Yes, women do like dating jerks and here's why

I haven’t done much blogging lately and I am sure that the world has been a darker place because of it. It’s not that I don’t like it because honestly I do, but it is hard to find time to write when you have a REAL job that takes up most of your time. And once you fall a few weeks behind it is hard to get back into the swing of things.

That was my situation, until I read this dating column on Yahoo.com. Their She Says vs. He Says pieces offer two different perspective on the issue of women dating jerks. I happen to be in one of my extra bitter modes because of a bad experience with a member of the female species so I felt compelled to read and then bash it. That was my plan but the writers made some valid points so I can’t totally rip the column to shreds.

The fact of the matter is that women date jerks, a lot. It falls under my 99% rule. There are only two things in life that are 100% certain but there are many things that are 90 to 99%. Cats chase mice. Dogs case cats, NBA players date white women. And women date, sleep with and/or marry jerks. I didn’t make those rules I just observe them.

Asking why women date jerks is like asking for the true meaning of life. Everyone has an opinion on it and to be honest, I don’t think there is one correct answer.

In my opinion, jerks have two things going for them that help them get women: mystery and packaging. Individually, they are good weapons. Combine them and you have a dating arsenal that is almost impossible to withstand. Let’s look at each one.

Jerks are mysterious before and after you find out that they are jerks. They are like ninjas; they can mask themselves and blend in so well that you never really know what they are up to. And by the time you find out that they are jerks it is too late, because they have done their damage.

As much as I hate to say this jerks usually have great packaging. They are some combination of tall, muscular, handsome, rich, talented and/or well-endowed. This causes women to miss jerky-like behavior.

If you are a tall basketball player, a buff football player, a rich doctor, a guy that can sing or a guy who is great in bed you have a free “be a jerk” pass. And you know what; it is your right to use it. I would kill for one so I can’t fault you for using yours.

I can’t speak for all nice guys but I have been one all my life and can tell you I’m not really mysterious and my packaging ain’t all that great. You aren’t getting a troubled soul or an enigmatic rebel. You are getting a less than attractive guy that will treat you right. Sorry, but that’s it. Most nice guys (like me) are just that… nice. And that is not what gets noticed. It’s a sad but true fact.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that women all over the world should be falling at my feet because I am admittedly not relationship material. I have enough mental and emotional baggage to fill a C-5 cargo plane. However there are plenty of nice guys out there with no issues and no faults other than being too nice that aren’t getting a second look.

Nice guys go out and are themselves and if a woman comes along, so be it. Jerks go out and target women like a lion hunting a gazelle.

Jason Ryan Dorsey’s statement about nice guys wanting to be jerks is right. I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to be one but it just doesn’t work. I guess you have to be born with a jerk gene. Even when I think I have it down pat it doesn’t work because everyone around knows me as “100 Proof Nice” so they know that “100 Proof Jerk” is just a charade. I honestly think the only way I could pull it off is to move to a new city and start from scratch. And I’ll bet you any amount of money that I would have a date every night.

Trust me ladies jerks don’t just mess up your lives they screw it up for nice guys, too. Since they usually have multiple women they are thinning out the dating pool. When us nice guys are lucky enough to get a woman, we have to be on guard for incoming jerks because you all will leave us in a heartbeat if one approaches. And when the jerk breaks your heart, we will either hear about or be punished for it if we try to date you in the future. Being the nice guy and getting punished for all the crap the jerk you dated before us did to you is no fun.

So why do women date jerks? The same reason people climb mountains and explore the oceans. Because they are there. Jerks mess them up, nice guys clean up the mess, and then they repeat the process.

As long as they exist, women will date them and nice guys will suffer for it.

Email: channing100proof@gmail.com

Hell needs a bureaucracy

You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that the world is a messed up place right now. We are faced with evils like the war in Iraq, the 2008 Presidential race, the Darfur conflict, global warming and Pacman Jones.

Since there are so many bad things going on right now I am thinking that the Devil might have his hands full. I know he is the ruler of all evil but everybody needs help sometimes. Keeping George Bush in office and the Cincinnati Bengals out of jail is a tough job for anyone.

The Devil is probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of all this stress. And since we need a little badness in the world to maintain the balance of good and evil we can’t afford for him to take any sick days.

In order to lighten his load I am proposing that the Underworld create some new positions and fill them with qualified, evil people. It’s time to turn Hell into Hell Incorporated.

V.P. of Torture: This is Hell’s bread and butter. People are sent there to be tortured and it’s not a nice job but someone has to do it. This position requires a creative mind, so artsy types should definitely apply. Hell needs a person that can come up with new and innovative ways to make people suffer. Flogging and pits of fire are OK but they need someone to think outside the box and take punishment to a whole new level. How about an eternity of listening to Al Gore and John Kerry debate each other? Or being trapped in an elevator with Paris Hilton and Geraldo Rivera? Hell needs new ways to make people suffer and the VP of Torture will make sure that it is done with style.

Two of my friends JungleGoddess and Fred, would be great at this.

V.P. of Earth Entertainment: This job requires frequent travel to the land of the living so if you don’t like commuting don’t even bother applying. The V.P.E.E. will work with some of the world’s biggest entertainers, writers and make sure that their careers are going down the right path. It offers a lot of variety. One day you are convincing J.K. Rowling to write another evil, satanic, witchcraft promoting Harry Potter book. The next you are meeting with Tom Hanks to discuss plans for a sequel to The Da Vinci Code.

V.P. of Underworld Entertainment: This is probably the most exciting position in the company. Way back in my college days, I had a discussion with some friends about entertainers and we came to the conclusion that several of them would end up in Hell. One of my friends even went as far as to say, “Hell is gonna have a concert and I’ll be d*#ned if I’m gonna miss it.” There are going to be some great acts in Hell and it is going to take a talented person to work with them.

You will have rap artists like NWA, Notorious B.I.G. and Tu-Pac. Singers like the old fat Elvis, Young James Brown (the Sex Machine years) and the entire Rat Pack will also be on the card. Let not forget rock acts like Kiss, Ozzy Osborn and Marylyn Manson.

Future performers include Marylyn Manson, R. Kelly, KISS, Michael Jackson and maybe his sister Janet. And the party would be complete without Britney Spears and Christina Aguleria (the Dirrty version).

V.P. of Web Development: This person has two main objectives.

