clinton was attacked in locations including:

• Mayberry, NC: Two teenagers with a slingshot (both were Tazed).
• Aiken, SC: A college kid with a water balloon (also Tazed, which is dangerous with water involved).
• Buffalo, NY: An angry cat whose tail Clinton stepped on (which blew up like the cat in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when Tazed).
• Western AK: A Russian T-95 main battle tank (Efforts to Taze it were ineffective. Fortunately, the campaign is equipped with the latest in anti-tank weaponry).

The USC Aiken student claims Clinton walked into the middle of an on-campus water balloon fight, and he did not see her until it was too late.

“We had 420 people involved in an inter-fraternity water balloon fight for charity,” sophomore Ken Chesney said, “so she couldn’t have not seen it.”

“I’m not taking responsibility for this one; she needs to get a grip.”

Campaign officials released a subsequent statement denying Clinton’s need to “get a grip.”

Claims that the presidential candidate was also under fire at stops in Detroit and Compton, California could not be confirmed or denied because, well, it’s Detroit and Compton. It happens.

Note: None of the above is true except for the fact that she ‘mis-spoke’ about landing in Bosnia under fire. It’s not a big deal, but lying about it for personal gain strikes me as a slap in the face to anyone who has actually been under enemy fire.

Bonus Game: Taze the Don’t’ Taze Me Bro Guy:

http://www.addictinggames.com/donttazemebro.html

New baseball stadium to include unusual features

A careful look at the drawings of the proposed downtown baseball stadium revealed some unusual features. Here’s a breakdown of some of the most unusual attractions:

Entrance:

Bordered by an incredibly out-of-place 50 meter lap pool, the Acme Brick Super-Sized Tetris Spectacular will welcome fans to the baseball game. Featuring gigantic blocks that will slowly fall into place on a gigantic Tetris-style board, optimistic estimates indicate an average of 14 crushing deaths per baseball season, based on an 82-game home schedule. Who knows what tragedies await if the team makes the playoffs? 

Either that or it’s the lamest life size maze I’ve ever seen.

From Left Field:

When I think Augusta Greenjackets baseball, I think giant palm trees, so I was excited to see left field will be full of them. Granted, I’m sure one of them will be a poorly engineered cell phone tower designed to look like a tree. Anyone who has been to North Augusta knows what I’m talking about.

Also very visible is the Maui-Wowie Fake Riverboat Experience. Fans who are not buzzed on marijuana will be puzzled to see a riverboat sitting on a concrete pad, while those on the chronic will delight in navigating the treacherous currents of the Savannah River for days on end. The Mets have a big apple that rises up after home runs, the Astros have a train that goes around a track, the Brewers have a guy that slides down a slide. We will have a random riverboat that sits there doing nothing. Maybe the paddlewheel will turn, how cool is that? 

Distant Helicopter View:

This view is too far away to see anything at all. Except for the fact that the eighth-grader that drew the picture was too lazy to color in the whole Savannah River. And the fact that, apparently, they’re going to tear down like half the buildings in downtown for no reason. They show the outlines of a bunch of buildings, but why are the rest of them missing? 

Helicopter Over The River View:

See, even the view descriptions are getting weird. From this view, you can see the eighteen boat slips that will make up the Greenjackets Yacht Marina. I say yacht marina because, if you compare the size of the marina to the size of the baseball field, it looks at least 350 feet wide. Divided by 18, that’s almost 20 feet per boat, and I don’t know of many normal sized boats that are nearly 20 feet wide. This 60 foot 2008 SeaRay 60 SunCruiser, for example, is less than 17 feet wide, and I don’t see many yachts cruising the Savannah.  

Overall:

The drawings are some of the most dull and depressing I’ve ever seen. Looks like we’re in the Dust Bowl or something, with all the browns and tans they incorporate into the design. When pale green is your accent color, you’ve got problems. Plans for a new baseball stadium are supposed to excite a population into investing millions of public dollars into a private business project. I sigh every time I see these photos.

Photos, article on new stadium:

http://chronicle.augusta.com/stories/031408/met_190973.shtml

Note: These are not actual features of the new baseball stadium, it's just a design that warrants a little abuse. If you don't see a column from me next week, it's probably because the Ripken Baseball goons went to work on me. 

Ferrell to star in indoor football movie

Hollywood executives announced plans to begin production on Will Ferrell’s latest sports spoof movie in Augusta this June.