1. Maintain the entire Internet: Few people know that the Internet was developed in Hell and it is one of their greatest successes. Your job will be to keep it filled with content that is pornographic, attacks religion, promotes homosexuality or encourages free thought.
2. Build Hell.com, the official website of the underworld: Hell’s website really needs an update so that they can reach a younger audience. So they need online tools like webmail, personalized homepages and mapping software (Hell is a big place). You will also be responsible for developing a filter that keeps the junk out of our inboxes. Satan might be the embodiment of all things evil but he had nothing to do with Spam emails. He hates that crap just as much as we do.

V.P. of Homosexual Affairs: Because gay marriage has become such a big issue over the last few years hell should probably dedicate someone to it full. The V.P.H.A. will make sure that the Gay Agenda is promoted. And since no one really knows what the Gay Agenda is it will be your job to create it. You work closely with the V.P. of Entertainment to get more shows like Will and Grace, The L Word, Ellen, and Queer as Folk on the air.

V.P. of Political Affairs: This position is a no-brainer. Someone has to responsible for all the lies, llegal activities and sexually deviant behavior that goes on in the world of politics.

V.P. of Marketing: This could quite possible be the easiest job in Hell. All you have to do is make it seem like a great place. Let’s be honest, most of the fun people in the world are currently or will soon be there so most of your work is already done. I mentioned some of the musical acts earlier and just think of all the actors, sports stars and politicians that will be there with them. According to most beliefs, Hell will be full of drinkers (Ron White, Dean Martin), fornicators (Pamela Anderson, Hugh Hefner), cursers (Richard Pryor, Chris Rock), liars (every politician EVER) and just generally dumb people (Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Michael and Marcus Vick). I have to be honest, with the exception of the last four people, that sounds like the best frat party ever. The VP of Marketing will promote Hell as being more than a place for eternal damnation.

A bureaucracy modeled after our government or several major companies would make Hell even more hellish. It will be like the DMV on steroids, the Augusta Commission on crack or Washington, DC on acid.

If you think you qualify for any of these positions (or if you know someone who does), applications are available in Hell’s HR department or apply online at ReallyHotJobs.com.

Racists need love too

In one of my first blog entries I wrote that racism is here to stay. I got a little bit of heat for saying it but it had to be said. Now, after talking to my friend JungleGoddess, (real name hidden to protect the innocent) we have decided that since it will always be here, we might as well profit from it.

We are going to start a dating site for racists. Before you laugh think about this, niche dating sites are becoming popular. If you are Jewish and want some romance you can visit jdate.com. If you are African-American and looking for amore you can go to blacksinglesconnection.com. Wanna be Latin lovers have latinamericancupid.com. Where do racists go when they are looking for that someone special?

With any luck they will come to our site, tentatively called myownkind.com.

Racists alone are an untapped market. Hell, we will make a fortune on local sign ups alone. If there is one thing I have learned about Augusta in my 6 years here, it is that the city is full of racists, black and white. To say that Augusta has a racial divide is a gross understatement. Before you all respond with the typical "if you don't like Augusta then leave" comments, let me say that I actually like the city. I just think race relations are not one of its strong points.

I should also note that even though I say it is for racists, our site will be for anyone that hates any group of people for almost any reason. We are equal opportunity exploiters. Do you think blacks are thugs and should be sent back to Africa? To you feel that Mexicans are only here to take our jobs? Think that Jews are greedy people that control all the world finances? Do you believe that gays are the single biggest threat to humanity? Or maybe you buy into the popular notion that all Muslims are terrorists and should be arrested or shot on site. It doesn't matter if you are a xenophobe, racist, homophobe, anti-Semite or something else. If you are a bigot we will find you a date.

Maybe we should change the name of the site to bigotlove.com.

We will have questions like:

On a scale of 1-10 how much do you hate the follow groups of people?

• Whites
• Blacks
• Arabs
• Mexicans
• Gays
• Jews
• Christians
• Muslims
• Non-Christians
• Non-Muslims

If you had the power to perfrom one of these tasks, which one would you pick?

• End affirmative action
• Arrest all white people
• Deport all illegal aliens
• Nuke all Muslim countries
• Make Christianity the official US religion
• Ban gay marriage

Based on your answers to those questions we would match you up withsomeone who hates the same things you do.

This site would also help non-bigots. Right now they are in the same dating pool as the rest of us and that creates problems. Ladies wouldn't you hate to start dating a guy and later find out that he is a neo-Nazi? Guys let's say you meet a woman that you think is Mrs. Right and after months of dating you find out that she is a racist hates your best friend Darrin because he is black? Our site will help put an end to all that.

By giving bigots their own site to find love, we can make sure that they are only pair up with other bigots. It's one less skeleton that you will have to worry about finding in your loved ones closet.

Also this could help reduce the number of them in the long run. I would like to believe that non-bigots out number the full fledged ones. With any luck there will eventually be a shortage and their numbers will be thinned out by inbreeding (or as they might it call "keeping the race pure").

So if your heart is filled with hate but you are still looking for love, be sure to check out myownkind.com. The one site where you can find love, contain bigotry and make us rich all at the same time.

Let's take the hate and turn it into something positive, money.

"Uncle Hugh" celebrates 81 years of fun

If you know me then you know there is no way I was going to let this day end without wishing a Happy Birthday to my role model, Hugh Marston Hefner, "Hef" to his friends. Today Hefner celebrates 81 years of being "America’s Cool Uncle".

There is really nothing I can say about Hefner that I haven't already said. He is best known for being the face of the sexual revolution but his legacy goes far beyond that.

So happy birthday to Uncle Hef, supporter of up and coming writers, civil rights advocate, defender of the first amendment, connoisseur of beautiful women and the biggest Playboy of all.

Bonus: Hugh Hefner Trivia

Email: channing100proof@gmail.com

Immediate opening for a new future Mrs. Channing 100-Proof

Today is a sad day. A perennial member of the Future Mrs. Channing 100-Proof Club must be dismissed. Sadly I must say goodbye to Salma Hayek.

Hayek has always been in the top three. She has beauty, brains, talent and I love her accent. I just knew she was going to become Salma Hayek-100-Proof. Then I got the news that changed everything.

Hayek is now engaged to businessman Francois-Henri Pinault and is pregnant with their first child. So not only is she getting married but the dude has already knocked her up. It's just not right. I applaud Pinault for putting a bun in her oven but I can't help but think, "Why couldn't it have been me?"

Even though I don't like marriage, I do respect it so I am going to remove Hayek from my list of future wives. That means that there is now an opening. So ladies, if you think you have what it take to be the future Mrs. Channing 100-Proof, here is your chance to prove it.

Here are the basic qualifications:

* Must be between the ages of 18 and 40
* You don't have to be a rocket scientist but you need to be able to carry on a decent conversation
* A slightly off beat sense of humor is a requirement
* I have a lot of female friends so trust is a must, jealous women need not apply
* Back and neck massaging skills would be appreciated

If you fit the above requirements please feel free to submit your resume. With a little luck you could join an elite group that includes women like Christina Aguilera, Alicia Keys, Jessica Alba, Halle Berry, Mariah Carey, Jenna Von Oy, and Jessica Simpson.

You too can be one of the few, the proud, the Future Mrs. Channing 100-Proof.

A tale of two pimps

The word pimp has many different uses. If you don't believe me, check out m-w.com, urbandictionary.com, dictionary.com, or wikipedia. Most people associate the word with prostitution but it can also describe flamboyant people or things. You can pimp your ride to make it stand out. Physicians can pimp medical students by asking them a series of difficult questions.

Some use it when referring to men who are popular with the ladies. (And women who are popular with men.) I personally know people that use the word to refer to someone that has complete and total domination over another. For example, when he was with the Bulls Chicago Bulls Michael Jordan was the pimp of the NBA. Currently, Roger Federer is the pimp of men's tennis.

Today we are going to look at two men that could easily be called pimp.

Pimp up

Charles Larke is a pimp with a capital "P". He went from close to being fired, to being investigated for giving improper loans, to negotiating a new deal, to getting the school board to sign his new contract without even reading it.

Now it is being reported that he is still getting paid even though he has done very little work as a "consultant" for the school board.

This man should change his name to Bishop Laid Back Larke or King Charles. Three 6 Mafia's It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp should be his cell phone ring tone. His entire wardrobe should consist of fur coats, alligator shoes and matching hats. He needs to buy an old Cadillac el Dorado>, park it outside of the school board office and blast Jay-Z's Big Pimpin' while backhanding everyone that walks out of the building.

Larke is a pimp because he seems to have complete control over the school board. He is the Roger Federer of the Board of Education. It is his world; they are just living in it.

You can complain until the cows come home but you still better have his money.

Pimp Down

It is with a heavy heart when I tell you that one of the biggest pimps in the world is about to retire. Reports are circulating that Hugh Marston Hefner, Mr. Playboy Magazine himself, is going to marry Holly Madison, a Playboy Model and one of his three girlfriends. He has been married twice before so hopefully the third time will be the charm.

My respect for Mr. Hefner, a.k.a. Hef, is no big secret. I mentioned in a previous blog that I admire him for more than just his work with Playboy. He is an advocate for Civil Rights and is a strong supporter of the First Amendment. The fact that he is rich, parties with models, drinks and lives in a mansion is just icing on the cake.

Hefner is a pimp because he is popular with the ladies. There must be something about an 80-year-old man who can party like a college student. He sees more naked women in a day than I have seen in my almost 30 years of living. And that's not counting the women that a posing for his magazine.

He makes being single look good. Anytime I feel bad about not having a special someone in my life, I can just look at Hef and be reminded that being single isn't that bad.

Getting married won't diminish the respect that I have for him but it will make me a little sad. A pimping legend is calling it quits so put on your smoking jackets and pour out a little Cognac.

A stripper named Luscious (not what you think)

Ok, I am not an expert on male strippers and I don't plan on becoming one but I heard an ad on the radio that made me wonder what some of those dudes are doing.

Apparently some of these 'entertainers' are coming to Augusta. They all have your typical male stripper names like Python, Anaconda, and Jack Hammer. Those all make sense but there is also one called "Luscious". This guy must have been the last one in line at the Stripper Academy when they were assigning stage names.

Luscious is not a name for a male stripper is the name of a female porn star or Paris Hilton's dog.

This name is confusing because if most guys hear that someone named Luscious is performing in their town, they will probably think it is a woman. This could cause problems.

Luscious, if you are reading this I am going to suggest a few possible alternatives for you.

• Spyderman
• The Human Tripod
• Bazooka Joe
• Rocket man
• Dirty Dancer

If none of these work for you, I encourage you to pick your own. Just don't use "Night Train" or "Juggernaut" those are mine. :)

Valentine's Day Massacre Part 2: Survival Guide

In case you haven't heard, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. If you are single and not looking forward to it, here are a few tips that might help you survive.

• Take the day off – Call in sick. There are people that like to send their significant others Valentines Day gifts while they are at work. You don't want to be around when this happens because you will want to choke the giver and the receiver of said gift(s). Spare yourself and your coworkers the pain, take the day off and relax at home.

• Visit a "grown persons club" – I will be as politically correct as possible here. Go to a club that features people dancing in various states of undress. Male, female or both whatever you are into. Remind yourself that you don't need to be in a relationship to see naked people.

• Drink – Yes, I know that alcohol is a depressant and drinking it while you are already down could make you feel even worse but desperate times call for desperate measures. Take it from a pro, a little moderate drinking (heavy drinking if you are a professional) on Valentines Day is a good thing. I recommend non-romantic drinks, stick to hard liquor and beer. I have a whiskey, Cognac, and rum ready and waiting to get me through the day. I don't condone drinking and driving so when you lush out, be sure to do it at home.

• Watch Cheaters – It is too late for you to order the DVD boxed set but you can always check out some of their greatest hits on YouTube. You may be single and bitter but at least you are as bad as some of the people on this show.

Good night and good luck.

My pick for the official Valentine's Day song

Every holiday - even the ones I hate - should have an official song. I don't know what governing body is in charge of such decisions but I am recommending that this song (Happy Valentine's Day by Outkast) and the video below be used to promote the day.

Maybe then more bitter people will start to like it.

Valentine's Day Massacre Part 1: What NOT to do

A word of warning, if you are looking for some "good" Valentine's Day material read my previous Valentine's Day Gift Guides for men and women or for something more recent check out Sonia's "Is this romance to you?" entry.