Following the success of sports movies “Talladega Nights,” “Blades of Glory” and “Semi-Pro,” the film will star Ferrell as he takes on the role of Augusta Colts player/coach/manager/owner/announcer/referee/janitor/concessionaire Colt “John” Wayne, a fourth grade dropout whose trip to the NFL Scouting Combine didn’t go so well.

“Wayne dreamed of playing in the NFL his whole life,” Ferrell said, “but a 9.8 second 40-yard-dash time crushed his dreams right then and there.

“He’s looking for another chance at the big time, and the Augusta Colts is the team that gives him his last shot.”

The team, which changed names three times while the script was being written, gives him a chance on the offensive line and is on the brink of cutting him until he promises to fill nearly every job the team has open. Citing budget concerns, the team agrees and he makes the final roster.

“People don’t understand why I keep making these movies,” Ferrell said, “but they make huge bank, and I’ll keep making them until I’m 90 if people keep watching. I’d be stupid not to.”

“I Am A Legend: The Colt Wayne Saga” will be filmed on location at James Brown Arena and throughout the CSRA by New Line Cinema and directed by Kent Alterman.

Note: No, this movie is not going to be made, and no, Kent Alterman will not really be coming to Augusta. Incidentally, Ferrell was spotted in Augusta during the Masters last year, and was pulled over for speeding in North Augusta.

Williams, Holland denied seats on Technology Commission

In a less-publicized decision at the Augusta Commission meeting Tuesday, commissioners voted 9-1 to deny seats on the Augusta Technology Commission to Marion Williams and Calvin Holland.

With memories of Computergate still fresh in their minds, commissioners voted almost unanimously against the nominations of Williams and Holland.

Over the initial protests of the commission, the two nominated each other for the posts, which carry no salary or benefits of any kind.

In fact, the commission does not exist.

Mayor Deke Copenhaver said he was puzzled by the nominations.

“We don’t have a technology commission, so I don’t know why people would want to be on it,” Copenhaver said. “I just don’t want this turning into a big race issue.”

In exchange for their agreements not to pursue positions on non-existent commissions in the future, city administrator Fred Russell granted them unlimited use of a city-owned 32 megabyte flash drive.

“It’s five years old and was just laying unused in the back of an IT guy’s drawer,” Russell said. “I’d say it’s well worth it.”

Note: No, there isn’t really a technology commission. And no, none of the rest of what I said is true either.

City of North Augusta does developers a huge favor

Proponents of the proposed Kingery Landing development were crushed when their plan was rejected by North Augusta officials.

They might want to turn around and do some serious butt kissing.

The developers of The Landing at River Club, the condo project next to the 13^th Street bridge in North Augusta, have recently put the 24 remaining unsold properties for sale in a “Developer Closeout Auction.”

Translation: We took a bath on this project. Let’s bail. Stat.

Waterfront property has historically been a solid investment, but it seems this project is sinking fast, and developers are offering condos with starting bids ranging from 25 - 45 percent off.

The properties at auction represent half the original total of 48 condos planned for the project.

Translation: Whoa, it’s worse than we thought. Bail faster!

Maybe Kingery Landing had something better in mind, but the way the River Club project worked out, they were probably better off getting turned down.

Who knows, maybe they knew it the whole time and were faking the appeal process. Kinda like asking your friend to hold you back from the fight when you’re staring down a ripped and extremely dangerous looking Navy SEAL who just questioned your manhood.

You just accept it and move on. Limbs intact. Manhood in doubt.

Note: The auction is real, the editorializing is just that.

Get in on the action:

http://www.terryhowe.com/auctions/2008_landing/default.html

Perdue to cut school funding by 100 percent

Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue has made his mark on the school funding budget controversy, proposing a full 100 percent cut of state funding for all education programs.

The cuts, set to go into effect for the 2008-2009 school year, has area teachers and school administrators on edge as the idea is batted around in state government.

Perdue released a statement claiming he was hoping the funding cuts would have a positive impact on the community, and free up money for a wide variety of programs.

“We currently provide more than 51 percent of the funding for public schools in the state, and I think the local and national governments could do much more to help,” Perdue said. “By cutting all funding for the upcoming school year, I’m forcing the federal government’s hand and requiring action to prevent the cancellation of our children’s education.

“It allows us to spend the newly-available funds on wilderness protection, police, and my favorite area: Fishing!””

Perdue wouldn’t comment on the possibility that the federal government will simply refuse to make up the difference in funding. He instead focused on other “positive” aspects of the decision.

“Almost 85 percent of all bomb threats are school-related, so if schools are closed, the number of bomb threats will plummet, and local governments will save lots of money,” Perdue said. “Plus, all those kids will have to stop sponging off the government and get jobs.”