I don't blog much but if you have read my previous works, you know that I am not a big fan on Valentines Day. Back in my young and romantic days I loved it but a several years of a less than spectacular love life (i.e. a pathetic love life) changed all that. I used to be a hopeless romantic but now I am just hopeless.

One of the few things about this time of year that I still like is the advice that all the "experts" give out. Everyone with "Dr." in front of their name is offering their two cents on how to get through Valentine's Day.

One of my favorites comes from Dr. Laura Berman. In the blog, published on yahoo.com, Dr. Berman offers up advice for single people on this most evil of holidays. I read the good doctors tips and I must respectfully disagree with some of them. I think her advice was geared toward woman but I am going to tackle it from the male and female perspective. Here are her suggestions and my reasons why they won't work.

Take charge. If you've had your eye on someone, or you've been engaging in some heavy yet indirect flirtation, make the move.

Valentine's Day is the worst day to make a first move on anyone. First of all it's cliché. This is not some 1980's teen love story so it won't work. If you believe it will then you also believe that a complete geek can beat an all-star athlete after only 2 days of training.

Berman also recommends sending an email or text message if you are too scared to do it in person. If you are going to go that route, you might as send them a note that says "Do you like me? Circle Yes or No." Besides, if you do that and fail, there will be a record of it for all to see. And if you try this from a work computer you are doubly screwed. Do you really want the guys in IT to know that you tried to make a move on Mary in Accounting?

Send flowers to yourself. ... Spend the money you would spend on a honey on a beautiful arrangement for yourself. Personally, I have never been a fan of the give yourself a gift theory but if you do it, don't take this approach. Flowers die and they leave mess. Spend the money on something that will either last a while (digital camera, new outfit, video games) or relax your mind and body (trip to a spa or strip club).

Babysit a friend's kids. It's good karma to allow two others a shot at Valentine's Day bliss. Plus, a night with the kids just might restore a sense of appreciation for the single life!

Hell no! I like kids but I am not about to spend Valentine's Day stuck with them. Especially if they are not mine. Let your friends hire a babysitter to watch their youngins'. It helps the economy and gives some kid valuable work experience.

Make a cake. From scratch -- frosting and all. It's fun to create something from start to finish and then you get to eat it.

I want to say that sitting around baking and eating cake is probably not the best way to spend Valentine's Day. However I plan on starting and finishing a bottle of Cognac that day so I probably have no room to complain.

I guess the male equivalent of this is finishing a game of Grand Theft Auto or winning the Superbowl in Madden NFL 07.

Broaden your sense of love. From your family to your friends to your lovers of times past, focus on how lucky you are for all of the love in your life.

I see where she is going with this one but it doesn't work. The love of family and friends is very important but that is not really the kind of love that I associate with Valentine's Day. The days of giving Valentine's Day gifts and wishes to your friends stopped in middle school. And if you think about lovers of times past the memories probably won't end that well. Think about it, there is probably a reason that they are not current lovers.

Besides, if you are like me you can recall your past loves in the time it takes to microwave a Hot Pocket. 

Here is the bottom line. If you are alone this Valentine's Day don't feel like you HAVE to do something special. There is no need for unusual pampering and you don't have to go on a journey of self-reflection. Despite what you see on TV, hear on the radio, and read online it is just another day. So treat it like one. No gimmicks required.

However, if you are single and female and just feel the need to do something special feel free to swing by my place for some cognac and conversation.

The Final Kicks of 2006

Now the we are 2 weeks into the new year, let's look back at 2006 and hand out a few final kicks to the throat.

Politics (National): President George Bush was a front runner for this award and it is easy to see why. His combination of gung-ho attitude, stubbornness and questionable intelligence make him a strong choice. Representative William Jefferson was in the running after an FBI raid to seize evidence in a corruption probe revealed $90,000 in his freezer. I was also tempted to put Vice President Cheney here for his "I thought my friend was a quail so I shot him incident".

Both are deserving candidates but I think the winner has to be former U.S. Representative Mark Foley. Foley resigned from Congress after it was discovered that he sent sexually explicit messages to a Capital Hill page, a TEENAGE Capital Hill page.

Oddly enough, Foley was the key authors of a reform package that included tougher penalties for pedophiles who target children online. Maybe sending freaky text messages to a teenage boy was his way of "researching" sexual predators. To truly understand them he had to become one. Foley is a modern day Dian Fossey.

My other reason for bestowing this honor on Foley is that he listed alcoholism as one of his reasons for doing it. He and Mel Gibson are making professional drinkers like me look bad. As I mentioned in a previous blog, drinking doesn't bring out anything that wasn't already there. When I go to a bar, I am looking to meet women. Alcohol does NOT change that game plan.

Foley gets a 3 Ninjas style Kick in the Throat. My only hope is that he doesn't like it.

Politics (State/Local): The Richmond County School Board deserves a big one for the way they handled the Charles Larke situation. Anyone that would approve a contract without reading it needs to be Kicked in the Throat several times. In almost any other city they would be the hands down winner but this is not any other city, this is Augusta, GA.

The Augusta Commission has once again earned Kick in the Throat honors. Last year was a banner one for them when it came to bizarre choices, infighting, misuse of funds and questionable deals.

The commission started 2006 with the usual infighting and voting along racial lines. Their travel budget and a trip that some commissioners took to Reno, Nevada caused more than a few problems. Their decision to get into the drag strip business (even though very few people wanted one) was probably one of their more memorable missteps. That brilliant idea was directly related to Commissioner Marion Williams' possible involvement in his son-in-law's questionable land deal.

These people have messed up so much they deserve an extra special kick. Since there are some many of them we will need to bring out the big guns. Each member of the Augusta Commission gets a Chuck Norris Walker Texas Ranger style Kick in the Throat. (watch the video below to see what I mean)

Forget giving them the honor. I think we should NAME it after them. How does "The Augusta Commission Political Kick in the Throat Award" sound?

International Throat Kicks: Kim Jong-il. Ok you have nukes, we get it.

I think the guy suffers from a Napoleon complex. It's like he wants to prove to the U.S. that he deserves a seat at the big table. He is waving nuclear bombs in President Bush's face and asking to be invaded. However, since North Korea doesn't have a motherload of oil under its soil it is probably not going to happen.

He is giving short dudes a bad reputation. I'm short and bitter too, but I am not out trying to start wars.

That is reason enough to award our favorite North Korean leader the International Kick in the Throat Award. Steven Seagal will personally deliver his prize.

Miscellaneous (State and Local): This is another category that has several strong contenders. Ryan B., Austin Rhodes, and Charles "Champ" Walker Jr. are no brainers but I want to go outside the box for this pick.

I think the members of the Richmond County Board of Zoning need a WWE "big boot" style Kick in the Throat. Back in February the group denied a height variance request to a development group looking to build an eight story condominium complex in the National Hills area across from the Augusta National.

Heaven forbid they approve something that would bring a nice, upscale facility to the area. It's not like we needed the jobs (temporary and permanent) that it could have created.

In the board's defense, the development group said they will likely develop a new plan that won't need a variance so maybe this decision won't come back to haunt them.

Miscellaneous (National): This category offers several nominees. Both O.J Simpson and Ann Coulter need to be kicked early and often. Author James Frey was dumb enough to lie on The Oprah Winfrey Show and think he wouldn't get caught. All of them are worthy of the prize, but the award has to go to a woman that upset more than I thought possible.

I am not a fan of violence against females but the woman that accused three Duke Lacrosse players of rape needs to be kicked into another time zone. Like most of America, I was 100% behind her when the charges were announced. However, as the more details came out rape, and her story continued to change I started to think it was all a big lie.

This women needs to be confronted and beaten by as many real rape victims as possible. Maybe they can set her straight. And since some throat kicking must occur and I would love for Michelle Yeoh, one of the stars of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, to be the one doing it.

That concludes the 2006 Kick in the Throat Awards. I hope the pain that is inflicted on the winners encourages them to try and do better in 2007.

Sports stars that need good swift kick in the throat

My New Year's Eve was a bad news, good news situation.

The bad news: I was too sick to go out so I spent the night on my sofa. That's right, I spent New Year's Eve sick AND sober.

The good news: Since I couldn't go anywhere I had time to work on my latest blog.

Here are the nominees for the 2006 Kick in the Throat sports award.

Maurice Claret: In January 2006, the former Ohio State football star was charged with robbing two people at gunpoint. He was arrested again after a highway chase that ended with finding four loaded guns and a half-full bottle of vodka in his vehicle.

He has wasted so much talent it not even funny. It seems like only yesterday this guy was an NFL superstar in the making. I would love to make some jokes here but this just too sad to be funny.

Eddie Griffin: The Minnesota Timberwolves' forward crashed his SUV into a parked car outside a Minneapolis store. Griffin was allegedly drunk at the time. According to a witness, he was also was masturbating to a pornographic DVD playing on a dashboard-mounted screen.

This is a 'touchy' subject so I will try to handle it as delicately as possible.

If you are an NBA player and you have been drinking, hire a driver to take you home. It's worth it and it won't hurt you wallet.

If you want to watch porn in your vehicle make sure it is parked and the windows are tinted.

Griffin is not a “star” by any stretch of the imagination but he is still in the NBA. That means he has groupies. There is absolutely no reason for him to be doing this when there are probably hundreds of women in the Minneapolis/St. Paul that would sleep with him.

Just another reason for me to hate tall men.

Keith Hernandez: After seeing the San Diego Padres' female massage therapist in the team dugout during a game, Hernandez, a New York Mets broadcaster said, "I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout."

Here is the sad part; I am willing to bet that Hernandez is still more popular with the ladies than I am.

Marcus Vick: The former Virginia Tech quarterback was kicked off the team for stomping on the leg of another player during the Gator Bowl. Two days later, he was arrested and charged after allegedly pointing a gun at three people in a McDonald's parking lot. That seems like a lot but Vick still had one more idiot card to play.

A 17-year-old girl sued Marcus Vick for $6.3 million. “Why?” you ask. She claimed that Vick sexually abused her during their nearly early two-year relationship, persuaded her to have a three-way with Vick and another man and assured her that sex between an adult and a "child of her age" was acceptable. Wow, I couldn't make that stuff up if I wanted to.

Vick is another waste of talent. The guy has a rocket launcher for an arm and can outrun almost anyone on the field with him but he can't stop doing dumb stuff. Once again, he was a star college player that could have had a great pro career. Guys like this make me and my frail, non-athletic behind sick.

Zinedine Zidane: Even if you don't follow soccer, you know about the headbutt heard 'round the world. The headbutt was the end of his career (it was his last game before retiring) and his team's chances to win the World Cup.

And the winner is...

This is a tough call; all of these guys deserve a hard kick to the throat. I don't really care about soccer but even I understand that Zidane's actions seriously hurt his team. Hernandez came across as a male sexist pig but, let's be honest, the world is full of them. And they usually get the girls anyway so you can't really fault them. Maurice Claret needs more help than a Kick in the Throat can provide. He really needs to see a mental health care professional. I can recommended a great one if he is interested. That leaves us with only two choices.

On behalf of all men in the world that can get a woman, I would like to deliver a Kick in the Throat to both Eddie Griffin and Marcus Vick. However, since we have already had one tie, I am going to present the award to Marcus Vick. Vick had much more star potential so his actions cost him much more. Plus they involved a teenage girl so he was doubly stupid.

As a man who is not getting any, I hate to see athletes doing stupid stuff over sex. And, as a 98-pound weakling, I can't stand guys blessed with physical talents that I could only dream of wasting them.

Marcus Vick is getting a Chun-Li Street Fighter style Kick in the Throat Award. I hope he chokes on a high heel.

Kick in the Throat Awards, the Entertainment Edition

Here are a couple of "famous folks" that could use a Kick in the Throat.

Kevin Federline: One of the most hated people in America, Federline would have to be considered a front runner for this award. With any luck his impending divorce from singer Britney Spears should be the end of his 15 minutes of fame.

There were rumors of him partying and spending Spears' money with reckless abandon. Also, after seemingly not caring about his two children for a previous relationship, Federline decided that he wants custody of the two kids he fathered with Spears. If you top that off with a BAD rap album you can see why he is not popular.

I'll give K-Fed this much credit, he is helping improve race relations in this county. African Americans hate him because he tries to "act black" in the worst ways possible. Whites hate him because he tries to "act back" and he ruined their sexy pop princess. Most men hate him because no matter how bad you talk about him he can say, "Yes, I am slime ball, but I slept with Britney Spears." It's hard to top that.

Mel Gibson: You have all heard the story by now, Gibson was arrested on suspicion of DUI back in July. During the arrest Gibson alleged made several anti-Semantic remarks some of which were released on a celebrity news website.