Richmond County Superintendent Dana Bedden says he is outraged at the governor’s cavalier attitude towards education funding.

“No matter his reasoning, if he thinks he can simply eliminate state funding for education, he’s got another thing coming,” Bedden said. “He’s got his SonnyDo list, I’m going to add a beatdown to my DanaDo list.”

Note: This clearly has no basis in reality, and I really hope he doesn’t do this, because that would be bad. But with all the fighting and discussion going on about school funding in Atlanta, you have to wonder if anyone’s proposed this, even as a joke. Dr. Bedden’s awesome; I know he would know what to do. I found the 51 percent number on a PowerPoint I found with Google, so it must be true.

Cupid enlisted to bring Coliseum Authority together

Love is in the air at the Coliseum Authority. At least, it may be in the near future.

The few members of the Coliseum Authority that regularly attend meetings have agreed on a plan to bring Cupid in to spark a little goodwill and cooperation in the committee.

Though the initiative was not officially approved due to lack of a quorum, authority members say they will act on the idea.

“We’re tired of the frustrations we’ve caused the community by not being able to work together,” authority chairman Harry Moore said. “We think a little of Cupid’s magic could help bring some of the members together to make sure we get things done around here.”

Moore said he was hoping a light dose of Cupid’s spell could do the trick; anything more could be disastrous.

“We certainly don’t want anything that would result in marital strain or infidelity,” Moore said, “but a small prick from one of his arrows might just do the trick.”

Reached at home, Cupid said he is looking forward to the challenge.

“I spend my days sparking love in men and women all over the world, so a challenge like this really has me interested,” Cupid said. “Granted, from what I hear, this group might require more arrows than I traditionally employ.”

Cupid, a.k.a. Eros or Amor, said he has been tweaking his formula for years and believes he has just the thing.

“I don’t make a lot of money at this job, so I have a number of businesses on the side,” Cupid said. “I frequently speak at business meetings and conventions to encourage teamwork and cooperation, so I do have something for the occasion.”

“I also work in weapons development for a number of military contractors; you may have seen some of my best work in Rambo III.”

Note: Of course Cupid's not going to come in and change things. It would be awesome (and a little weird) if he did, but those folks need something to get their acts together. If they can unite in despizing this satirical article, then that's at least a step in the right direction.

Augusta’s Bob Linsenmeyer to perform at Super Bowl XLIII

Augusta’s music scene received a major boost on Monday as one of its own was selected to headline the Super Bowl XLIII halftime show in 2009.

According to NFL sources, Bob Linsenmeyer, a local musician and songwriter, was selected by the NFL for his musical talents and his excellent rapport with kids.

“Bob is exactly who we were looking for to energize the Super Bowl scene,” NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said.

Aiello said Linsenmeyer “had the ‘nothing-can-go-wrong’ look that we at the NFL crave.”

“We really liked what we saw when we watched his Singer-Songwriter video,” Aiello said. “We look forward to watching him rock Raymond James Stadium in Tampa a year from now.”

At a Monday press conference at the NFL’s New York headquarters, Linsenmeyer said he was surprised by his selection, but looks forward to the experience.

“Super Bowl XLIII will really put my name on the national map,” Linsenmeyer said. “I appreciate everything Steven Uhles and the Singer-Songwriter contest did for my local popularity, but I think it’s time I took things to the next level.”

Linsenmeyer then dropped the microphone, flashed a sideways peace sign and left the room.

Note: Obviously, this didn’t really just happen. They won’t announce the next Super Bowl headliners for several months. Not knocking Bob (I just picked a local artist), I just think it’s funny that the NFL has gotten more and more careful in selecting halftime show performers every year since the Janet Jackson incident. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers? Seriously?

My prediction for the Super Bowl XLIII halftime show: The Wiggles.

Watch The Video:

http://chronicle.augusta.com/ystories/091307/mus_143496.shtml

Local satirical columnist forgets to write column

In late breaking news this week, a local satirical columnist revealed that he indeed missed deadline on his column.

Traditionally written on Tuesdays or Wednesdays, the weekly News Abuser column has become a fixture in the blogosphere, and the disruptions are said to have been felt as far away as Hephzibah and Evans.

Abuser claims the problem was related to the Internet outage being experienced in the Middle East, though that was obviously a lie.

Though he wouldn’t give a real excuse for the error, News Abuser reported he would be redoubling efforts to publish his column in its usual “somewhat on time” format in the weeks and months to come.

“I regret the harm and inconvenience to the nearly ten readers of my column,” Abuser said, “and hope that my absence has not caused them any concern as to my well-being.”

Executives at blogs.augusta.com say they have not decided what punitive actions to take for the error, but a reliable source leaked that the blog will now go from being posted for free to being charged for online publication. Donations to keep the blog alive can be sent to newsabuser@igotstogetpaid.com.

Note: I really did forget to write it until this morning. That’s the truth. For real. No joke. Sorry. And don’t send any money. At least, don’t send it until I register that email address and can collect. I'll do better next week.

All of Augusta to be relocated in Hyde Park escalation

The recent announcement on the decision to relocate residents of the Hyde Park neighborhood has been dramatically altered.

The Richmond County government has released a statement that formally initiates the process of the complete relocation of all residents from Richmond County, not just those from the Hyde Park neighborhood.

Mayor Deke Copenhaver confirmed the county’s plans for the relocation of its entire population. He said he couldn’t just sit by and watch as the Hyde Park residents cashed in.

“The government is paying for the people of Hyde Park to move and compensating them for their land,” Copenhaver said. “Bottom line: I gots to get paid.”

The mayor said the reason for the move was centered on the simple fact that Augusta doesn’t have much going for it right now.

“Aiken’s got the new arena, and the Commission can’t agree on how to tie its own shoes,” Copenhaver said. “The best way to fix things would be for the Commission to agree to condemn itself, but they compromised by agreeing to condemn the city. Ironic, isn’t it?”

Though the relocation plan is strictly optional, initial reports indicate that almost the entire population will be accepting the buyout offers from the county.

Fort Gordon officials announced plans to remain in place, and to use the newly abandoned city as part of a new urban combat training complex.

Officials with the Augusta Lynx and Augusta Colts will continue to try to make minor league sports work in the area, while developing plans for a new facility in Columbia County.

Representatives of county landmarks including the boyhood home of Woodrow Wilson, Sacred Heart Cultural Center, the James Brown statue and the original Wifesavers location could not be reached for comment.

An informal poll revealed that almost the entire population plans to move to Burke, Jefferson, Aiken and McDuffie counties. Though no reason stood out, many claimed they couldn't become part of a community that spends its time trashing Richmond County residents and claiming the greatest problems facing the world today all involve school redistricting.

Note: Obviously all of this is fake, so don't take any of it too seriously. Deke's not planning to move the whole county (that I'm aware of), so calm down. And no, it's not really "cashing in". Direct all angry letters regarding this satirical column to the bottom of your trash can.

Players, owners demand NFL transition to bowl schedule

In an era of constant conflict over the college football bowl system, NFL players and owners are taking the opposite approach.

Gene Upshaw, executive director of the NFL Players Association, said the players he represents are tired of a system that only allows 12 of 32 teams to participate in the post season.

“While fewer than 40 percent of NFL franchises get to participate in the playoff experience, more than half of the 120 NCAA Division 1-A* teams get a shot at the postseason,” Upshaw said. “And that’s not fair.”

Upshaw said players come to him every week with concerns about motivation, and a better chance for postseason play would be a big motivator for them.

“It’s more than just a game for the players,” Upshaw said. “Well, it’s just a game, but for some of the players, getting paid millions of dollars to play a game just isn’t enough.”

“How’s a Dolphin, Falcon or Raider supposed to get through the last few games of the season, knowing there’s no hope for a glamorous week-long trip to El Paso, Boise or Mobile in his future?”

Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Troy Williamson said he supports the idea of switching the postseason to a bowl format.

“Things just seem to work too well in the current system,” Williamson said. “College football gets so much attention with their system, so I think it’s definitely something we need to look at.”

A former Silver Bluff and USC standout, Williamson said he misses the end of year trip.

“Everyone says pro football players do it for the money, but I do it for the little perks like free travel, bowl gifts and trips to theme parks,” Williamson said. “Money can’t buy that.”

NFL owners are a little more divided on the issue, with the regular playoff teams opposing the move and perennial bottom-feeders encouraging the league to take a look at the proposal.

Note: Obviously, this is completely fake. At least, I sincerely hope that nobody in the NFL is considering such a move. It would be insane.

*Yeah, I said it. And I’ll say it again: NCAA Division 1-A. I can’t stand the new “Everyone’s Equal” acronyms they use now. FBS? FCS? Whatever, I say what I want.

FORTUNE Magazine declares Augusta media innovative marketers of the year

Fortune Magazine’s January issue hit newsstands with some big news for area advertising professionals.