My biggest complaint about Gibson's tirade is that he blamed it on alcoholism. That is complete B.S. Drinking does not turn you into an anti-Semite. I drink, A LOT, some would say a little too much, but I have never ever got hammered and starting ranting about Jews being responsible for all the wars in the world. Any hatred he had was already there, the alcohol just cased him to slip up and reveal it.

So not only he is preaching hatred of Jews, he is ruining the good reputation of alcohol and that is an injustice that I will not tolerate.

Michael Richards: This is a surprise. Since leaving Seinfeld, Richards had been off the pop culture radar. I guess he decided to turn off his stealth mode because in November he came back in a bad (a bad) way.

Richards was video taped dropping the "N-word" more times than David Duke at a Klan rally. Most people understand that he is a comedian and lots of comedians use colorful language in their bits. The problem was that it was not part of act. Richards went a tirade that was broadcast all over the airwaves and had people shouting "racist" at the top of their lungs.

Richards gave a half-hearted apology on The Late Show with David Letterman but it was considered by many to be insincere. When that happens he brought to the big guns, a double-barreled dose of Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

This was a great move on his part because as everyone knows, ALL blacks listen to Jackson and Sharpton. So if they say that all is forgiven, blacks everywhere will welcome Richards with open opens. He will be given guest appearances on all of the CW's Monday night "urban" programs and a front row seat at the Source Awards. (Please note the sarcasm).

Richards has dug a hole so deep even Mel Gibson feels sorry for him.

O.J. Simpson: There was a time when about 50% of the country supported O.J. Simpson. That time is long gone. When Simpson was found not guilty all those years ago he should have just shut up and disappeared. Instead he kept talking while searching for the real killer on various Florida golf courses.

Simpson's most recent screw up was agreeing to do a TV special to accompany his book, If I Did It. In the book he discusses how he would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. It's was all hypothetical of course.

News Corp. canceled the plans after public pressure but the damage was done.

Britney Spears: Britney did one thing right this year, decide to divorce Kevin Federline. Other than this, this was a rough year for America's favorite pop princess. In February, was photographed driving with her infant son on her lap. Her June Dateline NBC interview made her look like a trailer trash. Her efforts to help her soon to be ex-husband's music career were unsuccessful (although I don't think Jesus could make people buy that album). Her parenting skills have come under fire. And her "girlie parts" have been flashed so many times that her OBGYN can examine her just by looking at photos on the Internet.

Hopefully Victoria's Secret will sign Spears to an advertising contract and give her a lifetime supply of undies and someone to make sure she wears them.

As you can see, there are several strong candidates but there can only be one winner. K-Fed was a front runner he hasn't really don't anything special. People don't like him because they think he is, for lack of a better word, slimy. Well there are lots of slimy guys out there. Federline is just slimy on a much larger scale. Don't get me wrong, he deserves a Kick in the Throat but maybe not as much as other people on this list.

Feet of Fury

Mel Gibson could get it for his comments and his lame alibi, but if you saw Passion of the Christ or heard any of his father's rants about the Holocaust then you should have seen this coming.

It comes down to Michael Richards and O.J. Simpson. An alleged racist verses a man who many believe killed his wife and got away with it. This is a much harder choice than you would think, so I am calling it a draw.

That's right, both Kramer and The Juice are getting a split-legged Jackie Chan style Kick in the Throat for 2006.

Feet don't fail me now.

It's time to deliver a few kicks to the throat

I haven't posted anything in a while but I had to come back for the 2nd Annual Kick Them in the Throat Awards. If you don't know what I am talking about let me give you a quick introduction.

The Kick Them in the Throat Awards, a.k.a. "The Throaties", are given to people that need some sense knocked into them. However these people are so far gone that they need more than a smack upside the head. They need to be kicked right in their throat. Because when you can't breathe, you have time to re-evaluate your life. I gave out the first ones last year and unfortunately there are still plenty more to dish out in 2006.

Here is a brief rundown of some people that could be feeling my size 12 against their windpipes.

Entertainers (singers, actors, etc.)- Tom Cruise won last year. Michael Richards, Mel Gibson, Kevin Federline are all in the running for 2006.

Sports stars - T.O. was last year's winner and he could repeat this '06.

Politics (National) - John Kerry shouldn't tell jokes and George Bush shouldn't talk at all.

Politics (State and Local) - There are so many choose from I might need to buy extra pairs of shoes. Richmond County School Board, the County Commission, and the Downtown Development Authority could all be part of a “Kick Them in the Throat" orgy.

International Throat Kicks – North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and of course Osama Bin Laden make up my “Axis of Throat Kicking".

Miscellaneous (National) - I don't advocate violence against women but Ann Coulter needs a HARD kick to the Throat.

Miscellaneous (State and Local) – The debacle that was the James Brown Soul of America Music Festival makes Charles “Champ" Walker a front-runner for this award. Radio personalities Ryan B. and Austin Rhodes are also strong contenders.

This is by no means a complete list and I would appreciate some help in adding to it. I am sure that you all know a few folks than need to be put in their place. So make you list and tell me who you think deserves a Throatie Award.

Over the next few days I will announce the official contenders. Then, after a little thought and a lot of alcohol, and will select the winners before the New Year.

Help me deliver the kicks of 2006.

2005 Kick Them in the Throat Awards Recap:

• The Introduction
• Sports Figures that needed a Kick in the Throat
• Entertainers that needed a Kick in the Throat
• The Final Kicks of 2005
  

Email: channing100proof@gmail.com

A 100 Proof television preview

I am trying to do better but for the most part, I am a home body so I watch a lot of TV. This new season is shaping up to be a good one so chances are you won't be seeing me out on the town anytime soon.

After getting knocked down hard last year, NBC looks to return to greatness. The CW hopes that two mediocre networks can combine to make a one great one. ABC hopes to find some other shows to compliment powerhouses Grey's Anatomy, Lost and Desperate Housewives. And almost every network has some type of 24 inspired drama (Vanished, Kidnapped, The Nine) on the schedule that’s guaranteed to offer a buffet of plot twists.

Here are a few new shows that have caught my eye. Some will be hits and some will vanish quicker than a Harriet Myers Supreme Court nomination but I think all of them will be entertaining.