Augusta’s local television advertising industry is being recognized for its innovative approach to marketing vehicles and pawn services.

In the announcement, FORTUNE Magazine editor at large Patricia Sellers declares Augusta’s “pimp, ho and rap” marketing strategy to be the worldwide trend of the future.

“Much like the man in the car commercial said ‘selection like this don’t happen often,’ “Sellers said, “innovative marketing like these commercials doesn’t come along very often.

“We are proud to bestow this honor on advertisers that clearly know what it takes to get their message across, in an era where audiences are getting more and more difficult to reach.”

Augusta Ad Federation President Scott Giboney said he was surprised to hear the area received the recognition, especially when he found out which commercials were honored.

“Our annual Addy Awards recognize the hard work and dedication of Augusta’s advertising professionals,” Giboney said, “but I didn’t expect the individuals involved with these commercials to be recognized.”

Giboney said he doesn’t mind some of what he sees, but questions the use of pimp imagery for the purpose of selling cars.

“In fairness, I’m a big fan of the United Loan and Firearms commercials. That guy’s awesome,” Giboney said. “But women have been posing in front of cars for decades, and I don’t think the questionably-dressed man in the commercial is necessarily the right way to market vehicles.

“It’s in poor taste at best and downright offensive at worst.”

Evans resident Alicia Davidson said she doesn’t like the direction things are headed.

“I’m already afraid to turn on the television during election season,” Davidson said, “now I’m looking at a future where commercials featuring rap music and pimps will be the rule rather than the exception.”

Note: This column is in no way an attempt to reflect reality or provide reasonable commentary. And no, FORTUNE Magazine didn't really do this, and Mr. Giboney didn't provide this commentary, and I outright made up Alicia Davidson. Satire is what it is.

 

SEE THE VIDEO

Augusta Express Commercial:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=s19GKC4s9d4

United Loan and Firearms Commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXR-y1RxVk4

Father Time elects to skip 2008

When you woke up on January 1, you were probably surprised to see all the 2009 calendars in the stores and absolutely no election coverage in the news.

In an unprecedented move, Father Time announced his decision to skip 2008 entirely and move forward to 2009.

Apparently, the mythical figure is very real, and very powerful.

Though Time was unavailable for an interview on his decision, a press release said he had several reasons for the decision.

“Frankly, we spent the last few months of 2007 getting tired of political ads, so I thought it couldn’t hurt to avoid them entirely by skipping the election year,” Time said.

Incidentally, the 2008 presidential election was won by Janet Reno, who capped off an 11^th hour declaration of candidacy with a successful write-in campaign garnering over 52,000,000 votes. America is now bracing itself for four more years of “Reno Time.”

Time also mentioned the New England Patriots, ‘celebrities the world over’ and the return of boy bands as additional reasons for the decision.

“Of course, the Patriots won the Super Bowl again, and everyone’s tired of it,” Time said. “Celebrities kept getting arrested, giving their kids dumb names and making dumb movies that made Gigli look Oscar-worthy, so you didn’t miss anything.”

“The music industry’s desperate effort to return boy bands to popularity was, thankfully, a four month disaster best avoided by everyone. Consider yourself fortunate.”

Martinez resident Thomas Sanders said the rip in the space-time continuum didn’t bother him.

“At first, I thought it was Al Qaeda’s latest assault on America,” Sanders said, “but then I realized that, given the chance, I would probably skip about five of the last eight years anyways.”

"It saved me a year of changing diapers, but I did get a year older, and I just didn’t need that."

Note: Don't worry, it's really 2008. I’m just messing with your minds at this point. Happy New Year from all of us at Abuse Central.

Latest Abuse: Cynthia McKinney to run for President

Note: She’s running for real now, so I couldn’t possibly do a column discussing the idea… Or could I?

In latest news out of the Atlanta area Wednesday afternoon, former congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (photo, not photo) has formally declared herself a candidate for president of the United States.

Apparently, McKinney opened her campaign on Sunday night on her website, www.runcynthiarun.org, but it appears nobody in Atlanta noticed until Wednesday afternoon. Campaign officials wouldn’t comment on the issue, apparently because they couldn’t think of a single way to spin the three-day delay of public acknowledgement into a positive thing.

The timeline is admittedly a bit puzzling. Atlanta-area news stations first picked up the story this afternoon, but her campaign website made the official declaration Sunday night. However, news reports from Wisconsin indicate her campaigning for president in that state as early as December 11.