Marathon men (The hits will keep on coming)

Monday is going to be a busy night for my VCR. Heroes and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip look good, so good they might actually interrupt my Monday Night football viewing. The key word there is "might". Heroes is about ordinary people with superpowers but it is not a comic book by any stretch of the imagination. It looks like it will be less about the powers and more about what they do with them.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip has a strong cast and a strong premise.

On Tuesdays NBC could have another winner with Friday Night Lights. It's a show about a high school football team and their lives off the field. Think the Dawson's Creek with testosterone. I don't see this show as being just "OK"; it will either be a huge success or a colossal failure. I am thinking the former.

30 Rock could have some problems on Wednesday nights. The NBC comedy's premise is similar to Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and two shows about the backstage workings of a sketch comedy show might be too much. I am a huge Tina Fey fan so I will be watching this one. Fey helped Saturday Night Live watchable again and has proven she can function well in front of and behind the cameras. Plus she is smart, funny and attractive, what more could you ask for in a star?

If Monday is a busy day for my VCR then Thursday will be the death of it. There are 5 returning shows on 3 different channels that I am interested in. We'll discuss those on a later date.

As far a new programs go, Ugly Betty is the Thursday show I am most looking forward to. I like the premise, unattractive girl trying to make it in the fashion world, and I love the executive producer, Salma Hayek.

Friday will be my off night for new TV shows. There is only one new show on the schedule, Anne Heche's Men in Trees, and to be honest it is not all that appealing to me.

Minute men (Over before you know it)

The Class probably won't survive the full season but I am going to give it a shot because I am a fan of Sean Maguire.

Twenty Good Years looks good on paper. John Lithgow and Jeffrey Tambor are good, but early reviews indicate the writing is not up to par and I find the premise to be somewhat shaky.

The Game, a comedy about football wives, girlfriends and mothers, could be the first CW causality. It is a show that could be good but probably won't be. If it makes it through the first half of the season, I will be surprised. If the show gets canceled maybe star Tia Mowery can get a job standing in for her twin sister, Tamera, on Strong
Medicine.

If you don't like any of the network shows that premier in the coming days, just wait until January. You can bet that the there will be at least 3 or 4 new ones to replace them.

And if that doesn't work there's always TV Land, Comedy Central and Sci-Fi Channel.

Survivor: The recap

Survivor: The recap

I like my reality TV in small doses. A little American Idol here. Some America's Next Top Model there. And if I am feeling really good, I'll check out the Real World. It's not that I am against it; it's just that I never caught the Reality TV Fever like most of the United States. I was probably one of the few people in the country that never watched Survivor...until tonight. That's right boys and girls; I got caught up in the hype and watched the premier of Survivor: Cook Islands.

This year's show is the 13th in the long running series and takes place on the Cook Islands in the heart of the South Pacific. The show offers a new twist this year; the tribes are divided by races.

Here is a brief rundown of some of the teams and characters:

Most fit team: First off you have the lawyer/boxer Becky. Then there is weight-lifting, volleyball playing Brad. The elder statesmen of the group is the bicycling, hiking, and sky diving Cao Boi (pronounced Cowboy). There is also Jenny, the fencing, tennis playing, belly dancing real estate agent. Finally there is the boxing, ultimate fighting lawyer Yul. The Asian team can probably beat every other team on the island. Even the "old guy" is in shape. They are obviously trying to beak the brains over brawn Asian stereotype.

Team most likely to have an orgy: The white team (Adam, Candice, Jessica, Jonathan, and JP). They cuddled up for body heat the first night and you could sense the sexual tension. I think I saw one guy rub one of the women on the behind. Pretty soon they will be making condoms out of palm tree leaves. If the huts a rockin' don't come a knockin'.

Most likely to lose: The black team. They lost the first challenge and it is easy to see why. The other teams have boxers, runners, martial artists and other athletic types. The black team has a make-up artist, a cocktail waitress/actress, a nursing student, a jazz musician and a shoe salesman.

One team member has military experience (she served in the first Gulf War), another studies kung fu and capoeira but no one else has anything in their bios that indicates athletic ability or outdoor experience.

The Hispanic team has a guy that camped from Panama to San Diego the black team has a guy that performed on the single Funkin' for Jamaica. Not exactly a fair fight.

Single greatest threat: Hispanic team member, Ozzy. According to his bio he is athletic, has wilderness survival skills and hunting/trapping experience. If half of that is true he is going to dominate this game.

Sexiest females: The Hispanic team (Billy, Cecilia, Cristina, Ozzy, and Parvati) probably has the best overall female talent. Individually, Becky, Rebecca, Candice are the tops on their respective teams.

It's too early to tell which ones will be in Playboy but odds are at least two of them will do it. A little skin can give almost anyone 15 extra minutes of fame.

Final verdict: I honestly don't know if I will watch it again. I am not a Survivor fan and there are two many other shows scheduled for Thursdays that I would like to see. The racial element brings a unique twist but it is not enough to keep me hooked.

In the end, race won't determine the winner. Sneakiness will. There will be people on each team trying to screw people over for the love of money. Greed is one thing that all races have in common.

Devil's Advocate: James Brown Arena

It's been a while but the 100 Proof Wonder is back to blogging. There was a story last month that caught my eye and after seeing the public opinion of it I knew it was something I wanted to discuss.

On Tuesday, August 22, the Coliseum Authority voted to rename the civic center. The venue will now be known as "James Brown Arena". Now if you know anything about Brown's history in the Augusta area, you know that this decision is not setting well with some people.

Brown has had his share of personal and legal problems. In 1998 he was arrested on drug and gun charges. His 2004 arrest and domestic abuse charge produced the mug shot seen around the world. He performed at the Civic Center back in 2000 but the show only sold 1,700 tickets.

The Augusta Chronicle ran a poll in August seeking the public's opinion on this issue. The question was, "Do you agree with the Augusta-Richmond County Coliseum Authority's decision to rename the civic center after James Brown?" A whopping 72% said "No". To be fair, this was a very unscientific poll, but considering Brown's reputation around here, I don't think the results are that far off.

Now I could care less what people call the Civic Center. You could call that place Heaven on Earth, Jesus' House or Playboy Mansion East and chances are you would still have trouble filling it up. This city has too many other problems (like crime, an inept city commission and school board, and racial tension) to be worried about this. However, since the majority opinion is that naming the Civic
Center after him is a bad idea I decided to play Devil's Advocate and list a few reasons why we should do it.

He's big everywhere (except in the CSRA): Outside of Augusta Brown draws a crowd. He is still touring and putting on the high energy performances that people expect from him. In 2004 he was part of year's biggest concert at London's Hyde Park. He wasn't the only performer but the show drew 258,000 fans and grossed more than $17 million. He has what some might call "brand recognition". There is nothing wrong with Augusta trying to associate itself with the James Brown name.

Every celebrity has issues: At the end of the day celebrities are people. And people have problems. In 1998, after pleading no contest to illegally firing a rifle while under the influence he was ordered to attend a drug rehab program. He is not the first celebrity to have issues with drugs and he won't be the last. It was reported that drug abuse contributed to Elvis Presley's death but to many people he is a god.

I am not condoning what he did, but the man did his time and apparently got help (He went to drug rehab in 1999).

It's a gift: After the soap opera that was the James Brown Soul of America Music Festival I almost feel like they are doing this to say "We're sorry" to James Brown. He paid his own way to come and perform at an event honoring him. The entire event was poorly planned, improperly executed and offered almost as much drama as an episode of 24. Hate him or love him, you have to admit that Brown deserved better.

He gives as much as he gets: Brown has donated his time and money to this city on numerous occasions. He's bought gun locks to help promote firearm safety, given away turkeys for Thanksgiving and handed out toys to children at Christmas. I think that qualifies as helping the city.

It about green: The civic center isn't selling out, the government has financial issues and it seems like everybody wants to move to Columbia County. If there is a chance that a name change can get some big acts (and some big act dollars) then they need to do it tomorrow. If the James Brown name can increase tourism they should name everything in this city after him. Think about it. You could play the Masters at the James Brown National. Read the news in the Godfather Chronicle. Visit your doctor at St. I Feel Good Hospital. Or see some strippers at the upscale gentlemen's club, The Sex Machine. That, boys and girls, is what I call synergy.

You might not like it, but papa's got a brand new arena.

Random thoughts on the Emmys

I am an awards show junkie so naturally I had to watch the Emmy awards on Sunday. Here are a few of my thoughts on the show:

* Some people are questioning the decision to air the opening skit after the plane crash in Kentucky, but I don’t think there was much NBC could do. The skit was pre-recorded and changing it in that short a time span would be almost impossible.

* Conan O'Brien did a good job hosting. NBC was the host network so you knew that one of their guys had to host. They couldn’t put Matt Lauer or Stone Phillips up there. I just hope NBC executives have a sense of humor because O'Brien dogged his network during his song and dance bit.

* Thanks to the TV Gods for finally seeing the light and giving 24 an Emmy for best drama. To be honest it should have one at least 3 by now because this show has been one of the best dramas on TV for years.

* I am a Keifer Sutherland fan, so I was happy to see him pick up the award for best actor in a drama series. Does any remember him in Young Guns?

* The Daily Show With Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report should just share the Emmy for Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series. They are easily two of the smartest and funniest shows on television.

* Jaime Pressly has come a long way since Poison Ivy.

* Calista Flockhart needs to eat something now. Here is the proof.

* It looks like the Seinfeld curse is over thanks to Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I guess Michael Richards can come out of hiding now.

* I was impressed with many of the ladies on the red carpet but I want to give special recognition to a woman who made a dream of mine come true. Thanks to her someone finally got to utter the phrase, " Channing looks great on the red carpet."

It's showtime!!!!!!

Well it's official, I am going to be on the air later today.

If I am reading the schedule correctly, I will make my "radio debut" today at 7pm. It looks like you will have to listen to it on the web if you want to hear it.

Show info

Air times and stations

Tell your friends and get ready for 5 minutes of laughter at my expense.

Updated: Here is a link to the show, I come on around the 31 minute mark (after the commercial break).

100 Proof on your radio dial

It looks like 100 Proof Fever is spreading. Thanks to a lot of luck and a small amount of talent, yours truly is about to make his radio debut. Here is how it my moment in the sun came about.

Even though I haven't been posting lately, I still check the comments on my blogs and try to respond to them. Not everyone likes what I have to say (see my bikini blog) and many of them choose to express that dislike. I feel that it is only right that I try to answer their criticisms.

One day I noticed a comment on my post about the passing of Hooter's chairman Robert Brooks. It was from a woman claiming to be a producer for Open Source, a show on public radio. She read one of my blogs and wanted to interview me for their show. At first I thought it was a hoax, but a little research revealed that there is such a show and Chelsea, the producer, does work for them.

When I looked at their website, I noticed that they talk about some rather important issues. I was excited about doing the interview but I couldn't help but laugh when I thought about the topic. I have offered my opinions on hot button issues like gay marriage, Ann Coulter, religion, Hurricane Katrina and racism but it was a birthday tribute to Hugh Hefner that caught their eye. Go figure.

After a few email exchanges I learned that they wanted to interview me for a piece they are doing on milestones of 2006, including Hefner's 80th birthday. It seemed simple enough so I decided to do it.

I didn't know what to expect when I arranged to talk to Chelsea. Was I going to talk to the host over the phone or would I have to fly up to the studio? Would there be someone on the other line chastising me for trying to glorify the man known as Hef? The answer to all three of these questions was a resounding 'no'.

We ended up doing everything during that phone call. They just wanted to record me talking about Hefner and his impact. I also got to send him a belated birthday greeting. No host, no Q&A. Just me, Chelsea and a recorder.

The good news is that I did it and it should air within the next week. I had fun and Chelsea was easy to work with. I don't expect my blogs to change the world but it is nice to know that some folks out there find them entertaining at least.

The bad news is that since I wasn't prepared to do it that day I sound like a complete idiot. In less than 5 minutes I forgot everything I learned in my high school and college speech classes. Also my basic concept of the English language went into hiding. I think there was one moment where I went from formal to country, then to intellectual and finally to casual conversation in the blink of an eye. My teachers and college professors will probably hang their heads in shame if and when they hear it.

Having said that, I still plan on sharing my 'big moment' with all of you. As soon as I know when and where it will air I'll be sure to share the info.

With any luck this interview will get me one step closer to my dream of visiting the Playboy mansion before I turn 30. Hopefully I'll be in the grotto with a drink in one hand and a camera in the other.

Updated: Here is a link to the show, I come on around the 31 minute mark (after the commercial break).