So this much is clear: Nobody seems to know what’s going on.

Reports indicate McKinney is one of eight candidates running for the Green Party nomination, and will base her campaign out of California, despite her status as a six-term representative of Georgia’s 4^th Congressional District. It seems catering to her base is not on the agenda.

McKinney claims she will campaign “in all 51 states, including the District of Columbia.” Exhaustive research by the News Abuser’s crack staff of geographers, historians and second graders has come to the conclusion that the District of Columbia is not, in fact, a state.

Campaign representatives would not confirm plans to continue off the beaten path for tour stops in Guam, Puerto Rico, American Samoa and other American possessions that are not in fact states.

Similarly, answers were not provided on the technicality that Virginia, Pennsylvania, Kentucky and Massachusetts are officially considered commonwealths.

More coverage of this late breaking story would be forthcoming, but I’m tired. Probably not the satire you're used to, but I'm out of ideas this week and this story surprised me, so I ran with it. If you want to know more, read the real news. Honestly, I have nothing against McKinney, I just doubt her past political history will position her for a run at the White House.

Holiday spending beginning to exceed annual income

In a frightening and sad tale of the complete fiscal irresponsibility of Americans during the holiday season, results of a new poll put out by Augusta State University indicate some area consumers are now spending their entire annual incomes during the holiday season.

The easy availability of credit and general abhorrence of responsibility for ones’ actions are two of the primary reasons for the problem, noted study author Professor Malcolm Ross.

“Every year it seems American consumers take steps to a greater level of irresponsible spending,” Ross said. “Previous generations of consumers would go with a simple holiday season or one that fit within the family budget.

“In recent years, however, the trend has gone from careful spending to stretching the budget to a complete disregard for fiscal responsibility.”

On the issue of credit, Ross said he is enjoying watching the big financial firms struggle under the weight of billions of dollars of write-offs as they pay for their mistakes.

“Before the home mortgage crisis, the banks were preparing new adjustable rate holiday financial products with credit lines of up to five times the value of the home securing the loan,” Ross said. “They were going to throw in a free t-shirt, and you wouldn’t even have to bring in paperwork proving you owned a home.”

“Now they’re realizing you can’t just allow people to borrow endless amounts of money under terms they can’t possibly afford.”

Augusta Mall shopper Janet Boyd was insulted by the implication that she did not have a plan for her holiday spending.

“I have a budget of about $30,000 for the holidays this year,” Boyd said, “and on an annual income of nearly $36,000, I think I’m being very responsible.

“With rising gas prices and our kids wanting laptops and iPods, things are just getting more expensive. What other choice do we have?”

When Ross suggested the idea of careful spending or saying ‘no’ to her children, the scene turned ugly, and the results cannot be printed in a family publication.

Fortunately, this is not a family publication. She dropped a torrent of obscenities and rained blows down on his head until he was down for the count.

“That’ll teach him to offer me financial advice,” Boyd said.

Note: The News Abuser does not condone violence or fiscal irresponsibility in any way; it’s actually one of his biggest pet peeves. None of the above commentary is real or legitimate; apparently I wasn’t “too legit to quit.”

NFL Network acquires broadcast rights to top shows

In a bid that appears designed to anger everyone else who doesn’t already despise the NFL Network, the cable network has announced it has acquired the rights to some of the hottest properties in television.

NFL Network President and CEO Steve Bornstein announced Tuesday morning that the network had acquired the rights to American Idol, Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy and The Simpsons in a bid to expand its offerings.

“After we got away with acquiring college football bowl games and other non-NFL content, we knew anything was possible,” Bornstein said. “The best part is, the networks are paying us billions of dollars a year for a few football games, and we’re using their money to stab them in the back.”

Plans to acquire rerun rights to Gilligan’s Island, Happy Days and M*A*S*H are in the works. Network officials would not comment on the apparent trend of the network to cover less and less football until it eventually goes the route of MTV and abandons relevant content entirely.

NFL Network, which is carried by only two of the top eight cable distributors, has drawn widespread criticism for carrying occasional major sporting events that are inaccessible for the overwhelming majority of the American viewing public.

Network officials want the programming to be available on basic cable, but cable providers do not want to pay the extra fees for a network that hosts only a few significant broadcast events a year.

Note: None of the above jibba jabba about acquiring mainstream television programming is true, but Bornstein is actually the leader of NFL Network. And yes, you can assume I’m still angry about not being able to see the Cowboys play the Packers last Thursday. This little non-local bonus rant is courtesy of the News Abuser.